UnNews:Uncyclopedia writers end strike after 146 days

Monday, September 25, 2023

U

ncyclopedia's brilliant writers have finally reached a deal with that greedy bastard Lyrithya to finally start paying us to make this shit up for a living. All we're waiting on now is to perfect the language of the contract, which is to say to add gratuitous profanity just to make us seem pretentiously intellectual.

But like a kid on Christmas, we got too excited to wait to share the details that we ironed out with you Beverly Hills fat cats with fifteen yachts and five hot wives and bad toupees.

Good writers will be paid $1 million per individual letter of each article they write. However, veteran writers such as PF4Eva, Leverage and Kippy will be paid $50 million per article. That's not a typo. We're finally making not just money, period, but Tom Hanks money. Robert Downey Jr. money. I can finally afford that castle beach house in Malibu!

All Uncyclopedia and UnNews writers who suck will be promptly replaced by robots and AI. No one will notice. Most of them are European spambots anyway.

All writers, including the crappy ones, will receive 4K Blu-rays of the unaltered versions of a yet-to-be-named space opera.

Lyrithya is to provide us with comfortable king- and queen-sized beds and three-day rest periods in between articles. We must also be rewarded bedtime snacks such as Hostess, gummies, Oreo cookies, water, soda, and especially orange soda.

Lyrithya must honor our rights to worship whatever gods we choose, but currently only Zeus, Odin, Apollo, Poseidon, George Burns, Morgan Freeman and that tree over there. (We're having licensing issues with the other gods.) We will now get Jewish holidays off. And we will not normally work on Shabbat unless the news calls for it. A Kosher diet is optional.

We are now allowed to write our articles while sitting on the toilet, preventing us from losing all that precious time walking to and from the bathroom.

We will now be referred to by subordinate peasants by our proper titles of nobility. I'm quite fancying Sir Duke Baron King Tewkesbury Tiberius PF4Eva IV, Duke of Earl.

Writers who have difficulties with noisy environments will now be provided safe spaces to freely write in. Due to their small size, they will be called mini rooms.

If our work appears in another article, that's another $50 million in our pockets.

Lyrithya will finally stop blaming me for all her farts.

Most importantly, each writer will be given a bowl of M&M's with the brown ones removed. Brown makes our brains run on fumes, whereas the other colors maintain our manic energy levels.

Fellow writers and Writers Guild of Uncyclopedia members, our deal was made possible by you. And our expensive, bribable lawyers who helped pull several strings that Lyrithya previously wouldn't budge on.

That's all we wanted. Was it really that hard?

Sources

• WGA Negotiating Committee "Negotiations Update: Tentative Agreement" WGA, September 24, 2023
• Chloe Melas and Daniel Arkin "Hollywood screenwriters and studios reach tentative deal to resolve strike" NBC News, September 24, 2023