UnNews:Zombies to produce "Girls Gone Wild" series
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
27 May 2007
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NEW YORK, NY - During a recent raid of a UCLA fraternity house, a mob of zombies surprised students who were watching Girls Gone Wild videos in which young women, many of them inebriated coed college students on spring break, bare their breasts to cameramen in exchange for gaudy Mardi Gras beads or other costume jewelry. Although the young women are content with such baubles, the zombies found that the videos’ producer, Joe Francis, has become a multi-millionaire since starting his enterprise in the late 1990’s, and it dawned on them (finally) that they, too, might earn a fortune by videotaping nubile, half-naked zombie women.
Whereas Francis has used his fortune to pursue his "own selfish pleasures,” zombie spokesman Pernell Roberts told Unnews’ reporter Lotta Lies, “we will use our ill-gotten gains to promote the safety, health, and welfare of the zombie nation.”
Some of the anticipated wealth might also be used to beautify the zombies’ residential communities. “Some of America’s older cemeteries have fallen into a serious state of neglect,” Roberts asserted.
The zombies have approached both Steven Spielberg and George Lucas about producing their series, tentatively called Zombie Girls Gone Wild. “It’s not all that original as a title,” Roberts admitted, “but it has instant name recognition, thanks to Frances’ exploitation of wild women among the living.”
Neither Spielberg nor Lucas was interested in producing the zombies’ series. “It’s a hard idea to pitch to a living filmmaker,” Roberts said. “Most Hollywood types are bigoted toward blacks, gays, and zombies, so it’s hard to sell them on any idea, let alone a Zombie Girls Gone Wild video series, unless one is Jewish--and, if male, circumcised.” The zombies plan to ask Alfred Hitchcock to produce the series, Roberts said, “if we can locate his grave.”
Another problem that the zombies have encountered is finding “appealing girls,” Roberts declared. “Many have rotted to the point that, quite frankly, they are more appalling than appealing. No one, except maybe a zombie pervert, is interested in seeing the inside a woman’s breasts or a coil of intestines instead of--well, you know.” Zombie girls, moreover, “tend to have a gray complexion and a smell that has nothing to do with the perfume they wear,” Roberts added.
There is also another obstacle to the production of the Zombie Girls Gone Wild series. According to Roberts, “zombies, being dead, tend to be rather stupid. However, our diet is brains, and the more brains one eats, the more intelligent he or she becomes, over time. Some of our girls, even the blondes, are becoming too smart to expose themselves for a few strawberry daiquiris and a couple of strings of Mardi Gras beads or cheap costume jewelry."
"The smarter they get, the less inclined they are to kiss or fondle each other, too,” Roberts said. “Unlike Sarah Michelle Gellar and Selma Blair,” actresses who exchange lesbian kisses in Crude Intentions, “our girls are starting to figure out the whole opposite sex thing.” Sexual play, like the baring of breasts, is a mainstay of the Girls Gone Wild series, and Roberts believes such behavior will be “expected” by the Zombie Girls Gone Wild series fans as well.
“Maybe we can put the girls on a diet consisting exclusively of actors or other mentally handicapped people, such as politicians,” Roberts said. “Hillary Clinton and Barack O’Bama look pretty appetizing, and, as intellect goes, they’re more no-cal than low-cal. Of course, feeding the girls nothing but idiots’ brains could have undesired consequences, too. Like Pamela Anderson, Jennifer Love Hewitt, and Tara Reid, they might begin to think that they, rather than their breasts, are the real stars.”
The zombies are determined to overcome these obstacles. “Zombie Girls Gone Wild will happen,” Roberts declared. “It’s just a matter if time, and, if there’s one thing we zombies have in abundance, it’s time.”
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- Lotta Lies "Zombies conceive new wrinkle for snuff films" Instant News, 28 seconds ago