UnNews:Obama announces "Obamacare exclusions"

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

26 July 2012

WASHINGTON, D. C. – In an action that critics view as an attempt to strengthen his political base during the final hours of his four-year-long re-election campaign, President Barack Insane Hussein Obama has declared that heterosexuals and Caucasians will be excluded from some provisions of Obamacare coverage. “People of color,” including African-Americans, “will be covered for everything,” the president assured potential constituents in those categories.

The White House (code for Obama) views these exclusions as a means of balancing the “separate and unequal” healthcare that “white racist” society has provided for heterosexuals and whites, on one hand, and “everyone else,” on the other hand.

"White people have received more and better healthcare than blacks, spics, chinks, Japs, Injuns, undocumented aliens, and even Canadian geese in the past," the president claims, “but that's going to change under my healthcare. Under Obamacare, it's whitey and straight people who are going to be left out.”

Abortion and birth control will be provided to Caucasians and heterosexuals “to keep down the birthrate among those populations,” Obama said, noting, “we have an over-population among those groups, anyway.” However, gynecological and obstetric care would, “in most cases,” be available only to non-whites. The president also said that “gays, lesbians, transgender, bisexual, and other fetish groups, sex freaks, and perverts” would be eligible to receive such healthcare, “but probably wouldn't need it.”

Other restrictions apply as well. For example, sickle-cell anemia, which afflicts more blacks than others, would be covered under Obamacare, but Crohn disease, which occurs more often in Caucasians than in other ethnic populations, would not be covered. Healthcare for hypertension, or high blood pressure, which is common among both Asians and Caucasians, would be available to the former, but not for the latter, population.

Asked whether he believed that such exclusions could be hazardous to the health—or even fatal—to members of the excluded populations, Obama responded, “Duh! That's the plan.”

The president said he got the idea for the exclusions from the theory, popular with the Reverend Louis Farrakhan, that whites created the AIDS virus to depopulate the black race. “More of us are on the down-low than men in other population groups.” Obama said. “I myself prefer men to Michelle, but I only came out a few weeks ago, when it was politically expedient to make my true sexual orientation known. As a gay man, I want to do all I can to protect my kind; heterosexuals can fend for themselves, as can whiteys.”

“Isn't 'whitey' a racist term?” Unnews reporter Lotta Lies asked the president.

“Not when a black man says it,” he replied.