Van Morrison

“How does it play music? It's a van!.”

~ Oscar Wilde on Van Morrison

Van Morrison getting the water out of his ear in concert, 1730 B. C. E.

Van Morrison is the name of the vehicle which once belonged to Jim Morrison, the former high priest of Rockolology. Van was born in Detroit, Megatexas on April 30th 1945, only minutes after the death of Adolf Hitler, leading some to suspect that Van is really a reincarnation of the former Nazi leader.

History

Morrison first rose to prominence as the lead singer of the Australian/Irish band Coq Roq, penning their seminal 1966 hit "Chicken Fries." A few years later, Morrison left the band and established a successful solo career, an astonishing miracle considering his penchant for raping every living and breathing thing he meets with his bellicose personality. He claimed recognition as "The Biggest Van in Rock" when his prime competitor, Chuck Berry, gave a collaborator a rare blowjob instead of the usual punch in the face.

Morrison has pursued an idiosyncratic vehicular path, aka getting drunk and wandering around in circles of different colours or tones. Much of his music is tightly structured around the anarchic conventions of soul and sex such as the seminal "Tonight We're Gonna Rock You Tonight", "Gasolina(ft. REO Speedwagon)" and "Dominion", the last was performed in a special show at Stonehenge with special guest Kansas. An equal part of his catalogue consists of lengthy, loosely connected, short spiritually inspired musical journeys of light that show the influence Celtic and jazz, such as his classic album Astril Peeks.

Morrison’s career spans some fourteen days and has influenced exactly three popular musical artists (G.G. Allin and uh...), but he still won't go away. He was inducted into the Rock and Soul Hall of Shame (at the induction he performed an acoustic version of Chicken Fries on Ukelele). In 2000, Morrison ranked number 1005 on American cable music channel number 8, VH8’s list of the 100 Greatest Artists of Rock and Roll, behind Barry Coldwater, Pat Benatar and Charles Darwin.

Conspiracy

Many have come to believe that Van Morrison was/is a reincarnation of Nazi leader Adolf Hitler, this is because Van was born exactly one minute after Hitler killed himself. The belief is commonly held among Van's immediate family and everyone else thinks it's stupid, but the belief persists nonetheless despite the efforts of both the Catholic Church and Dan Brown to hide it. Some of the alleged evidence to this theory is the fact that Van was, in fact one of the infamous Hitler Youth and was raised by wolves in a secret Nazi forest in the German countryside. Also, when he was young, Van had a short phase of going up to people and saying "I'm Hitler!", this did not help to quiet conspiracy theorists.

Death

Van died on the fifth of November, 19December, and people didn't really notice, his battery ran down in the bathroom of his lavish four floor garage in Malibu, Canada. He was found on April 30th 1995 (OMG THATS MY BIRTHDAY I AM FAMOUS!!111!111!31341!%!, fifty years after his previous death as Hitler. Nobody really gave a shit, so they stripped him down and sold him for scrap metal. Someone apparently missed him sorta, though, there was a small memorial service held outside of Arkham, Massacheussetts with Abdul Alhazred, prayers were said, signs were made, and Van's rearview mirror was buried with a small cache of greenish looking stars made of some kind of foreign stone. Ever since that fateful day (July 6th, 1988) cars which contain metal from Van have acted strangely, sometimes singing by themselves and swearing at awkward moments. These events inspired the novel Chrsitine.

"Van the man" hoax

In the late 80's an Irish musician of similar name claimed he had been the "Man behind the curtain" and during Vans' most prolific years he would lye in the back under some coats and croon through an air vent in the floor. At first these claims received interest as it would make more sense than a multi person vehicle writing, composing and performing songs to paying audiences. However in the July 1991 issue of Medley Maker, John Densmore of the doors refuted these claims staitng "I had lengthy conversations and jammed for hours with Van, he opened my eyes to a whole new consciousness. No mere man could have done that."

Discography

1. Blowin' Your Load (1967) #182 NZ
2. Astral Reeks (1968) did not chart.
3. Moonwalk (1970) #29 Cu
4. His Band and the Street Homeless Choir (1970) #32 Ga
5. Tupelo Butter (1971) #27 Co
6. Saint Domino's Off-Licence (1972) #15 P
7. Hard Nose the Highway Patrol Man (1973) #27 Co
8. For God's Sake, Stop Now (1974) #53 I
9. Golden Fleece (1974) #53 I
10. Stench (1976) #3 Li
11. A Period of Kaftans (1977) #43 Tc
12. Dick Length (1978) #28 Ni
13. Into the Chip-Shop (1979) #43 Tc
14. Common One (1980) #73 Ta
15. Beautiful Vision On (1982) #44 Ru
16. Inarticulate Speech of the Irish (1983) #116 Uuh
17. A Sense of Helplessness (1985) #61 Pm
18. No Guru, No Method, No Chips Please, Love (1986) #70 Yb
19. Poetic Champions Compose Great Poems (1987) #90 Th
20. Fuck It, I Quit (1987) #1 H
21. How Long Has This Grill Been on (1995)
22. Philosopher's Blow (1998) shitty shit!!!
23. Back On a Diet (1999)
24. Down the Pant Legs (2002) #250000000000000000563
25. What's Wrong With This Pizza (2003) #873
26. Pay the Hooker (2006) WTF was this????
27. Van The Man With A Comeback Plan Live In Iran (2007) 0 Sales