UnNews:Journalists falsely accused of misleading the public with takeaways
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Would you like fries with your fast news?
07:55, 24 September 2024 (UTC)
UNNEWS NEWS DESK: Many accusations of journalists twisting news stories for purely political purposes have been lobbed at venerable sources of ongoing news, such as CNN News, ABC News, BBC News, NBC News, CBS News, UNNEWS News, and, yes, even (on rare occasions) FOX News. Here's why such allegations are completely bogus.
- Takeaways: If there is anything you should takeaway from reading this breaking news story, it is the following context-free takeaways. Isolated snippets of timeless wisdom. Starting with this one.
- What to Know: Approximately 49% of the general population lie like rugs. We could say as many as 51% do, but there's an enormous risk that the liars would outnumber us truth-tellers, and that's ultimately bad for democracy.
- In a Nutshell: For the past 7.5 years or so, thousands of such baseless accusations against the mass media have appeared every day from people like you, who are simply way too close to the actual events on which we report.
- Why it Matters: It matters because... because... because we say it does. There, that should cover the "why" aspect. Shall we move on?
- The Big Picture: A recent supersecret poll conducted by a supersecret polling firm, for which we exclusively paid a great deal of money for in order to provide us with the big picture, proves this inescapable fact: No matter how much anybody else wants you to believe otherwise, we professional journalists know exactly what we are doing.
- The Bottom Line: Ordinarily, the bottom line would be found at the bottom, not in the middle. However, what with the ever-shrinking attention span of the typical hey look! a $20-dollar bill!!!
- What's at Stake: Everything is at stake! Everything from your way of life, and, even more importantly, our way of life.
- Between the Lines: Yes, there is no visible text between the lines. That's because it's too small to the naked eye (on the order of 0.001 px or something), and that's why you need journalists like us to whip out our magic microscopes and divine the hidden messages lurking within.
- What It All Means: It means we get to define important words like "freedom" and... uhh... our freedom to adjust the meaning of words as we see fit. After all, any proper dictionary constitutes an ephemeral snapshot of what's left of the English language, and does not constitute a rulebook written in stone. Unless, of course, we say so. Don't worry, we'll keep you informed about this rapidly changing development.
- What We're Hearing: What we're hearing is not good. It's downright abysmal. So abysmal, in fact, that we had to disable our feedback section so we don't have to deal with an avalanche of fingers pointing accusingly at us journalists.
- What You Should Know: Knowledge is power. Power is dangerous in the wrong hands. Therefore, knowledge is dangerous in the wrong hands. Such as your hands. Trust us, we know.
- This is Important Because: Accurate journalism demands complete objectivity, and you can't have complete objectivity if different people come to different conclusions using either the same set of undeniable facts, or an unhealthy mixture of competing facts.
- What Other People are Saying: Actually, we don't give a rat's ass what other people are saying. And neither should you. No matter what they are saying, there is no evidence to support their dubious claims. No evidence whatsoever.
- What We Think You Should Know: Healthy competition may be okay for marginal pursuits such as business or sports, but any and all competition against objective truth (which, by the way, is the truth as we see fit to craft it) must be stamped out with wild abandon. And, after our many years of experience which you lack, we know how best to do that. Not you.
- YOU'RE NOT LISTENING! IT'S TIME YOU STARTED PAYING ATTENTION!: Hey, are you even comprehending the seriousness of any of these talking points??? Stop paying attention to that man behind the curtain!
- Why You Should Pay No Attention to the Man Behind the Curtain: We have it on good authority that the man behind the curtain isn't pulling our strings. And, if you must takeaway just one thing from this new story, remember this: Oz never did give nothing to the Tin Man, the Scarecrow, the Lion, or even Dorothy that they didn't already have.