UnNews:2013 UnNews Review: May

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

17 December 2013

With friends like these.

May was a difficult month for the US. It began with the revelation that early settlers resorted to cannibalism, with some suggesting modern day American citizens should follow suit.

The fallout of two hideous crimes brought itself to bear on the nation's consciousness: in Boston, locals demanded that the marathon bomber's dead body be mutilated and, further south west, Ariel Castro's basement abductees broke America's hearts by attempting to check Myspace upon their release in 2013].

The showbiz story of the month was undoubtedly the loss of Angelina Jolie's breasts to cancer. News sources dutifully cut all pictures of the mammaries out of the pictures they used in the corresponding article but Jennifer Anniston could not resist flashing her own charlies in response. A distant second was George Michael's latest car accident, which led the singer to he was a David Cronenburg style crash-sex pervert.

May in Europe was marked by confusing acts of political violence. In London, a muslim allowed himself to be filmed killing a muslim in an apparent protest of muslims treatment of muslims around the world and, in France, the Hunchback of Notre Dame killed himself in protest at gay marriage. A protest of a different on the same issue came from Lord Tebbit, who declared that he planned to marry his son (despite also having feelings for his brother) and inseminate a future queen of England.

Further afield, New Zealand banned its citizens from shouting 'Lucifer' during anal and the UN sought to end world poverty by bullying starving children into eating bugs.

The world of sport held two surprises - the first that Tiger Woods does not like fried chicken. Woods is keen to avoid racial stereotyping, a goal which was not aided by his rather clichéd taste for white blondes. More amateurish in every sense was the man who tried to dribble a football from Canada to Mexico and was promptly hit by a car in his hometown.