UnNews:Supreme Court rules Congress free to stick it to the American people
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
28 June 2012
WASHINGTON, D. C. –- In the wake of the U. S. Supreme Court's decision to uphold the healthcare bill shaped by the Senate under the scrutiny of President Barack Obama, the Senate is elated, as are Democrats in the House of Representatives. “Tightwad Herbert Hoover promised American citizens a measly chicken in every pot, but, now that we have been given the power to order the American people to buy anything we want or face stiff taxes if they don't, the sky's the limit!” House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi gushed.
The nation waited, with bated breath, to hear what decision the high court would make concerning the controversial 1,000 pages of legislation that is likely to affect every American citizen, possibly forever. Many pundits expected that the Supreme Court would rule the bill unconstitutional, but Chief inJustice John G. Roberts, Jr., a George W. Bush mistake appointee who had been considered a political conservative, sided with the high court's four liberal justices in upholding the law's constitutionality.
Obamacare is not a mandate, despite its universal requirement that all Americans purchase healthcare from Obama, but a tax. “If you don't buy Obamacare, the IRS is going to tax you,” Roberts said.
The legislation is expected to make Obama the world's wealthiest person, putting not millions, or even billions, but trillions of dollars in the president's pocket. “I said I was going to redistribute the nation's wealth,” Obama said, with a wink and a grin. “I just didn't say how I was going to do it.”
“The president promised change,” Senator John McCain reminded his political “friends.” “Now, that's all that hardworking American men and women are going to have left of their paycheck, after they purchase their Obama-mandated Obamacare—pocket change! You should have voted for Sarah [Palin] and me when you had the chance.”
Already, Senate Democrats are meeting, once again behind closed doors, to plan additional buy-or-pay-more-taxes legislation. Although the senators have been close-mouthed about their plans, leaks suggest that they intend to compel their fellow Americans to purchase, on each of twelve successive days, the following items, in these quantities, or pay a punitive tax: twelve drummers drumming, eleven pipers piping, ten lords a-leaping, nine ladies dancing, eight maids a-milking, seven swans a-swimming, six geese a-laying, five gold rings, four calling birds, three French hens, two turtle doves, and a partridge in a pear tree.
It is estimated that the items on the Senate's “Christmas list” for American taxpayers could easily top $100,000. The punitive tax, however, is ten times that amount. “We expect Americans will have the wisdom to purchase the non-mandated items and avoid the taxes,” the Senate's Majority Leader, Harry Reid, predicted.
Pelosi is also thinking about adding a pink sweater for ladies and a pink jacket or tie for men for two reasons: “Because I like pink, and because I can.” She may also add goldfish and bunny slippers for all. “My granddaughter likes them,” she said.
After pausing to reflect upon her past colleagues for a moment, Pelosi added, “If Barney Frank were still in office, Americans would be buying all sorts of unusual things wrapped either in plain brown paper or rainbow-colored foil, if you catch my drift.”
"Knowing the president's same-sex sexual orientation, that could happen yet," the former Massachusetts senator observed. "I should give 'Pansy' a call."