User:AlbinoNeutrino

Origins

AlbinoNeutrino was born in 1923 on the shores of Lake Como in what is today known as "Italy". Modern detractors claim that his place of birth was one of the things that caused AlbinoNeutrino to become, in their words: " A vandal, a sexual deviant and a wholesale liar who deserves to be buried inside a fridge, in a very deep hole." However, these critics ignore the fact that, in 1923, giving birth on the shore of a lake was all the fashion. And, further, as AlbinoNeutrino's mother testifies: " You have to remember that women were so much more innocent in those days. I wasn't even sure that I was having a baby. I had kind of hoped that it was a balloon."

Adventures with Uncle Beaver

When he was aged 5, AlbinoNeutrino's family moved to Antwerp, in what is today known as "Belgium". The move was an event that he would always look back on as something that changed his life forever. This was most particularly as his family didn't actually tell him they were moving. He was found wandering around the town square eating an ice cream by his Uncle Beaver, a local merchant. Under the auspices of Uncle Beaver, AlbinoNeutrino was sent to work in a coal mine near Bruges. Here, his keen sense of humor, willingness to help others and positive outlook quickly led him to become hated by everybody. At the age of eleven, he was sacked from the mine. With funds from Uncle Beaver, AlbinoNeutrino took a tramp steamer to China. Progress was slow, though the steamed tramps were popular and sold well.

The Grand Unified Theory of Everything

It was in China that AlbinoNeutrino began to write what was to become his magnum opus: " The Grand Unified Theory of Everything ", with its famous opening line, now known to millions of school children all over the world: " There is some stuff, see, and then there is more stuff mixed in, so that makes a lump, and then, you see, there isn't just one lump, there's loads - like millions - and all these lumps add up and when you add them up, you get everything." Albert Einstein, on reading the theory, reportedly said " So, that's where all the stuff went". The book made AlbinoNeutrino's name. He was photographed by the Great Lizard Popsty and painted blue by Picasso.

WAR!! It's Useless but it Happens. So we all Just Have to put up With it.

On the outbreak of war, AlbinoNeutrino wrote to the British Prime Minister Winston Churchill and said : " It wasn't my fault. I was in the park, feeding pigeons. " Churchill - ever polite - wrote back to AlbinoNeutrino and said that he perfectly understood that the war wasn't Albino's fault. He invited AlbinoNeutrino to help the war effort by becoming Churchill's dogsbody. So Albino spent the war in the now famous bunker in London, only nipping out every now and then to buy Churchill a milkshake.

Nasty Under Arm Problem

When the war ended, AlbinoNeutrino to marry his childhood sweetheart, Mina Gubnugget, who had been employed by the war ministry because here nose was sensitive to enemy radar. They married in the small but picturesque village of "Nasty under Arm" near the town of "Dollop" in what is today known as "Dorset". Many people came to the occasion, including the young popster, Cliff Richard, though he wasn't invited.

Thing

After the wedding, AlbinoNeutrino wrote the book which made him even more famous then the first one. It was really small, and was called " The little book of things ". Each page featured one thing. On one page there was a tractor, for instance. On another, a snooker ball. The book became the big craze of the summer of 1958. Everyone wanted to read it and point out to each other which thing was on what page. In 1959, " The little book of even more things " was released, and it too became a national best seller. The young popster, Cliff Richard, wrote the forward, though no one asked him, and no one really wanted him too anyway.

AlbinoNeutrino Goes Into Space

In 1975 AlbinoNeutrino was fired into space by the Soviet Union. They did it using a big catapult. Brezniev is reported to have said " I hope that he never comes back ". The Russian Army and politbureau members and the newsagency was on hand to witness the event. But, on that occasion, the catapult was not strong enough, and AlbinoNeutrino landed in a nearby haystack. FBI agents found him and smuggled him to Chicago on a tramp steamer. J. Edgar Hoover told AlbinoNeutrino that the tramps were delicious, but AlbinoNeutrino later said that he couldn't concentrate because he spent the whole interview trying not to laugh at the name "Hoover".

Just Go and Bloodywell Do Something

In the eighties, AlbinoNeutrino and his wife's dog separated over a dispute about the number of two letter words allowed in a game of Scrabble. AlbinoNeutrino moved to Madrid where he wrote a manual for people who can't decide what to do. It was called " Just go and bloody well do something. " And it was probably his biggest mistake. Critics lashed out at the book, calling it an unjustified and badly spelled heap of disturbing nonsense.

Phil Collins and Communism

In the nineties Hoover and the FBI raided AlbinoNeutrino's fridge. Boris Yeltsin took his collection of Phil Collins CD's. Yeltsin reportedly later remarked to an aid "This Phil Collins CD "Hits", that is a capitalist spelling mistake - the "s" is in the wrong place." Oh, they laughed and laughed. AlbinoNeutrino was less fortunate. He ended up in a doss house in Barcelona, in what is today known as "Spain". These days, he spends his time dribbling, shouting, eating cake and occasionally tapping his remaining thoughts into his keyboard. Cliff Richard calls round some times, but AlbinoNeutrino just tells him to

• • Transcript Ends

AlbinoNeutrino has had his mucky paws all over the following stuff:

• Blade Runner
• Up
• Greenhouse Effect
• Vladimir Putin's Brain
• Guinea Pig
• Stanley Kubrick
• Cliff Richard
• Sarcasm
• Buzz Aldrin
• Flogging a dead horse
• West Bollocks Albion
• Logic

Sometimes he sticks his nose here.