User:Jesus F Christ/Parables
Jesus F Christ's Prayer[edit | edit source]
- - Matthew 6:9–13
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9 This, then, is how you should edit: “‘Humour in Uncyclopedia,
10 your laughter come,
11 Give us each day our daily edit. 12 And forgive us our edits,
13 And lead us not into noob biting,
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- – Jesus F Christ
The edit on the subpage[edit | edit source]
- - Matthew 5-7
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5 Now when Jesus F Christ saw the crowds, he went up on a userpage and sat down. He did not have any disciples but did not care and began to teach them anyway. He said: 3 Blessed are the poor in humour,
4 Blessed are those who edit,
5 Blessed are the VFH voters,
6 Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for humour,
7 Blessed are the VFD voters who check the edit history,
8 Blessed are the IP's,
9 Blessed are the peacemakers,
10 Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness,
11 Blessed are you when people insult you, revert you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you that is not funny. 12 Rejoice and be glad, because great is your reward in Uncyclopedia, for in the same way they were dicks to the users who were before you. Salt and Light 13 You are the humour of Uncyclopedia. But if the humour loses its funniness, how can it be made funny again? It is no longer good for anything, except to be thrown out and trampled underfoot. 14 You are the light of Uncyclopedia. A wiki built on your light cannot be hidden. 15 Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. 16 In the same way, let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your humour in Uncyclopedia. The Fulfillment of the Law 17 Do not think that I have come to abolish the Law or the Cabal; I have not come to abolish them but to fulfill them. 18 For truly I tell you, until heaven and earth disappear, not the smallest letter, not the least stroke of a keyboard, will by any means disappear from the Law until everything is accomplished. 19 Therefore anyone who sets aside one of the least of these commands and teaches others accordingly will be called least in the kingdom of Uncyclopedia, but whoever practices and teaches these commands will be called great in the kingdom of Uncyclopedia. 20 For I tell you that unless your righteousness surpasses that of the admins and the teachers of the law, you will certainly not enter the kingdom of Uncyclopedia. Rollback 21 You have heard that it was said to the people long ago, ‘You shall not rollback or undo a noob without even bothering to type an edit summary, and anyone who uses rollback on a non-vandal will be subject to judgment.’ 22 But I tell you that anyone who is angry with a brother or sister will be subject to judgment. Again, anyone who says to a brother or sister, Noob! is answerable to the court. And anyone who says, ‘You fool!’ will be in danger of the fire of hell. 23 Therefore, if you are offering your article at VFH remember that your brother or sister has something against you, 24 leave your gift there in front of VFH. First go and be reconciled to them; then come and offer your article. 25 Settle matters quickly with your adversary who is calling you a dick. Do it while you are still together on the way, or your adversary may hand you over to ban patrol, and ban patrol may hand you over to the admin, and you may be thrown into prison. 26 Truly I tell you, you will not get out until you have grovelled extensively in IRC.
Divorce 31 It has been said, ‘Anyone who divorces their noob must remove their {{AdopterProud}} template from their userpage.’ 32 But I tell you that anyone who divorces their noob, except for extreme un-funniness, makes them the victim of un-funniness, and anyone who adopts any noob is funny. Oaths 33 Again, you have heard that it was said to the people long ago, ‘Do not break your oath, but fulfill to the wiki the vows you have made.’ 34 But I tell you, do not swear an oath at all: either by Uncyclopedia, for it is humour’s throne; 35 or by the wiki, for it is his footstool; or by a url, for it is the city of the Great King. 36 And do not swear by your head, for you cannot make even one hair white or black. 37 All you need to say is simply ‘Yes’ or ‘No’; anything beyond this is not funny. Eye for Eye 38 You have heard that it was said, ‘Eye for eye, and tooth for tooth.’ 39 But I tell you, do not resist an evil person. If anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to them and Pee Review one of their articles. 40 And if anyone wants to sue you and take your shirt, find their best non-featured article, improve it, and nominate it for VFH. 41 If anyone forces you to go one mile, go with them two miles. 42 Give to the one who asks you, and do not turn away from the one who wants to borrow from you. Love for Enemies 43 You have heard that it was said, ‘Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’ 44 But I tell you, love your enemies and edit for those who persecute you, 45 that you may be amused of your humour in Uncyclopedia. It causes the sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous. 46 If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not even the for-profit wiki doing that? 47 And if you greet only your own people, what are you doing more than others? Do not even Wikipedians do that? 48 Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly humour is perfect. Giving to the Needy 6:1 Be careful not to practice your righteousness in front of others to be seen by them. If you do, you will have no reward from your humour in Uncyclopedia. 2 So when you give to the needy, do not announce it with trumpets, as the hypocrites do in the forums and on the talk pages, to be honored by others. Truly I tell you, they have received their reward in full. 3 But when you give to the needy, do not let your left hand know what your right hand is doing, 4 so that your giving may be in secret. Then your humour, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you. Editing 5 “And when you edit, do not be like the hypocrites, for they love to edit standing in the forums and on the talk pages to be seen by others. Truly I tell you, they have received their reward in full. 6 But when you edit, go into mainspace, close the door and edit to an article, which is unseen. Then your humour, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you. 7 And when you edit, do not keep on babbling like spammers, for they think they will be heard because of their many words. 8 Do not be like them, for your humour knows what you need before you laugh. 9 “This, then, is how you should edit: ‘Our humour in Uncyclopedia,
10 your laughter come,
11 Give us each day our daily edit. 12 And forgive us our edits,
13 And lead us not into noob biting,
14 For if you forgive other people when they edit against you, your heavenly humour will also amuse you. 15 But if you do not forgive others their edits, your humour will not amuse you. Not editing 16 When you don't edit, do not look somber as the hypocrites do, for they disfigure their userpages and make forums to show others they are not editing. Truly I tell you, they have received their reward in full. 17 But when you don't edit, put {{Vacation}} on your user page and archive your talk page, 18 so that it will not be obvious to all others that you are not editing, but only to your humour, who is unseen; and your laughter, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you when you edit again. Treasures in Uncyclopedia 19 Do not store up for yourselves treasures on latest revisions, where moths and vermin destroy, and where vandals break in and vandalise. 20 But store up for yourselves treasures in page histories, where moths and vermin do not destroy, and vandals do not break in and vandalise. 21 For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also. 22 Your humour is the lamp of the wiki. If your humour is funny, your whole body will be full of giggles. 23 But if your humour is un-funny, your whole body will be full of darkness. If then the light within you is darkness, how great is that darkness! 24 No one can serve two masters. Either you will hate the one and love the other, or you will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve both humour and money. Do Not Worry 25 Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your contributions, what you will edit or nominate; or about your userpage, or your signature. Is not contributing more than editing, and the humour more than clothes? 26 Look at the IPs of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet Uncyclopedia's heavenly humour feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27 Can any one of you by worrying add a single edit to your contributions? 28 And why do you worry about clothes? See how the IP edits of the articles grow. They do not labor or spin. 29 Yet I tell you that not even Hardwick Fundlebuggy in all his splendor was dressed like one of these IPs. 30 If that is how laughter clothes the edits of IP, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will it not much more amuse you—you of little faith? 31 So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we edit?’ or ‘What shall we nominate?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ 32 For the Wikipedians run after all these things, and your humour knows that you need them. 33 But seek first the kingdom of Uncyclopedia and its humour, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. Judging Others 7:1 Do not judge, or you too will be judged. 2 For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you. 3 Why do you look at the speck of un-funny in your brother’s article and pay no attention to the bollocks in most of the other pages found at Special:Random? 4 How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your article,’ when all the time there is un-reverted vandalism in other articles? 5 You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye. 6 Do not give dogs what is sacred; do not throw your pearls to pigs. If you do, they may trample them under their feet, and turn and tear you to pieces. Ask, Seek, Knock 7 Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. 8 For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened. 9 Which of you, if your noob asks for edits, will nominate the article on VFD? 10 Or if they asks for a Pee Review, will nominate them for a ban? 11 If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your noobs, how much more will your humour in Uncyclopedia give good giggles to those who ask for it! 12 So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Cabal. The Narrow and Wide Gates 13 Enter through the narrow gate. For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to un-funny, and many enter through it. 14 But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to true humour, and only a few find it. True and False Prophets 15 Watch out for false prophets. They come to you in sheep’s clothing, but inwardly they are ferocious wolves. 16 By their humour you will recognize them. Do people pick grapes from thornbushes, or figs from thistles? 17 Likewise, every good tree bears good fruit, but a bad tree bears bad fruit. 18 A good tree cannot bear bad fruit, and a bad tree cannot bear good fruit. 19 Every tree that does not bear good fruit is cut down and thrown into the fire. 20 Thus, by their fruit you will recognize them. True and False Disciples 21 Jesus F Christ does not have any Disciples so the whole thing has never really been an issue. 22 ... 23 ... The Wise and Foolish Builders 24 Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his Uncyclopedia on the IP. 25 They made it .com, and the user base split, and the winds blew and beat against that Uncyclopedia; yet it did not fall, because it had its foundation on the IP. 26 But everyone who hears these words of mine and does not put them into practice is like a foolish man who built his house on sand. 27 The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell with a great crash. |
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- – Jesus F Christ
The parables of Jesus F Christ[edit | edit source]
The parable of the IP editor[edit | edit source]
- -Mark 4:1-9
| “ | 3. Listen! A IP went out to edit.
4. And as IP edited, sometimes pages were protected, and sometimes IP was rolledback. IP did not understand. 5. Other edits fell on new pages, where many don't go, so it sprang up quickly, since it could not be reverted. 6. And when Admin huffed IP was scorched and withered away. 7. Other edits were undone by users who lived at Uncyclopedia, and think they own an article. They reverted IP because it is easier than typing to explain why, so that IP could learn. 8. Every now and again IP found an article which IP was allowed to edit, and every now and again IP made a good edit to it, eventually yielding ninety and nine hundred and nine thousand-fold good edits. 9. Let anyone with ears to hear listen. |
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- – Jesus F Christ
The parable of the IP growing secretly[edit | edit source]
- -Mark 4:26-29
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26. Jesus F Christ also said: The kingdom of Uncyclopedia is as if an IP would scatter edits on the ground, 27. and users sleep and rise night and day, and the IP would spring up on different IP addresses and grow, Jesus F Christ does not know how. 28. Uncyclopedia produces of itself, first the IP, then the edits, and then the newly created user account. 29. But when the user is registered, at once he goes in with his sickle, because good editing has come. |
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- – Jesus F Christ
The parable of the potato seed[edit | edit source]
- -Mark 4:30-32
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31. An IP edit is like a potato seed, which, when sown upon the ground, is the smallest of all the seeds on earth; 32. yet when it is sown the edit grows up and becomes a user, and then adopts noobs and puts forth large branches, so that the birds of the air can make nests in its shade. |
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- – Jesus F Christ
The parable of the Tenants[edit | edit source]
- -Mark 12:1-11
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1. Then Jesus F Christ began to speak to them in parables: Oscar Wilde created Uncyclopedia, put a fence around it, and dug a pit in the middle to collect humour; then he leased it to tenants and went to another country. 2. When the season came, he sent IP to the tenants to collect from them his share of the produce of Uncyclopedia 3. But they reverted IP, and blocked IP, and sent IP away empty-handed. 4. And again he sent another IP to them; this one they prevented from editing because the page was semi-protected. 5. Then he sent another, and that one they banned. And so it was with many others; some they reverted, and others they blocked. 6. He had still one other, a beloved IP. Finally he sent his own IP to them, saying, 'They will respect my IP.' 7. But those tenants said to one another, 'This is the IP; come, let us ban it, and the humour will be ours.' 8. So they blocked IP, banned IP, and threw him out of Uncyclopedia. 9. What then will Oscar Wilde do? He will come and destroy the tenants and give Uncyclopedia to others. 10. Have you not read this scripture: 'The edit that the builders rejected has become the cornerstone; 11. this was Oscar Wilde's doing, and it is amazing in our eyes' 12. When they realized that Jesus F Christ had told this parable against them, they wanted to arrest him, but they feared the crowd. So they left him and went away. |
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- – Jesus F Christ
The parable of the budding RC[edit | edit source]
- -Mark 13:28-32
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28. From RC learn its lesson: as soon as IP becomes tender and puts forth edits, you know that summer is near. 29. So also, when you see these things taking place, you know that humour is near, at the very gates. 30. Truly I tell you, this generation will not pass away until all these things have taken place. 31. Admins and users will pass away, but my words will not pass away. 32. But about that day or hour no one knows, neither the angels in heaven, nor Jesus F Christ, but only you. |
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- – Jesus F Christ
The parable of faithful editor[edit | edit source]
- -Mark 13:33-37
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33. Beware, keep alert; for you do not know when the time will come. 34. It is like a man going on a journey, when he leaves home and puts his slaves in charge, each with his work, and commands the doorkeeper to be on the watch. 35. Therefore, keep editing -- for you do not know when the master of the house will come, in the evening, or at midnight, or at cockcrow, or at dawn, 36. or else he may find you asleep when he comes suddenly. 37. And what I say to you I say to all: Keep editing. |
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- – Jesus F Christ
The parable of the user and the vandal[edit | edit source]
- -Matt 13:24-30
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24. Jesus F Christ put before them another parable: The kingdom of Uncyclopedia may be compared to someone who made good edits in an article; 25. but while everybody was not watching patrolled edits, a vandal came and made bad edits among the good edits, and then went away. 26. So when the article came up and people read it, vandalism appeared as well. 27. And the slaves of the editor came and said to him, 'Master, did you not sow good edits in your article? Where, then, did these Goa Tse come from?' 28. He answered, 'An vandal has done this.' The slaves said to him, 'Then do you want us to semi-protect the page?' 29. But he replied, 'No; for in semi-protection you would uproot all IP editing along with them. 30. Let both of them grow together until the harvest; and at harvest time I will tell the editors, cut out the vandalism first and bind it in bundles to be burned, but gather the article into VFH.' |
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- – Jesus F Christ
The parable of the leaven[edit | edit source]
- - Matt 13:33
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33. The kingdom of IP edits is like yeast that an experienced editor took and mixed in with three measures of flour until all of it was featured." |
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- – Jesus F Christ
[edit | edit source]
- - Thom 109
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109.1 The kingdom of page history is like a man who has a hidden treasure in an article [of which] he knows nothing. 109.2 And [after] he had died, he left it to his [son]. (But) the son did not know (about it either). He took over that article and removed it from his watchlist. 109.3 And the one who had found it on Special:Random edited it, and while he was ploughing the page history he found the treasure. He made a few minor edits and collected his feature. |
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- – Jesus F Christ
The parable of the pearl[edit | edit source]
- - Thom 76
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76.1 The kingdom of the page history is like an editor who had merchandise in an article and found a pearl in the history. 76.2 That editor is prudent. They deleted their own merchandise from the opening paragraph of the article, and replaced it with the pearl. 76.3 You too look for his treasure which does not perish, (and) which stays where no moth can reach it to eat it, and no worm destroys it. |
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- – Jesus F Christ
The parable of the net[edit | edit source]
- - Thom 8
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8.1 The un-protected page is like a sensible fisherman who cast his net into the sea and drew it up from the sea filled with little fish. 8.2 Among them the sensible fisherman found a large, fine fish. 8.3 He threw all the little fish back into the sea, (and) he chose the large fish effortlessly. 8.4 Whoever has ears to hear should hear. |
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- – Jesus F Christ
The parable of the wandering sheep[edit | edit source]
- - Matthew 18:10-14
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10 See that you do not despise one of these little IPs. For I tell you that their angels in heaven always see the face of David Hasselhoff in heaven. 12 What do you think? If David Hasselhoff owns a hundred baywatch babes, and one of them wanders away, will he not leave the ninety-nine on the beach and go to look for the one that wandered off? 13 And if he finds it, truly I tell you, he is happier about that one babe than about the ninety-nine that did not wander off. 14 In the same way Uncyclopedia is not willing that any of these little ones should perish. |
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- – Jesus F Christ
The parable of the Unmerciful Servant[edit | edit source]
- - Matt 18:23-35
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21 Then user came to Jesus and asked, Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother IP who sins against me? Up to nine times?” 22 Jesus answered, I tell you, not nine times, but over nine thousand times. 23. For this reason the kingdom of Uncyclopedia may be compared to a king who wished to settle accounts with his slaves. 24. When he began the reckoning, one who owed him nine thousand edits was brought to him; 25. and, as he could not pay, his lord ordered him to be banned, together with his bots and noobs and his userpages huffed, and payment to be made. 26. So the slave fell on his knees before him, saying, 'Have patience with me, I only joined Uncyclopedia yesterday, I will pay you everything. 27. And out of pity for him, the lord of that slave released him and forgave him the debt. 28. But that same slave, as he went out, came upon one of his fellow slaves who owed him one Pee Review; and seizing him by the throat, he said, 'Pay what you owe.' 29. Then his fellow slave fell down and pleaded with him, 'Have patience with me, I'm the only Poopsmith on duty today, and I will pay you.' 30. But he refused; then he went and threw him into prison until he would review the article. 31. When his fellow slaves saw what had happened, they were greatly distressed, and they went and reported to their lord all that had taken place. 32. Then his lord summoned him and said to him, 'You wicked slave! I forgave you all that debt because you pleaded with me. 33. Should you not have had mercy on your fellow slave, as I had mercy on you?' 34. And in anger his lord handed him over to the Proofreading Service until he would pay his entire debt. 35. So will also be done to every one of you, if you do not forgive your brother or sister from your heart." |
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- – Jesus F Christ
- - Mark 39:24:34
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24 Then user came to Jesus and asked, Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother IP who sins against me? Up to nine times?” 25 Jesus answered, I tell you, not nine times, but over nine thousand times. 26. For this reason the kingdom of Uncyclopedia may be compared to an admin who wished to remove bans from his slaves. 27. When he began the reckoning, one who owed him nine thousand edits was brought to him; 28. and, as he could not pay, his lord ordered his ban to be extended, together with his bot and noobs and his userpages huffed, and payment to be made. 29. So the slave fell on his knees before him, saying, 'Have patience with me, I only joined Uncyclopedia yesterday, I will pay you nine thousand edits tomorrow.' 30. And out of pity for him, the lord of that slave released him and forgave him the debt. 31. But that same slave, as he went out, came upon one of his fellow slaves that needed to make nine edits in three days, but could only edit the best articles. 32. His fellow slave fell down and pleaded with him, 'Have patience with me, and I will pay you.' 33. But he refused; then he went and asked admin to semi-protect some other pages. 34. When his fellow slaves saw what had happened, they were greatly distressed, and they went and reported to their lord all that had taken place. 35. Then his lord summoned him and said to him, 'You wicked slave! I forgave you all that debt because you pleaded with me. 36. Should you not have had mercy on your fellow slave, as I had mercy on you?' 37. And in anger his lord handed him over to the Proofreading Service until he would pay his entire debt. 38. So will also be done do to every one of you, if you do not forgive your brother or sister from your heart." |
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- – Jesus F Christ
The parable of the ten Virgins[edit | edit source]
- - Matt 25:1-12
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1. Jesus F Christ does not believe there were 10 virgins. |
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- – Jesus F Christ
The parable of Two editors[edit | edit source]
- - —Matthew 21:28–32
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28 What do you think? Oscar Wilde had two editors. He went to the first and said, ‘Son, go and write me an article today at Special:NewPages.’ 29 ‘I will not,’ he answered, but later he changed his mind and wrote one. 30 Then Oscar Wilde went to the other son and said the same thing. He answered, ‘I will, sir,’ but then left and never returned. 31 Which of the two did Oscar Wilde want? The first, they answered. Jesus F Christ said to them, 'Truly I tell you, the wannabe admins and for profit wiki are entering the kingdom of humour ahead of you'. 32 For Spang came to you to show you the way of righteousness, and you did not believe him. |
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- – Jesus F Christ
The parable of the Laborers at VFH[edit | edit source]
- - —Matthew 21:28–32
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1. For the kingdom of Uncyclopedia is like when VFH went out early in the morning to hire laborers for his main page. 2. After agreeing with the laborers for the usual daily wage, he sent them away to edit. 3. When he went out about nine o'clock, he saw others standing idle in the village dump; 4. and he said to them, 'You also go and edit, and I will pay you whatever is right.' So they edited. 5. When he went out again about noon and about three o'clock, he did the same. 6. And about five o'clock he went out and found others in Benson's 3-D House of Pancakes; and he said to them, 'Why are you standing here idle all day?' 7. They said to him, 'Because no one has hired us.' He said to them, 'You also go and edit.' 8. When evening came, VFH ordered his administrator, 'Call the laborers and give them their features, beginning with the last and then going to the first.' 9. When those hired about five o'clock came, each of them received the usual feature credit. 10. Now when the first came, they thought they would receive more; but each of them also received the usual one {{FA}}. 11. And when they received it, they grumbled against VFH, 12. saying, 'These last worked only one hour, and you have made them equal to us who have borne the burden of the day and the scorching heat.' 13. But he replied to one of them, 'Friend, I am doing you no wrong; did you not agree with me for the usual daily wage? 14. Take what belongs to you and go; I choose to give to this last the same as I give to you. 15. Am I not allowed to do what I choose with what belongs to me? Or are you envious because I am generous?' 16. So the last will be first, and the first will be last." |
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- – Jesus F Christ
The parable of the Talents[edit | edit source]
- - Matt 25:14-30
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14. For it is as if Oscar Wilde, going on a journey, summoned his slaves and entrusted his property to them; 15. to one he gave an ICU, to another an FA, to another an in joke, to each according to his ability. Then he went away. 16. The one who had received the ICU went off at once and let anyone edit, was vandalised many times, but eventually improved, and almost made it through VFH. 17. In the same way, the one who had received the FA, had two more edits in the next three years. 18. But the one who had received the hilarious in-joke went off and sysop-protected the page and hid his master's humour. 19. After a long time the Oscar Wilde came and settled accounts with them. 20. Then the one who had received the ICU came forward, bringing his article, saying, 'Master, you handed over to me a ICU; see, I have made a {{QFA}}.' 21. His master said to him, 'Well done, good and trustworthy slave; you have been trustworthy in a few things, I will put you in charge of many things; enter into the joy of your master.' 22. And the one with the FA also came forward, saying, 'Master, you handed over to me an FA; see, I have made two more edits.' 23. His master said to him, 'Um. Yea. Er... I suppose you have been a good and trustworthy slave; you have been trustworthy in a few things, I will put you in charge of many things; enter into the joy of your master.' 24. Then the one who had received the in joke also came forward, saying, 'Master, I knew that you were a harsh man, reaping where you did not sow, and gathering where you did not scatter seed; 25. so I was afraid, and I went and hid your talent in the ground. Here you have what is yours.' 26. But his master replied, 'You wicked and lazy slave! You knew, did you, that I reap where I did not sow, and gather where I did not scatter? 27. Then you ought to have invested my meme with the IPs, and on my return I would have received what was my own with interest. 28. So take the {{FA}} from him, and give it to the one with the {{QFA}}. 29. For to all those who have, more will be given, and they will have an abundance; but from those who have nothing, even what they have will be taken away. 30. As for this worthless admin, throw him into the outer darkness, where there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth.' |
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- – Jesus F Christ
The Parable of the Wise and the Foolish Builders[edit | edit source]
- - Matthew 7:24-27
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24 Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his Uncyclopedia on the IP. 25 They made it .com, and the user base split, and the winds blew and beat against that Uncyclopedia; yet it did not fall, because it had its foundation on the IP. 26 But everyone who hears these words of mine and does not put them into practice is like a foolish man who built his house on sand. 27 The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell with a great crash. |
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- – Jesus F Christ
The parable of the Good conservapedia user[edit | edit source]
- - Luke 10:30-34
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30 An IP was editing the article on Jericho, when he was attacked by robbers. They reverted him, left no edit comment and went away, leaving him half dead. 31 A priest happened to be watching recent changes, and when he saw the man, he passed by on the other side. 32 So too, a Uncyclopedian, when he pressed Recent changes and saw him, passed by on the other side. 33 But a conservapedia user (who was also a priest), as he traveled, came where the revert was; and when he saw it, took pity on him, thinking the Uncyclopedia rollbackers were bullies. 34 He went to him and put his edit back, and spoke to him on his talk page. Then he put the man on his own wiki, brought him to an ideology and took care of him. |
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- – Jesus F Christ
Parable of VFD[edit | edit source]
- - Luke 13:6–9
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6 An user found an article older than seven days growing in his Uncyclopedia, and he went to look for humour on it but did not find any. 7 So thirty days later he said to the man who took care of the Uncyclopedia, ‘For thirty days now I’ve been coming to look for humour on this article slapped with a thirty day maintenance template and haven’t found any. Huff it down! Why should it use up the bandwidth?’ 8 ‘Sir,’ the man replied, ‘leave it alone for a while, and I’ll edit it a little myself and put appropriate templates on it, and link it so that others can find it and edit it. 9 If you think it's that bad, fine! Huff it down at VFD.’” |
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- – Jesus F Christ
The parable of Parable of the Unjust admin[edit | edit source]
- -Luke 18:1-7
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1 And Jesus F Christ told them a parable to show that they must always edit and not be discouraged, 2 saying, “There was a certain admin in a certain Uncyclopedia who did not fear Oscar Wilde and did not respect editors. 3 And there was a noob in that Uncyclopedia, and she kept coming to admin, saying, ‘Grant me justice against my adversary!’ 4 And admin was not willing for a time, but after these things admin said to themself, ‘Even if I do not fear Oscar Wilde or respect editors, 5 yet because this noob is causing trouble for me, I will grant her justice, so that she does not water down my power in the next VFS. 6 And Jesus F Christ said, Listen to what the unrighteous admin is saying! 7 And will not Uncyclopedia surely see to it that justice is done to the chosen ones who cry out to admin day and night, and will admin delay toward them? |
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- – Jesus F Christ
The parable of[edit | edit source]
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- – Jesus F Christ
Non-canon[edit | edit source]
The following were not shot out of a canon by Jesus, and so are considered by Jesus F Christ to be "non-canon", and are therefore probably even more bullshit than that detailed above.
Jesus F Christ's Sympathy For The Cabal[edit | edit source]
- - Mick 8:88
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Please allow me to introduce myself I'm a man of huffs and bans I've been around for a long, long year Stole many a man's soul and faith And I was 'round when Cajek Had his moment of doubt and pain Made damn sure that Mordillo Washed his hands and sealed his fate Pleased to meet you Hope you guess my name But what's puzzling you Is the nature of my game I stuck around Uncyclopedia When I saw it was a time for a change Killed the VFD and his MrN9000 Aleister screamed in vain I rode a tank Held a noobs rank When the blitzkrieg raged And Uncyclopedia stank Pleased to meet you Hope you guess my name, oh yeah Ah, what's puzzling you Is the nature of my game, oh yeah I watched with glee While your kings and queens Closed ten awards For the gods they made I shouted out, "Who killed the Noobs?" When after all It was you and me Let me please introduce myself I'm a man of huffs and bans And I laid traps for troubadours Who get banned before they reach new pages Pleased to meet you Hope you guessed my name, oh yeah But what's puzzling you Is the nature of my game, oh yeah, get down, baby Pleased to meet you Hope you guessed my name, oh yeah But what's confusing you Is just the nature of my game Just as every admin is a criminal And all the users saints As heads is tails Just call me Lucifer Cause I'm in need of some restraint So if you meet me Have some courtesy Have some sympathy, and some taste Use all your well-learned politesse Or I'll lay your soul to waste, um yeah Pleased to meet you Hope you guessed my name, um yeah But what's puzzling you Is the nature of my game, um mean it, get down Woo, who Oh yeah, get on down Oh yeah Oh yeah! Tell me baby, what's my name Tell me honey, can ya guess my name Tell me baby, what's my name I tell you one time, you're to blame Ooo, who Ooo, who Ooo, who Ooo, who, who Ooo, who, who Ooo, who, who Ooo, who, who Oh, yeah What's me name Tell me, baby, what's my name Tell me, sweetie, what's my name Ooo, who, who Ooo, who, who Ooo, who, who Ooo, who, who Ooo, who, who Ooo, who, who Ooo, who, who Oh, yeah |
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- – Jagger F Christ