Michelangelo
“"Oh yes, I played with David's marbles when we were boys in the schoolyard on several occasions".”
“"In Soviet Russia, naked boy sculpts YOU!"”
“"Wait a minute. You expect us poor, innocent children to climb up dangerous scaffolding and paint naked people all over a church?"”
Michelangelo was born in 1974 to proud parents Michel Gondry and Beverly D'Angelo. One of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and a renowned Eggnogstic, he is the one in the orange bandana that uses Nunchakus. He is famous for making sculptures of male prostitutes after he had sex with them.
Some of his notable achievements include painting the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel under threat of excommunication from Pope Julius II and of Shredder, his main foe. When finished, Oscar Wilde replied, "Look at the size of that ceiling!". With the Sistine Chapel, MichelBeverlyD'Angelo pioneered the artistic movement sub-genre of Gravity Boot expressionism. However, more famous (and more appreciated by Oscar Wilde) was the timeless piece of phallic marble, known as the "David".
After the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles broke up, Michaelangelo pursued a solo career on Broadway and made a few appearances in TV specials. In 2003, he worked on a Turtles' Anthology with Raphael and Donatello. In a much publicized career move, he strayed from the life of fame and became a plumber. However, even in the mundane field pf plumbing, Michelangelo proved he was a true revolutionary and fame whore, recording "Plumbin' with the Devil", a duet with David Lee Roth which saw modest airplay.
Rumour has it that in the next elections, Michelangelo will try to become the first large reptile to become president of the US since Abraham Lincoln. He will therefore have to challenge his main rival in the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles series, Leonardo, who is now trying to become the first man of the Republican Party. Michelangelo's main promises will be free pizza for everyone, the defeat of Shredder and roof decorating for competitive prices. Frequently known for shouting "shazam" and looking at nearby cameras. One should exercise caution when approaching him, for his bark is worse than his bite.
Michelangelo in the 21st century[edit | edit source]
Michelangelo had gone into hiding after hearing about the dreaded Y2K bug in 2000: He later found out that the anticlimactic Y2K scare didn't occur at the turn of the millennium (of which he was already late for). Historians attribute this error in judgment to misinformation given to MichelBeverlyD'Angelo by Leonardo regarding the incident.
“The Y2K bug is gonna screw up the new Millennium Falcon, I think.”
This led to the artist/turtle on a mass boycott of Star Wars films, much to the jubilation of hardcore Star Wars fans, who felt that casting the rebirth of Star Wars in 1999 written by Jerry Seinfeld entitled "The Phantom Bennis" into the fiery pit of Hell was "one step for mankind, one giant leap for Star Wars nerds worldwide".
However, MichelBeverlyD'Angelo wasn't one to take chances and went into hiding for seven years, "for good luck", as he states in his biography, "Confessions of an Art-Whore", written by Ayn Rand.
His much publicized return to civilization was marked when he appeared at the 2007 Oscars sporting a Brooke Shields reincarnate and looking rather disheveled. He attributed his pallid complexion to a round of binge kitten huffing he participated in with notable personalities ranging from Nostradamus to brothers Captain Obvious and Captain Oblivious.
“I knew I was gonna win that kitten huffing contest.”
“We participated in a round of kitten huffing.”
“What huffing?”
History[edit | edit source]
MichelBeverleyD'Angelo historians have unearthed a gold mine of information on their subject. More interestingly, MichelBeverleyD'Angelo unearthed a gold mine under Mrs. mason's sink. To his dismay, the Aztec gold which was worth millions during its time of use had undergone dramatic hyperinflation over the centuries and was worth nothing.
“The gold was worth nothing.”
Trivia[edit | edit source]
- Was a primary influence to Bogdanovich, Stanley Kubrick and other notable retards.
“Yes he was good, I taught him everything he knew, um, yeah, we were good friends but I was just always ahead of him, maybe um, it was I that taught him yes.”
- He served in the army as a shell polisher with Conservative forces in Antietam with Oscar Wilde. It was alleged that here he developed his ability to travel through time.
- Before he revolutionized the use of marble in sculpting, it had merely been used to beat people claiming to be the messiah to death.
- Filmed that Tommy Lee tape.
- Deduced that his calculations were rendered meaningless with the invention of the supercomputer.
- Smoked opium with Galileo during his 20 year home arrest. They remain close friends to this day.
- Invented the Grandfather paradox, which incidentally was named so as he killed his grandfather when he traveled back in time to patent the idea.
- Is gay, but frequently indulges himself with innanimate objects; namelly statues.
- Crushed Steven Hawking's spine when they tried to drop David into a wormhole with the intention of "pissing the shit outta Nixon". Hawking attributes it is this specific incident that lead him to "getting so much poontang' in his college days.
- Killed a man at 14 years old and ate his flesh.
