UnNews:Las Vegas casinos institute free circumcisions
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
21 March 2007
LAS VEGAS, NV - Las Vegas casinos, in an effort to attract Jewish and Christian men and women, have begun offering a new freebie. Along with, or instead of, free drinks, members of these two faiths will be able to obtain free circumcisions for their male infants on the premises while they wait.
The surgery, which is considered “low-risk” and “minor,” is carried out by an experienced student physician’s assistant who, to be eligible, must be in his or her second semester and have no less than a 2.0 (“C”) grade-point average. A physician will be on call, should his or her services be required to stop blood flow, reattach a penis, or sew up a scrotum that the circumciser inadvertently severs or perforates. The operation is guaranteed to be painless for the parents.
“We thought about including female circumcisions, in the interest of being non-sexist and inclusive, but, from what we have been able to glean, some feminists frown on the removal of a baby girl’s vulva, although they are usually in agreement that it is socially acceptable and non-traumatic to remove infant boys’ foreskins,” Moe Lester, a spokesman for the Excalibur Hotel and Casino told Unnews’ reporter, Lotta Lies. “In fact, one feminist said, ‘Hell, why stop at the foreskin; cut the whole damned thing off.”
The foreskins become the property of the casinos, which sell them to luggage manufacturers such as Samsonite, a practice that, although recent, has already spawned such jokes as, "Rub a Samsonite suitcase, and it turns into a whole set of luggage!"
The gambling industry conceived of free circumcisions as a means of attracting religious men and women to their dens of iniquity when industry analysts realized that the faithful represent a large potential clientele that is currently “underrepresented.” Louis (“Snake”) Manning, an odds maker, said, “Most of the Jews and Christians don’t drink or smoke or even swear, and their wives won’t let them watch the girlie shows. They don’t gamble much, either, but, in time, they might, if we could ever get them to come in off the street. Their faith mandates that they cut their sons’ things, so, we thought, there’s an opportunity: let’s offer free circumcisions.”
The procedure takes approximately 30 minutes, which many Jews and Christians spend in front of slot machines or gaming tables. "They don’t consider their playing a few rounds of blackjack or spinning the slots’ reels ‘gambling.’ To them, they’re just killing time, but it all adds up, and, if any of them has a weakness for gambling, that person’s ours, the Ten Commandments or the cross notwithstanding,” Manning said.
“Just last week, a well-known evangelist, Jimmy Swaggart, who asked to remain anonymous, spent his flock’s annual contributions playing craps and, afterward, got soused and paid a visit to the ladies at the Mustang Ranch,” a bordello (i. e., whorehouse) in nearby Pahrump, Nevada, Manning added. “Most likely, he’ll be back next year--or next week--and he may bring Billy with him.”
Normally, circumcisions, on the average, cost $175 each. “That’s quite a savings to our Jewish and Christian friends,” said Lester.
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- Lotta Lies "Casinos' gamble on circumcision may pay off" Instant News, .986 second ago