User:Redd4/Gabe Newell

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Gabe Re-enacting the Reichstag fire at his 35th Biirthday with a collection of hired actors

Gabe Newell is the co-founder and owner of VALVe a small but well respected game developer based in Bellevue, Washington. Gabe Newell is also wanted for the rape and murder of several hitchhikers along the west coast during the late 1980's. Newell has ignored court orders to date so the evidence is yet to be judged but it is believed to be inconclusive.

Newell was born in New Hampshire on the third of November 1962 to his parents Ben and Alyx. (who died of the Black Death several months later) He went to Harvard University in 1980 but dropped out in 1982 due to a lack of proper flooring. After he joined fast growing Girl Scouts branch Microsoft where he worked for 13 years leaving temporarily in what he called "backtracking" but what is now widely believed to believe the killing spree of hitchhikers that occurred across the west coast of America between 1987 and 1991. After this he and close childhood friend Roland McDoland started the small company Valve where he still works today (McDoland having left the company in 2001 due to claims of intoxicating Dora the Explorer) working on titles such as Counter-Strike, Half-Life 2, Half-Life: Episode 3. However once allegations of the rape and murder of the Hitchhikers finally came to fruition Newell was forced to flee the country, it is currently believed that he is now living as a farmer in Serbia under the name of Ivan Hedric VonBurenwaffen. Gabe is married to an alpaca named Lisa and has one-and-a-half sons named Barnabus, Edward and Thor.

Early Life[edit | edit source]

Gabe Newell literally dropping out of Harvard

Gabe Newell grew up in the slums of New Hampshire and was a troubled child which is often blamed upon the death of his mother from the Bubonic Plague and his father abusing Cough Syrup. His experiences in the ghettos of New Hampshire are often believed to have influenced the games he developed later in life and also created the urge to kill/rape those unfortunate enough to hail him down from a roadside. His father, dreadfully affected by the loss of his wife Alyx Newell, was an unsuccessful Stormtrooper in danger of losing his job due to attendance issues. With his father high on cough syrup and often absent on tours of Endor it was up to him to fend for himself and feed himself. He tried his hand at several careers such as Shop Owner, Paper Boy, Freelance Consultant and Hobbit all of which collapsed within a few weeks. In a last desperate attempt to survive he started up a Hedge-Fund with Local Gangbanger Roland McDoland. It was a resounding success that kept both the founders in luxury until the fund was shut down in 1974 by Jimi Hendrix who had sworn vengeance against McDoland who had shot him in the head in a duel on September 18 1970.

Harvard[edit | edit source]

After the Hedge Fund collapsed Newell and McDoland parted ways but vowed to remain friends forever; McDoland went to pursue Hendrix to Mexico where there rivalry would come to a violent end and Newell went to Harvard University where he studied Biology and wrote a scientifically acclaimed paper on That Stuff you Find in your Eyes Every Morning. Newell worked diligently in college stopping only to go fishing with McDoland occasionally and to argue with his roommate Bill Clinton. Unfortunately Newell's promising career was seemingly cut short when a physics experiment went wrong causing the entire building to levitate twenty feet in the air. Newell and Clinton's room was situated on the ground floor and was fitted with flooring that couldn't support Gabe's 630Kg frame and collapsed beneath him as a result Newell was the first literal Harvard Drop-Out. Newell spent several months trying to develop a ladder that could support his weight and allow him to re-enter the now levitating University but was unsuccessful and was resigned to leave and return to the ghettos of New Hampshire.

Brushes with The Empire[edit | edit source]

After leaving Harvard Newell returned temporarily to attempt to start a life there, he hoped to get in with the gang that his friend Roland was part of but the clown had already murdered most of the gangs members and was now abroad. Newell returned to his house to find it destroyed as the result of a terrible Trumpet Related Accident amongst the wreckage he found his fathers helmet and decided to be a stormtrooper like his father. He left the slums to sign up for The Empire immediately he showed promise as both a marksman and showed good leader skills but was denied entry because hw was too fat (worries arose that he would interfere with the Death Star's gravity field. After this Newell had no idea what to do so he got back in touch with his friend Roland McDoland and proposed a series of Magnet centered theme parks but McDoland declined because he was currently hiding as a high ranking officer in The Republican Guard escaping allegations of molesting and murdering a group of Girl Scouts which inspired Newell to join Microsoft.

Microsoft[edit | edit source]

Newell began his time in Microsoft as a simple enforcer working under the infamous Luca Brasi to threaten local drug dealers and maim people who failed to pay their debts to Don Gates. During this time He learnt about the harsh street mentality that existed between foot soldiers in the huge mob war that existed between Microsoft and Apple. Fighting on the front lines he saw a lot of action killing several Apple Employees and at the height of his career shooting Steve Jobs in the spine, he was believed to be dead but was dragged to hospital by Steve Wozniak who jobs then killed, cut open and then huddled inside for warmth. This attempt on Don Jobs' life was significant enough to get him recognised for his efforts and he was promoted to the position of Don Gates' right-hand-man in 1985, this job came with higher pay, more holiday time and significantly flexible working hours which allowed Newell to commit the string of murders that he committed a few years later,

Murders[edit | edit source]

In the year 1987 after 2 years serving as Bill Gates' right-hand-man Newell used some holiday time he had saved up to take a leave of absence and travel, at the time he claimed to be in South Africa hunting "Native Apes" but it is now believed that he never left America and even stayed on the west coast. It is believed that he would simply drive up and down various freeway's between Canada and Florida in a Volkswagen waiting to be hailed down by a hitchhiker. He would then drug the passenger and take them to a small house owned by Ronald McDonald in New Jersey where he would sexually torture them for weeks without stop until they died of hunger or were kiled by Newell himself. Whilst evidence is patchy the FBI has devoted an entire department to discovering what exactly what happened. Here is the order in which they believe it happened:

Isaac Cox[edit | edit source]

Mugshot of Isaac Cox who was arrested in 1975 for impersonating a member of the clergy

Isaac Cox was a local drifter with no known relatives, he made a living by buying turnips in Texas and transporting them up to New Jersey and selling them their for a profit, he was believed to be worth roughly $130,000 at the time of his death. He was returning from a rather successful underground turnip sale when he was believed to have been offered a lift by Newell. His corpse was found on the 5th of July 1987 with an anus measured at 17 and a half inches wide and with several other holes carved in his flesh where small deposits of decayed semen were found.

Stefano Rinaldi[edit | edit source]

Rinaldi was a student studying law at the university of columbia, he was heading back home to see his family for the summer break. Authorities are uncertain when exactly he was abducted but he was found on the 20th of August dumped in the Hudson river wearing lipstick and with the words "Comic Sans MS" carved onto his face with a razor and burnt on to his back with heated implement. Stefano was 19 years old.

Geoffrey Thorn[edit | edit source]

Geofrey thorn was the first non-hitchhiker to be killed in this spree. He was doing his usual commute to his job in Trenton where he worked as a Hot dog vendor when he crashed with Newell. In a psychotic rage Gabe pulled Thorn out of his car and stabbed him repeatedly in the kidneys and then impaled him on a nearby Traffic cone. His body was then put back in his car which was set on fire, chopped into pieces, dumped in the Atlantic Ocean, set on fire again, chopped up into pieces small enough to fit into a mail box and then mailed around the world. It was discovered that he was dead when a local policeman discovered a section of Thorn's left hip weighing roughly 1lbs on the beach, DNA tests verified to whom the lump of flesh belonged to.

Roran & Dougal O'Domble[edit | edit source]

Then it is believed Newell did not strike again until April of 1988, there is much speculation as to the cause of this pause some say it was because Gabe was assisting McDonald in carrying out The Halabja poison gas attack in Iraq, others say he returned to Microsoft temporarily to try and kill Steve Jobs again. He returned in a vengeance killing the travelling street entertainers Roran and Dougal O'Domble, this was the only double homicide that Newell committed. There bodies were found a staggering six months after their dissapearance impaling each other, many bones were broken in order that each body could be inserted in the other. One crime scene investigator commented "It's like some horrible kebab but it smells like cinnamon"

Angelo Franke[edit | edit source]

Angelo Franke was a journalist for the Georgia Times he was travelling from Atlanta to Ottawa only by hitchhiking. Those notes that were recovered from his lower intestines indicate that he didn't make it out of South Carolina before getting abducted. His body was found on the 20th of December 1988 with his own notes stuffed in the orifices of his body. His neck and pelvis were shattered and traces of semen and faeces were found in his stomach. Some of his notes were consisted of dirty limericks written in Gabe Newell's handwriting, this is what brought federal agents to suspect him in their invetigation.