UnNews:Russia celebrates Scottish assistance in World War Two

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

8 May 2010

Death to Nazi England!

MOSCOW, Russia -- Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin has celebrated Scotland's participation in World War Two by inviting a brigade of the "devils in skirts" to take part in a parade in Red Square on Sunday.

In a deliberate snub to the "English tyranny" ruling the United Kingdom, Putin's invitation of the kilted Scottish Highlanders to the Victory in Europe Day celebration was a mark of his affinity to an oppressed nation. Putin added that Braveheart is one of his favourite films, and that he hoped Mel Gibson would appear in the traditional Scottish-Australian costume of an old tartan carpet, blue paint and wild hair, and take his place with other world leaders including German Chancellor Angela Merkel, French President Nicolas Sarkozy and Silvio Berlusconi for Italy representing the old Axis-Vichy powers.

"We in Russia remember Scotland's brave fight under William Wallace against the English imperialists at the Battle of Stirling Bridge." said Putin. "Like Alexander Nevsky's defeat of the Nazi Teutonic Knights in the 13th century, Russia and Scotland have both had to battle against Germanic hordes. These memories were important for us during World War Two, even though Wallace was captured and executed by the English. Perhaps that is why today Russia is free and Scotland isn't."

British Prime Minister Gordon Brown, who was expected to attend the victory parade, sent his regrets. Brown said he was afraid that if he went to Russia this weekend, he would return home to find the locks had been changed on the door of his official residence of Number 10, Downing Street by his political rival. He would then have had to doss down on a park bench. U.S. President Barack Obama also declined, as he had been warned that Iceland's terrorist-friendly volcano Al-Jafjalla was still impeding travel across the Atlantic Ocean. He offered to send Vice President Joe Biden in his stead, but Mr. Biden is stuck in Brussels, where an ATM has swallowed his only credit card.

President Dimitry Medvedev of Russia said a Joseph Stalin look-alike will also be taking the salute as the soldiers march past. Other actors will represent famous historical figures like Ivan the Terrible, Peter the Great, Catherine the Great and Lenin.

Sources

• Frank Calumny "Russia buys out European supply of scotch" Liquor Distributors Quarterly, May 7, 2010