UnNews:Joe Biden wins 2020 election, but don't tell anybody

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Saturday, November 7, 2020

Joe Biden smile.jpg

Joe Biden wins 2020 election, but don't tell anybody


  • PF4Eva, UnNews head writer

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After four long nights and three long days, and because the real news outlets are unacceptably slow and lazy like the DMV sloths from Zootopia, it's quite ironic that the news division of a satire wiki has to be the one to call it -- Joe Biden has won the 2020 United States Presidential Election™. With Nevada, Georgia and Pennsylvania as his remaining states, Biden pulled in a staggering 306 total electoral votes to secure his future as the 46th President of the United States of America. This is a mathematical fact. So, Fox News beer-gut racists, don't come bitching to me; blame those pesky mathematical numbers and that evil science.

Oh, and did I mention that the Associated Press and even Fox News called Arizona on Tuesday night? And apparently no one else got the memo. Maybe it got rejected due to a signature mismatch, or a couple hanging chads. Maybe it got lost in the mail and that nerdy postman from Christmas Vacation hasn't found it yet. Again, don't blame me. Blame Postmaster General Louis DeJoy.

Biden held a press conference earlier tonight in which he said, "Come on, man! Look here's the deal. I won! 306 electoral votes. This election miniseries is longer than Roots! Hell, even the Rugrats had a quicker election. Cut the malarkey and call the damn race!"

Donald Trump is having none of it. "No way on God's green, young, flat earth are these numbers real. My fingers and toes only go up to 10. 306 is not a real number. Stop the count where my fingers stop -- 10."

Even the cable news hosts are fed up with the shenanigans. "This is a bigger shitshow than the debate," said CNN's Dana Bash just before Biden's speech.

"If this doesn't get over with soon, I'm gonna sing the theme from Shaft," said MSNBC's Chris (not Isaac) Hayes. Unfortunately, the network cut to a commercial just as he sang "They say this cat Shaft is one bad mother--" "Shut your mouth!"

The networks got so bored that they replaced their backgrounds with PornHub.

"I'm so bored," said Anderson Cooper, "I actually would like to listen to a deranged Trump speech right now."

"You know what," said Rachel Maddow defiantly, "I'm just gonna go ahead and say it -- Joe Biden is--"

So when it comes to the news that Joe Biden won the 2020 election, you literally heard it here first, unless you're a Palmer Report regular.

Sunday, November 8, 2020

Finally. The mainstream media has finally gotten their shit together and called the damn race, which they should have done Wednesday. The Associated Press currently scores Biden's victory as 290-214, which is a total of 504 out of 538. Nevertheless, this is the first Presidential election in history to be called by UnNews before any mainstream legitimate news outlet, but that might change retroactively if Palmer Report is ever considered mainstream years from now. Stranger things have happened.

Saturday, November 14, 2020

Every vote has now been counted. The final tally is:

Biden - 306
Trump - 232
Kanye - 0