UnNews:USA's disturbed teens in desperate need of target practice
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
8 December 2007
CHICAGO, Illinois - Experts from all over the nation, on the subject mass shootings, are currently having a meeting this weekend at the Chicago Hilton. The topic for discussion? Our nation's teens and their desperate need for target practice.
At least two major massacre shootings (one at Virginia Tech in April, and the most recent at Westroads City Mall in Omaha, NE) have occurred in 2007, both of which involved a one person to ten bullet kill ratio. In the Virginia Tech massacre, Seung-Hui Cho was carting around 400 rounds of ammunition, but somehow, he managed to only kill 32 people. Meanwhile, in the more recent shooting, witnesses report that depressed loner Robert Hawkins fired over 50 shots, killing only eight people. Most experts agree that this is an astounding drop in the kill-ratio of Americans.
"In America, we have a long-standing tradition of making our bullets count. Our military's sniper units take this to the next level: one shot, one kill", said noted firearm expert, Thomas Smith, of South Carolina.
Smith blames video games and Hollywood movies for the dramatic downfall of America's ability to shoot, "Video games and Hollywood movies have taught kids these days that ammunition does not matter. So many video games have unrealistic kill zones when shooting the enemy."
After pausing for effect, Smith continued, "Hollywood movies, on the other hand, show people firing fifty rounds from firearms that only hold thirteen or fourteen rounds, at most. Children who grew up in the 80s and 90s have never learned to conserve ammo or make each shot count the way our ancestors did".
Noted child psychologist Wendy Traumeir agrees with Mr. Smith on most of his points. "Children these days have extremely short attention spans, thus they do not often pay attention to details. Couple this short attention span with the way media relates messages of unlimited ammunition and 'shoot in the direction of your target and they'll die', and it really does not help the situation at all", she told us in an interview given after her early-morning speech at the convention. She continued, "A lot of these kids think just because they got the achieved the gold medal with the AR-35 at the shooting range in Rare's Perfect Dark, they can go out and maliciously and judiciously kill just as effectively with a real weapon! It's these sort of sad delusions that are leading to so much destruction (of inanimate objects and private property) from wasted bullets."
Smith later made a resounding plea to the convention crowd, and America in general, "We have to teach our kids to shoot straight, shoot true. We have to take our children to shooting ranges, so we can avoid wasting so much ammunition."
Hippie, "peaceniks" have even gotten in on the action during the Chicago conference. Rose Basil-Sunshine Juare, a noted peace and environmental activist said "I actually agree with the notable redneck asshat, Mr. Smith. However, I agree with him for different reason. I think it is absolutely terrible for the environment that children are wasting so much ammunition. The manufacture of ammunition takes a terrible toll on the environment, both from the metal casings, and the spread of soft lead that comes from the wasted bullets not hitting their intended targets."
After attending the conference, it seems that many Americans, from all walks of life, agree on one thing: We have to stop the shootings, at least until young people learn to shoot more accurately.
Sources[edit | edit source]
- Albert Desalvo "Teens want automatic weapons, claymore mines for Christmas" Arkham House, December 9, 2007