User:Calindreams/Princess Diana
“Dirty Diana”
Diana Spencer "AKA Princess Died" (born: Monkeys in Space Era – died: Cloned Sheep Era). Incarnation of a Greek Goddess, known throughout the world for her infamous 'Who'll-snuff-it -first' death-match with Mother Teresa, being nice in hospitals and the untimely and tragically awful commemoration song by her friend Elton John. She was married for a time to Charlie zu Glücksburg.
The Early Years[edit | edit source]
Pre-existence[edit | edit source]
Before her arrival onto this stinking plain of death and corruption Princess Diana began her (non)existence as a Goddess of the Hunt. It was her wish to once again taste the bitter-sweet fruit of humanity and walk amongst us. This time she would be a hunter for truth, kindness and charity. After several attempts at incarnating herself (as a tarot-card, a milk maid and as the daughter of a simple, working class grocer) she finally pushed through that thin red veil, screaming and kicking, into that holy place we all know as Norfolk.
Birth and Childhood[edit | edit source]
Accidentally born into a family of Royal Heritage, Diana spent most of her childhood years trying to eschew all connections with wealth and privelege. Her often erratic and unladylike behaviour caused her mother, Frances, to think she was The Spawn of Satan. Strange birthmarks on the forehead, varied and amusing accidental mousetrap-style deaths of nannies and other portentious signs accompanied Diana's early years. This lead to frequent arguments between her parents over the true nature of their child and their eventual divorce.
John Spencer always knew his child was special and sent her to New School at West Heath a special school for special children, full of potential and divine beauty. There, she purposely failed her O'levels twice to piss everyone off. She tried instead to pursue a career in Ballet until her dance tutor told her it wasn't appropriate for such a delicate soul and that she was too fucking tall.
Engagment[edit | edit source]
Diana first met the future King of England ....................... However, it was important that in order to retain the right as heir to the throne he must marry a virgin, so in no time at all they were engaged passionately in non-coital, fully-clothed frottage behind the haystack.
Charles wasn't allowed to marry a Roman Catholic nor, at his father's instistent a 'slitty-eye' or a spear-chucker. Once establishing that Diana was only one of these three things proposed to her with an 18 carat gold ring encrusted with 14 diamonds and a sapphire, which, to preserve her status to be a 'people's goddess', Diana refused, accepting "one of those plastic ones which one would find in them sea-side chicken machines'.
Marriage[edit | edit source]
She insisted they marry in a simple country village church with only close friends and family present. At the wedding service she was shocked to find out how spacious and elaborate simple village churches had become and just how many close friends and relatives they had and what on earth was The Queen doing here for God's sake? Only at this moment did Diana realise she was marrying into royalty. During the vows Diana purposely swapped Charles' first two names around hoping this would technically annul the marriage although some argue it meant she had inadvertently married Prince Philip.
Suicide attempts[edit | edit source]
Diana tried to reveal to the world how desperately unhappy she was in her marriage by attempting a series of Harold-Lloyd-esque suicide attempts. These were hilariously misconstrued by the media to be acts of charity. Among these attempts include:
- Trying to contract AIDS by sharing a toilet seat with a gay man whilst holding his penis which shortly thereafter led to her new Gay Icon status and nickname "The Pink People's Penis Pumper." This consequently led to a dangerous spread of awareness among the gay community when there was a huge rise in communal 'rub-ins' which further lead to some cases of self-combustion.
- Donning a ballistic helmet and flak jacket and jumping around some Angolan mine-field trying to set off landmines. When nothing happened it was quickly revealed to the world that landmines were a myth. For this she was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize.
Descent into Madness[edit | edit source]
After the birth of her two sons, affectionately dubbed by the public as 'The Sporty 'un and the The Ginger 'un, her fairy tale marriage soon turned into a Lynchian nightmare.
In a revealing interview on Blue Peter with Peter Duncan, Diana talked about this period of her life:
"Sometimes it felt like I was the leading role in the movie of my own life - and I was behind the camera and I would wake up looking at myself and Charles in bed, but it wasn't me it was a horse and the horse and Charles would be laughing at me and I would shout stop it and I'd wake up to find myself in bed but it wasn't a bed it was a coffin. Living as a royal was like being bummed in the brain by a thousand dwarves."
This episode of Blue Peter, however, will be remembered by most people for the hilarity caused by an elephant shitting on live TV.
Death[edit | edit source]
The only established fact concerning the death of Princess Diana is that nobody will ever actually know what really happened. Conversely, there are many things about it we do know for sure.
- In a letter to Andrew Morton she said she was going to die and she did actually die. This fact has been officially recognised as 'Impossible to Argue with'.
- Her death has never been fully explained, despite being driven in a car through a dark French tunnel by a pissed chauffeur in sunglasses. Indeed the car was clearly sighted as being driven on the right, whereas we all know that you should drive on the left of the road, in any sane country. And America. Oh, and Cyprus.
- A conspiracy theory surrounds her death, along with the similar deaths of Ayrton Senna and briefly popular Austrian eighties synth pop rock star Falco.
