UnNews:Shuttle destruction delayed by alien flying saucer

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

19 September 2006

The Space Shuttle flashes its lights at the UFO, which refuses to get the fuck out of the way.

HOUSTON, Texas (AP) -- NASA delayed the planned landing of space shuttle Atlantis by at least a day Tuesday after engineers spotted an alien flying saucer that just won't speed up or pull over so that the shuttle can continue its doomed re-entry.

A crash landing had been scheduled for Wednesday morning. But a poor weather forecast and concerns that the saucer will veer into the re-entry path prompted the delay, space shuttle communicator Terry Virts told the crew.

"We've tried to radio the aliens, and even flashed our headlights at the thing, but it just won't budge," responded Atlantis commander Brent Jett, referring to using their attempts to get the saucer out of the way. "It has its turn signal on, but it doesn't turn."

NASA engineers think the saucer may be inhabited by aliens from a planet where the speed limits are a lot slower than they are around Earth. Or perhaps they're really old. NASA managers may order Atlantis' robotic arm to be taken out again to see if they can nudge the saucer out of the way. And the space agency hasn't ruled out the possibility of having the crew return to the space station.

Sensors on the shuttle's right wing detected some kind of impact about the same time the alien was first spotted, prompting the crew to think they may have been victims of a hit-and-run, but NASA officials said it was more likely the sensors were triggered by the spacecraft shaking during the jet firings.

A Russian Soyuz TMA-9 capsule with an Iranian-American telecommunications entrepreneur, an astronaut and a cosmonaut was heading to the space station for a docking set for early Wednesday. Engineers are concerned because aliens are notoriously piss-poor drivers and could cause additional problems for the incoming Russian ship.

"The question is what the fuck is the matter with these aliens? Can't they see we want to pass? Are they just stupid, or don't they have eyes?" said Wayne Hale, space shuttle program manager. "We want to make sure the aliens are out of the way, and we're safe before committing to that critical journey through the atmosphere."

Astronauts aboard the shuttle were able to take photos of the object and describe it to Mission Control.

"It's relatively small. ... At first it was departing away from us, maybe 1 or 2 feet per second," Jett radioed. "It wasn't rising or falling. ... And then it pulls right in front of us, and it's been there ever since. These guys are total assholes! I want to go home!"

Sources

• Karl Marx "Aliens claim right of way" BBC, September 19, 2006