User:High Gen. Grue/TYATU/109
Episode 109: ER[edit | edit source]
(The episode starts with Hinoa attempting CPR on Keira, who has a flatline on the EGR in a hospital room)
Hinoa: What happened here? She was just in here from pregnancy!
Han: Don't you have a defrillibrator or something?
Hinoa: That won't work!
Braycat: I'm feeling guilty... I didn't care when the woman I love was hurt... but now I do...
(The pulse returns)
Han: Do you have stabilizer?
Hinoa: Do you think we honestly have that funding? Doctor Moneysign doens't even give us health insurance!
Han: Whatever. Just hand me some forceps and stitches. She has major larcerations, and there are two more bullets.
Hinoa: Just don't return to the battlefield too quick, Hunnicutt.
(Hinoa gives Han some foreceps)
Doctor #1: Can I have ghey sex with Han? And sex with Keira?
Braycat: KEIRA!!! WHY MUST YOU BE HURT?
(Aquarii has sex with Keira, saving her life. Robert videotapes the sex)
Braycat: That reminded me. KEIRA...YOU CHEATED ON ME!!!
Doctor #1: Ooh, a pink string!
Han: Don't tou...
(Doctor #1 plays with the pink string)
Han: ...ch that.
Robert: The boys at the Pentagon are gonna love this!
Doctor #1: Can I have sex with your video tape?
(Sensei calls Diem)
Diem: What is it, Sensei?
Sensei: We've got this dipshit doctor here that I want you to take care of.
Diem: Okay, I'm on my way.
(Diem busts through the hospital on a Jeep with Shek and two South Vietnamese troops)
(Keira flatlines. Sex won't work anymore.)
Hinoa: THANK YOU CAPTAIN CAPITALISM FOR MAKING MY JOB HARDER!
(Hinoa does CPR)
Doctor #1: I need relieve myself in the vending machine again.
Dizberg: So that's why my lemonade tasted so - (throws up)
Diem: Tie that bastard in the white coat relieving himself in the vending machine down.
(Shek ties Doctor #1 down.)
Doctor #1: Ooh! I remember this game from prison after that malpractice lawsuit!
(Keira's pulse comes back)
Aquarii: C'mon Han!
Han: I'm working on it! <removes the bullets with forceps>
Nurse: Can I have sex with Robert?
Nikita: Why is this hospital so dirty?!
Robert: (to South Vietnamese troop) Hold this while I pull down my pants.
(Doctor Moneysign, head of the hospital comes in.)
(The nurse and Robert have sex. The troop is recording it, though he refuses to watch.)
Moneysign: OH MY GOD!
Aquarii: Previously on 24!
(Suddenly, Aquarii saves Keira's life WITH A FIRST SEASON 24 DVD!!!)
Han and Hinoa: WHY DIDN'T YOU DO THAT SOONER? And how dos a DvD mend larcerations?
Aquarii: Jack Bauer Power does. 24 is a major source of Jack Bauer Power.
Doctor Moneysign: Gimme money!!!! I'll let Doctor #1 not be arrested if he pays me a bit!
(Doctor #1 pays Moneysign $50. Moneysign lets Doctor #1 loose.)
(Keira wakes up)
Keira: What happpened?
Moneysign: Nurse Benton, if you don't give me a dollar I'm going to fire you for having sex in my hospital.
(Benton gives Moneysign a dollar)
(Doctor #1 throws a lot of valuable fragile medical supplies out the window)
Adam: An idiotic Robot shot you. And-
(Gertings comes in)
Gertings: Where is my money, and where is my marrige?
Moneysign: I believe the hospital visits cost you...oh...just some 3 million dollars.
Nikita: We don't have that much money! We can't even pay Gertings' 500 dollars!
Corsaire: I've got a 3 million dollar nuclear powered submarine still intact from when we were invading Engelsfair's base.
Emmzed: How the fuck did you get here?
Corsaire: Oh right, and I ANNEX THIS HOSPITAL TO FRANCE!!!
Adam: This Ouroboros sculpture is worth 500 dollars.
Flandos: Methinks tis because we were imprisoned with thee.
Doctor #1: Call me Doctor Trousers. Ooh, a silver penny!!!
Adam: A dime, Trousers, a dime.
PONG-13: I AM THE UNLUCKY 13th PONG!!! KEIRA HAD SEX WITH AQUARII!!!!
Trousers: Ooh, a shiny talking thing!! <pees on PONG, causing PONG to explode>
Gertings: <gets out sub-machinegun> Now, what about my marraige with Sensei?
(PONG-14 picks up a materialized Monkey's paw)
PONG-14: I WISH I COULD BE A BETTER ROBOT RATHER THAN HAVING THIS STUPID PAW!
Engelsfair: NOOOOO!
(PONG-14 is lifted off the ground. The paw falls from his hand. He is transformed into Locutus of Pong)
Pong: I am Locutus, of Pong.
(Gertings attempts to shoot Pong, but it doesn't affect him)
Han: Give it this memory wipe! It might work!
(Trousers pees on Pong, destroying it.)
PONG-15: I HATE MONKEY PAWS!!!
Han: Or just do that.
PONG-15: I HATE MONKEY PAWS!!!
(An big, Old, Yeller dog lunges at PONG-15)
Trousers: Puppy!!!
(Trousers sticks a needle into PONG, PONG explodes. Trousers notices the monkey's paw and picks it up)
Trousers: Ooo. What's this do?
Supwealuhop: It makes wishes come true.
Nikita: But-
(Supwealuhop nudges Nikita)
Trousers: Neato! I wish for a driveway!
(A driveway crashes through the ceiling on top of Keira's hospital room)
Trousers: YAY! I wish for a string to play with!!!
Engelsfair: <cries> It only works once, damnit.
Han: OH DAMNIT!
(A fouteen year old boy, Travis, comes into the room)
Travis: Yeller!
Han: What about it?
Travis: Oh don't worry, he's a hunter AND a fighter.
Moneysign: Get that big, ugly, old, yeller dog out of my Hospital! Or pay me!!!
(Another few paws appear.)
Trousers: I wish for a string to play with, a dog, and ownership of this hospital!!!
(A spirit materialises)
Spirit: It doesn't work that way, buddy. Choose one thing. Comon. I'm on a schedule here.
Engelsfair: I wish I was evil again!
(Keira is helped out of the pieces of concrete by Han, Adam, and Aquarii. she only has a few scratches.)
Aquarii: You're one lucky girl.
Spirit: The doctor, not you, may wish.
Trousers: I wish for a string to play with!!!
Engelsfair: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
(Engelsfair becomes permanantly non-Darth)
Engelsfair: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
(...but he tries to wish again with another monkey's paw.)
Engelsfair: I wish to be a powerful evil Commie!
(He indeed becomes an Evil communist, but he likes little porcelain ponies.)
(Engelsfair is transformed into C)
Han: From Star Wars to Star Trek. h goddy.
C: MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Ohhh! Is that a porcelain mustang?
(C takes the mustang and puts it on a shelf.)
Moneysign: You have to pay for that.
C: No I don't.
Moneysign: Yes you do.
C: No I don't.
(Moneysign kicks him in the shin. C falls down in pain.)
C: Asshole!
(Suddenly, Trousers strangles C with his pink string. C kicks Trousers. Trousers kicks him back. This goes on for several hours.)
Hinoa: Usually I like seeing someone kicking the crap out of Dr. Trousers but this is getting a little boring.
(Trousers throws C at the wall)
Trousers: Ha ha!!! Ooh, a penny!!!
(A starship piloted by a Comma Brigade James T. Contestant orbits above. Cerid communicates with Scotchy.)
Cerid: Scotchy, several to beam aboard.
Scotchy: Aye aye!
(All the characters are beamed aboard)
Scotchy: Scotchy at your service!
Shamus: Say, Scotchy, do ya got any Sco-
Scotchy: No, and I'll beat your face in if you ask again.
Shamus: How about some whiskey?
James: This. Ship. Has. No. Whiskey.
Benson: NICE SHIP!!!
James: Stop. Yelling.
Zatoichi: This room smells like cat piss.
Cerid: Don't ask.
(They are guided to the bridge)
Dizberg: So why are we here, exactly?
Cerid: Well, to go where no man has gone before.
C: And spread communism accross the solar system!
(Cerid kicks C in the shin. He falls down in pain.)
C: Asshole!
Han: Uhh, Cerid, as a Brigaider General in the Comma Brigade, I should say somthing.
Cerid: What?
Han: COMMUCUBE!
James: Red alert!
Han: I'll man the turret.
James: There is no. Turret. It's guided. Missle. Systems. Man the left. Station. On the. Bridge.
Han: WHAT?
James: Man the. Left Station there. Dammit.
(Han mans the left station)
Han: I have no idea of what the hell I'm doing.
Trousers: Then let me man it!
(Trousers mans it, sets in the right coordinates and fires a string at the Commucube)
Trousers: Neato!
Cerid: Out of all the weapons we have, you fire a string?
Trousers: Everyone loves strings!
Han: Move it, I read the manual.
(Han mans the station, and fires a sonic cannon at the CommuCube)
Adam: How did you do that?
Han: The manual. Everything that can confuse you comes with a manual.
(A commuborg materialises on deck.)
Commuborg: Hello every body! My name is of Borgat! I get string that you sent! It neato!
Trousers: Ooh, a big pink kitty!!!
Han: Oh great, TWO 0-IQ guys!!!
(Suddenly, a Trousers clone appears)
Everyone: ARGH!!!
Gertings: STILL? Where is my marraige? <Raises sub-machine gun>
Trousers: RIGHT HERE!!! <shoots strings at Gertings, knocking him off the ship>
Froggy: Ribbit... all these ribbitss around me make me ribbit how to ribbit Ribbit. Buffalo buffalo buffalo. Froggy away! (Froggy hops into his chariot and flys off to Oxford university to read up on more Shakespeare)
Borgat and Trousers: Ooh, a purple string!!!
Trousers #2: Ooh, can I have sex with Moonshine?
Moonshine: No. <faints>
Adam: Galactic Communist Ship, detected ninety degrees north.
Cerid: Good discovery, High Brigader Adam, now lets proofread that ship, team!!!
Nikita: Err... what?
Han: Proofread the ship.
Nikita: How do you proofread a ship?
Cerid: We Comma Brigadiers know a secret. A great secret of the universe. And life. And everything.
Nikita: 42?
Han: No, proofreading. The true proofreading.
Adam: It is a secret. Just understand that it involves heavy comma cannons. And strings.
Trousers: Ooh ooh, strings!
Borgat: Strings are nice!!!
(Lasers hit the Comma Brigade ship)
Han: We're losing shields!
Cerid: Start the backup!
Adam: We don't have a-
(Credits roll, with a huge explosion heard at the end)
This script is an episode of
Episodes:
54 - 55 - 56 - 57 - 58 - 59 - 60 - 61 - 62 - 63 - 64 - 65 - 66 - 67 - 69 - 70 - 71 - 72 - 73 - 75 - 76 - 77 - 78 - 79 - 80 - 81 - 82 - 83 - 84 - 85 - 86 - 87 - 88 - 89 - 90 - 91 - 95 - 97 - 100 - 102 - 104 - 105 - 106 - 107 - 108 - 109 - 110
Episode lists and summary - List of characters
Spinoffs:
TYATU Guest Episodes:
NOTE: Guest episodes have absolutely no relavance the the plot of TYATU.