UnNews:Sitcom nerd gets laid, ruins Catholicism

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Friday, December 18, 2015

2,000 years. That's a pretty good run.

A long time ago in a Vatican far, far away, the Pope declared his love for the CBS sitcom The Big Bang Theory and held it up as a gold standard of Catholic faith. Now that faith has been shaken like an apocalyptic earthquake, as beloved and widely hated character Dr. Sheldon Cooper has finally engaged in coitus.

The crises occured Thursday night when an episode aired in which Sheldon had sex for the first time with his girlfriend, Amy Farah Fowler, fellow scientist and fellow virgin. This episode was the climax[1] of a seasons long story arc about an aggressively asexual manchild doing everything in his power to aggrivate his girlfriend and deny her any form of physical gratification whatsover. The relationship of Sheldon and Amy, often dubbed 'Shamy', slowly evolved[2] from a platonic relationship based purely on intellect, to a romantic dating status, to boyfriend and girlfriend in every way but the carnal. Finally, in the late season of 9, the non-human Sheldon has progressed from one dimension to two and become enough of a real person that he would do what biological creatures are supposed to do. Whether or not this could be interpreted as good comedy by even the most liberal standards is up for debate, but the Catholic Church is pretty embarrassed about it, after going on and on for years about how cool this show was to all their friends. Shamy indeed.

Worse than merely falling out of love with a television show, the direction it's taken has now thrown the entire Catholic belief system in jeopardy. Having watched it religiously after Pope Benedict's recommendation and begrudgingly deciding they liked it, the Church would incorporate themes of the hit sitcom into official Vatican law. Including a doctrine of Sheldon Cooper's Perpetual Virginity, the idea that Sheldon would remain pure and free from the sins of the flesh so that he could continue to explore the heavens and bring us closer to our Creator. This doctrine of eternal celibacy, once held up as inspiration for clergy, has now been rendered void, because some tv writers thought their character needed development or something.

Who's laughing now?

"How could they do this?!" cried Archbishop James Capaldi. "I loved Big Bang. I mean, it's gone downhill since I started watching, but still. Why did they go and ruin Sheldon?!" The archbishop sobbed hot tears in a fit of existential angst. "I don't know what to believe anymore. Is there a God? Was Jesus His only begotten Son? Is the Church infallible? Maybe Big Bang Theory isn't even that good of a show."

One might assume this is no biggie, like eating meat on Friday, but, in fact, it stabs right into the heart of modern Catholicism. After years of studying the Chuck Lorre sitcom, the Vatican's Council of Fan Fiction wrote an elaborate mythology around Sheldon's virginity, ultimately tying it into the Virgin Mary herself. Without any foresight to where this Sheldon-Amy relationship plot was going, Sheldon no longer being a virgin throws Mariology itself into question: Mary's own virginity, her status as the Queen of Heaven, the Immaculate Conception, and whether Jesus Christ himself was God incarnate.

"Yeah, in retrospect, this was a pretty stupid endeavor," said Vatican theologian Father Faraday while smoking a cigarette. "In fact, we probably should've just dropped the whole 'perpetual virginity of Mary' thing years ago. Kevin Smith tried to set us straight in Dogma, but we didn't listen. We never listen."

"You never listen."

While the now infamous episode was written to coincide with the premiere of Star Wars: The Force Awakens, the fact that the timing also coincides with the very celebration of Christ's birth makes it especially painful to Catholics worldwide. What began on Epiphany ends days before Christmas. It's almost as if Lucifer himself orchestrated the entire thing.[3]

Season 9, episode 11 of The Big Bang Theory will live in infamy as Catholicism's 9/11. Whether or not the Church will survive this crises of dogma is for time to tell. The current Pope Francis, who was always more of a fan of 2 Broke Girls anyway, is optimistic that Catholicism will prevail. "Despite our reputation to the contrary, Mother Church has always been a very flexible institution." The Pope then told a cardinal to get up, he was sitting in his spot.


  1. Bazinga. [audience laughs]
  2. Nearly as slow a pace as natural selection! See? I, too, can write science jokes.
  3. He probably isn't a big fan of nerds either.