UnNews:Tide pushes bounds of physics

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

2 June 2009

Think this is white? Well at Proctor and Gamble, it's not near white enough. In fact, at Proctor and Gamble, this is called "black".

SECRET FACILITY, Secret Location - Proctor and Gamble, long known to be the front organization for Satan, is believed to be trying to disrupt the very fabric of our universe with its continually "new and improved" Tide.

For the past sixty plus years, Tide, the detergent that gets your whites whiter than white has been becoming newer and more improved with each passing decade. "Where does it end?", asked Dr. Elliot Branson of MIT, "At what point do the physical laws that govern our universe break down?"

Dr. Branson is referring to the fact that "whiter than white" was at the beginning a rather bold and seemingly impossible claim - except that with Satan's help, they apparently pulled it off. "They actually did get 'white' to be 'whiter'", reported Branson, "which flew in the face of conventional theory."

The color white is actually composed of all the visible waves of light in the spectrum, and so could be said to be the composite of all colors. Given that there are no more colors to add, white would then seem to be an absolute, and - as many theologians believe - as perfect as it can get.

Researchers at Tide have been overturning that assumption. In a closely guarded secret process, they actually make 'white whiter'. Then came the "new and improved" phenomena. To make it more white than white was bad enough, but to make white whiter and whiter every year is increasingly being viewed as dangerous.

"Where are they getting the additional waves of light to add to the spectrum?", ask Dr. Branson. "Intensive studies have not shown even where they got the original additional waves, let alone the new ones they add every year. At some point, won't they run out? And what of the area of the cosmos where these new waves are being removed from? Could this account for why there is so much dark matter out there?"

P&G CEO Satan gets more waves of visible light to make your whites whiter than white.

Indeed, that is now believed to be the origin of the once hotly disputed concept of dark matter. "It's easy to see why scientists sixty years ago scoffed at dark matter - there wasn't any at the time", reported Dr. Branson. "But since Tide came on the scene, dark matter has been more and more prevalent, and is now believed to comprise a substantial portion of our universe."

The rate of Tide becoming "newer", more "improved" and "whiter" is increasing exponentially. Vigorous ad campaigns, a world wide market, and recently, even volunteering to do laundry for those too poor to do it...all this is adding up, and scientists say that there are definitely finite limits to it. "At some point, all matter will be 'dark matter', if this keeps up. I advocate that the use of Tide be immediately restricted. Say for lab coats only."

A spokesman for Proctor and Gamble brushed off these concerns. "No one cares about obscure theories of conditions elsewhere in the cosmos. Let it be darker. We want mankind to have whiter whitenesses of white, and intend that they get it. True, eventually this will mean blackness everywhere else, even here on earth. But Satan, our CEO for the past 150 years, assures us that this will only work out for the best."

Cackling maniacally, the spokesman then vanished in a puff of smoke.

Sources

• Thomas Anselm "Is the color white too much of a good thing?" BBC News America, June 1, 2009