UnNews:George Michael denies being Crash pervert
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
19 May 2013
Singer George Michael has denied being a sexual pervert who becomes aroused by the sight of car accidents, and claims his crash on the M1 yesterday was entirely accidental.
Early reports suggested that the former Wham! star had been arrested in a sting operation in which police simulated the scene of a car accident to lure unsuspecting mechanophiles (a form of sexual delinquent first brought to the world's attention by the 1996 movie Crash).
Some news sources claimed that Michael was so aroused by the pile-up which he believed he was seeing that he began masturbating and lost control of his own vehicle.
Officer Marcelo Rodríguez told us, "It was a horrific scene inside the front of his car, there was semen all over the air bag, which was customised and shaped like a man's bottom. I didn't like it. At all. If he says that I liked it, or that I scooped any of it up, that's a lie. I will sue. It's a definite lie."
However, the singer, whose real name is Georgio Cypriot Humus Estephanopopolpopololous, released a statement through his press officer, stating: "These charges are completely fabricated. I do not have, nor have I ever had, any interest in driving past car accidents and squeezing out the tzatziki.
"I would like to make it clear to all my fans that I am not interested in mecanophilia, nor any other kind of paraphilia, I am strictly into anonymous sex in parks and taking drugs. I'm like a male version of Lindsey Lohan.
"I would like to move on from this incident as quickly, and with as much dignity as possible. Incidentally, my new single Let's Go Roadside will be out at the end of May."
Moments after the statement was released, a snippet of the song's lyrics was posted on Michael's website.
I think I'm done with the Rover
I think I'm done with the Porsche
I think I'm done with the brake cables, baby
Let's Go Roadside (let's go roadside)
On the A5
You know you want to but you can't say yes.
Sources[edit | edit source]
- Leverage "George Michael injured in M1 crash" BBC, May 19, 2013
- "George Michael arrested over `lewd act'" Independent, April 9, 1998