UnNews:Iranian atomic program peanuts; Bush calls it urgent threat

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

1 September 2006

Bush gives thumbs-up to bombing Iran.

WASHINGTON DC UP (UncycPress) -- Today the International Atomic Energy Agency reported that Iran's uranium enrichment program has produced only a small amount of material, is not capable of producing weapons-grade uranium, is plagued by technological difficulties, and is behind schedule. US President George Bush responded by calling Iran an urgent threat that must be dealt with immediately.

A few international legal experts in The Hague noted that the Nuclear Non-Proliferation Treaty specifically allows nations to do exactly what Iran is doing: enrich uranium for use in power reactors. Iran, they said, has not broken international law.

Bush responded by calling for a Worldwide missile strike on The Hague.

In a speech delivered at the Houston Home for Ancient Republicans, Bush said that Iran must have severe consequences for disobeying the USA, probably more severe than the spankings he used to give Jenna when she disobeyed him. "Lissen," said President Bush, "We -- the USA -- is the decider for what everybody else should do. If, if them other guys defy and disobey the USA then we got to give 'em a good spankin. That's what 'innernational community' means, for gosh sake: everybody does what the USA says!"

After the speech a presenter's microphone accidentally captured a hurried conversation between President Bush and Donald Rumsfeld. This is Uncyc's transcription:

Bush: So the IAEA didn't (unintelligible) bombs?

Rumsfeld: No, nothing much. 5% enrichment max. Ireland has more nuke potential than Iran.

Bush: Fuck it. After the midterm elections we hit 'em anyway.

Rumsfeld: With luck we'll get 2 to 4 million kills in the first wave of nukes.

Bush: So same schedule as Iraq -- beat the war drums all winter and start bombing in the spring.

Rumsfeld: (unintelligible)...missile on Tehran.

Bush: (laughing) Yeah. Remind me to put more into oil stocks, Don. It's going to go through the roof when Iran's burning.

Rumsfeld: (unintelligible)...the whole Middle East. Like a house on fire.

Bush: We're gonna ride this war right into the history books! Fuck Clinton's legacy of peace in Bosnia, we're going to be the ones that conquered the Middle East for America.

Rumsfeld: Heh, for American corporations anyway.

Bush: Yeah. OK, Don, I'm tired of looking at these stupid fucks booing. Let's get out of here and hit the road.

It's now known at this point that the Bush administration will choose to use nuclear when they attack Iran, and the attack is pretty much a done deal. Bush will hit Iran in late March or in April. Of course the Middle East will descend into a general bloodbath, terrorist groups will thrive and multiply, and Russia and China will be hanging around to pick up the pieces. We know, it doesn't sound like a recipe for American success, but it's Bush's recipe.

Sources

• nuqDaq 'oH puchpae' (Where is the bathroom?) "Klingon Empire supports Ireland" Galactic Conquest Magazine, September 1, 2006