UnNews:Hydrogen claims Rule over Universe: Chemical Warfare ensues
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
20 September 2007
PERIODIC TABLE, KANSAS - In a dramatic move earlier today the element Hydrogen claimed the position of Supreme Ruler of the Universe. "Well," said Hydrogen, to a full courtroom, "I'm top of the Periodic Table every year. I mean, I'm Number 1. All of you in this room were created by me. And then there's the small matter of my making up about 90% of the weight of the universe. Come on, how can you challenge that?" Hydrogen closed by pointing out that if anyone disagreed, he was sure the dispute could be settled by the considered deployment of a hydrogen bomb or two.
However, several other elements had something to say on the matter; first Gold, then Silver, and finally Bronze. Potassium reacted violently to Hydrogen's suggestions, claiming that the position should undeniably go to a member of the Metal family, and Lithium then snuck in, pointing out that as the least dense of the Metals, he would surely be the most suited to Rule, citing his superior intellect as reason enough. However, Lithium's grey complexion is likely to prove unappealing to the general public should an election become necessary.
As could be expected, Carbon strongly debated Hydrogen's claims. "But I form the basis of all life!" shouted the C-atom. "Without me, there'd be nothing to Rule over!" However, at this point in proceedings a couple of burly Oxygen atoms entered, grabbed Carbon and escorted him from the room, and any more of Carbon's protestations were wasted on the jury.
The Noble Gases, although reluctant to react as the other elements had, shed light on the situation by suggesting that their leader, Helium, second in the Periodic Table and well-known to constitute the other 10% of matter not accounted for by Hydrogen, would make a good Ruler by applying the arguably childish argument, "First the worst, Second the Best". The jury took this point into consideration.
Proceedings came to an unexpected close when Hydrogen, under a great amount of pressure from the opposing elements, underwent a nuclear fusion reaction, becoming a Helium atom and at the same time releasing such a huge amount of energy that the courtroom was instantly incinerated.
The important debate of which element is to become Supreme Ruler of the Universe is therefore temporarily put on hold, seeing as all known elements were destroyed in the explosion, and as a result any remaining contenders are yet to be discovered. The chronicler will inform you of any further developments.
