Splinter (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)
Master Splinter, or simply Splinter, was and still is the primary driving force of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles today. He has paved the way for the greatest quartet of super heroes in America. Of course Japan had Teenage Mutant Ninja Super Turtles, but they don't count. They never made it to the states.
Splinter was rumored to originally be born as a man named Hamato Yoshi, a martial artist. The truth is, he was originally Captain America's side kick, Sgt. Freedom and his own brother, Leonard. But he never quite panned out. Steve Rogers, or Captain America, as some fanboys like to refer to him, had this to say in an interview,
"Dude's a flamming queen. A queer. What more can I say? I had to let him go. He was cramping my style. Women thought he and I were butt buddies. I couldn't go anywhere without women asking me for fashion tips. Of course he enjoyed it, because he is gay. I eventually smoothed things over with the ladies, but as for Leonard, nah...I haven't spoken to him in over three decades. I don't know where he's at. Probably off doing some cabaret show in Vegas. I don't care."
Leonard Rogers as Sgt. Freedom in his alternate Valentine's Day costume.
The Original Costume of Sgt. Freedom. Sgt. Freedom was the second greatest gay side kick of all time. Next to Robin.
So it was apparent by now that Leonard Rogers, brother of super hero Captain America, was a homosexual. At least by Captain America's account. Then by his own account. April 16th, 1968, at the time of the hippie movement, Leonard Rogers set out, like all hippies, to go west to San Fransico. So he did. He met a man along the way named Barry Stark, rumored gay brother of billionaire Industrialist, Tony Stark (or Ironman). Eventually the found a nice roach infested apartment to live in. Soon things got heated between the two...when a fire broke out when Barry kicked over a candle on the bed while the gay couple made whoopie. That means to have sex.
Barry was burned alive. Flamming Leonard left the blazing apartment for a few minutes until fire trucks arrived. He was going to tell the fire department that he was oblivious to what had happened. The fire trucks arrived alright, but oddly enough, no one was driving them. It freaked Leonard out. From there, he moved to New York.
The Ooze[edit | edit source]
While in New York Leonard met a man named Arnie Crumb, a man that would change his life. They became good gay friends, and then lovers. One night while doing the ho-ha! (That means to have sex), Arnie pulled out a long, pink tube and splattered goop into the face of Leonard. Then he hit Leonard in the face with the pink tube making sure that every last drop of the gooey substance was on the face and in the mouth of Leonard. Of course by now you think I'm just being perverted. Well, I'm not. The pink tube was actually a metal canister of secret ooze that Arnie Crumb had decorated. The ooze however was a bright glowing green. Arnie thought the two colors went together fantabulously.
While in the heartshaped bed of love, Leonard was transforming due to a reaction to the ooze. After minutes of trying to fight the infection, he gave up. It was too late. He was rat.
Why Did Leonard Become a Rat?[edit | edit source]
Those who know him think it's because of his sneaky personality or that he always liked to munch on wood. The truth is, while Leonard and Anrie were busy displaying the Razzle Dazzle (That means to have sex), they were using various small rodents in sexual acts. I won't go into detail. Let's just say a rat was in the colon of Leonard at the time he had transformed.
Martial Arts[edit | edit source]
Leonard never knew martial arts before transforming into a rat. But somehow he was able to kick Arnie through a wall and snap his neck six times in one tenth of a second. Two possible scenarios are available. One, rats know how to kick ass, they just refuse to show us. Two, gay people know how to kick ass, they just refuse to show us. I believe it's a little of both.
Anywho, because of his hideous appearance Leonard was forced to live in the dark. Originally he was going to live in alley ways and scale the tops of buildings, but he found he was afraid of the black people who hung out in alley's and on two separate occasions he accidentally ran into telephone wires while running along the roof tops. So he ultimately chose the sewer.
The Turtles[edit | edit source]
Leonard had been in the sewer system for months eating wood, other rats, poop, bugs, and more poop. Then he came across six baby turtles. He thought "Damn, I'm hungry. Let's eat." So before Ike Turner could slap Tina, he had eaten two of them. Ooops. Leonard heard a noise above on the streets. Curious he left the other four turtles to follow the noise.
Anyhow, Leonard followed the noise. It was another pink tube bouncing hard along the sewer drain above. It had been tossed out of Arnie's corvette driven by one of his ex-gay lovers, who thought it was a used sex toy. Then it broke. The ooze splatered all over the place. So leonard ran and screamed like the queen he is and dove for the sewer water to wash it all off. While running, he dripped the ooze on top of the four remaining turtles.
Bump bum bum!
Tortoise.
Salt Water Turtle.
Fresh Water Turtle. This is a genuine Ninja Turtle.
Cute and Fuzzy Kick Tushy Turtles[edit | edit source]
Leonard had realized after washing off, that he had dripped ooze onto the turtles. Before his eyes they transformed into walking, kicking, English-speaking over grown turtles. To make a long story short, Leonard fathered the turtles who gave him the nickname Splinter after Donatello whacked him in the face and he obtained a painful splinter injury to the eye.
He chose to name the turtles after his favorite Renaissance artists. The first was named Leonardo, after himself. Leonard of course was his own favorite artist. The second was Donatello, after Donatello. The third was Raphael, after Raffaello Sanzio da Urbino. The fourth was named Michelangelo, after Michelangelo di Lodovico Buonarroti Simoni.
Splinter had taught his mutants some martial arts. One day he had a bright idea. He was going to make them the first martial arts runway models. Donatello, being the smart one (Why is he so smart? Who knows? He's just a frickin' turtle) piped up and spoke, "We're not gay like you Splinter. We don't want to be runway models. We just want to kick some ass with our martial arts skills."
It broke Splinter's heart. But he decided it was best that they put their martial arts skills to better use. So they did. But before they became the legendary crime fighting Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and got it on with April O'Neil, they were given a much more humorous name. The Cute and Fuzzy Kick Tushy Turtles! You'd think Splinter was behind that one, but it was the special ed of the bunch, Michelangelo. Splinter liked it, but the other three showed their displeasure by kicking the crap out of Mikey.
Anywhat, Splinter kept his secret about being a homosexual among him and his Ninja Turtles. He never told them that they had two siblings, which one could have possibly been a hot sister, or two. When turtles inbreed, it's not a bad thing. None of them would ever know, they could never know. But April O'Neil and her friend Erma were great replacements.
Conclussion[edit | edit source]
Splinter, who was formerly Sgt. Freedom, originally Leonard Rogers, brother of Stever Rogers aka Captain America, had found his calling.
There is a moral to the story of Splinter. That is, bad things happen to gay people for no reason other than to entertain the rest of us who aren't gay. But gay people have a way of turning their misfortunes around and making them work in their favor. Except for when God sends them to hell for being homos. Then there's no turning back.
I wonder if Splinter will burn in hell as a rat, as a gay man, or as Sgt. Freedom? Hmmm....
