UnNews:Genius child creates feline-killing toy

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

2 February 2010

Poor kitty, about to have the life crushed out of her.

WANDA, Michigan -- First grader Ron Popeil has been called a prodigy and a genius by those professionals who've tested and interacted with him. His mother Kate told UnNews, "We noticed from about 8 months that Ronny was picking up words very quickly, and had started spontaneously spelling, counting and inventing interesting variants on curse phrases. I'll never forget the first time he called his brother Teddy a "toe-biting, malodorous scavenger beast with vestigial tentacles dangling from his testes." It was his father who noticed a bit of a mean streak in him."

Mean streak indeed, say surviving teachers of the Wanda Regional Middle School. "I remember his second day of third grade," says Vice-principal Drusilla Macabre of the middle school. "The little scamp came waltzing into class tugging a wagon full of car batteries behind him and some pieces of metal and wiring. I called the name of the pupil sitting in front of him, and heard a shriek like something from Hell itself. He'd electrocuted the little fellow right before our eyes! Of course, Ronny was not incarcerated due to his tender age."

Now aged 8, he's invented a whole new class of sinister devices, and demonstrates their use on his web site for all who have the stomach for it. Ronnys latest monstrosity is a sort of booby trap for house cats. Disguised as an animated, friendly stuffed animal, this machine (constructed from Lego components and a microcomputer) lures kitties into playing with it. When the opportunity presents itself, the robot furry traps the victim in it's "mouth", causing death by suffocation and crush injuries.

Sources

• Luigi Vercotti "A serial killer in the making" Detroit Union Press, February 2, 2010