Hummus
Hummus was the name of a barbershop quartet dating back to Ancient Rome. Its name was derived from the prefix "to hum" and the suffix "us," being a group of tone-deaf nerds who actually thought they sounded entertaining, not very much unlike Oasis.
Alternate History[edit | edit source]
Modern Israel is paradise indeed (the ideal retirement and vacation getaway!), however it suffers a hellish lack of culinary delights. Home to endless bizarre immigrants and refugees who arrive daily, devoid of any common sense (as shown by the mere fact that they come to live in Israel!!), penniless, downtrodden and depraved, Israel had to develop a new and unique system of nourishment, trying desperately to cater to the insane mixture of its highly famished and ever growing and growling population.
Taking a cue from Gandhi, the Jews pronounced: 'chickpeas'! The chickpeas or garbanzo beans were then processed by neighboring Arab tribes into the infamous HUMMUS (pronounce hoo-moos in Hebrew, for he who moos)!
Originally a small neglected tribe of round and mushy beans (also known as Garbanzos), who made their living (and preferably leaving...) by causing terrorised Philistines, Ashurites, Sumerian and ancient Hebrews to escape rapidly crowded tents after having a nightly feast of the Garbanzos, they matured into a golden ball the size of a Lima bean, joining forces with the awesome Sesame tribe of Saudi Arabian nights and changing their name to "KHUMUS & TEHINAH". They also developed an amazingly complicated technique of enticing Israelis to use their special dish services and be enslaved forever! The Grand KHUMU would lie down in a deep plate, disguise himself as a light brownish kaka looking paste, cover himself with a few round, seemingly harmless Khumus (mighty soldiers of the Diarrhea, carrying their secret weapon, the Farting Spear of Intestines!), put on top a slouchy oozy yellowish semi-thick Tehinah (known as Tahini to western health nuts), spread generous shreds of Parsley (an alien warrior sect from the planet Corriander) and a few drops of lemon mixed with Garlic (another alien stinking rotten fathermuckers...) and tempt innocent Israelis into devouring it, using the moron minded Pita Bread slices in a unique rotating spin called "LENAGEV".
The satisfied diners proceed usually with their daily duties and hardships, slowly realizing that their belly storm is a rapidly dispersing instrument, rendering them highly dangerous to humans in a diameter of 240 yards. A Bar Mitzvah celebration in Tel Aviv on a warm spring evening, serving 326 dishes of KHUMUS & TEHINAH, is known to have caused terrorised citizens in Jerusalem to escape screaming to Eilat, withholding their breath for a 17 minutes world unbreakable record!!! Nowadays Israel has actually been conquered by The Magnificent KHUMUS and is now seriously considering joining the dark and evil warriors of FART-VADER!!!
The best way to forget all about the Problems of Un-Balanced Gazes from your Tummy is a Rosh. Inhaled just a few minutes after the Humus Meal, one or two Roshes can cause a relaxed and satteld digestion followed by nice Humus Smelling Greptsim with smoke.
Hummus of Akko[edit | edit source]
Akko, one of Israel's newest cities, having never been inhabited throughout history, has rapidly become Israel's HUMMUS MECCA. oh yes. They serve hummus with gargarim (unmashed garbanzos) which they call Mashawsha in the south or Mesabekha in the north (a Hebrew term that somehow only the local Arabs are familiar with, no one knows why), with ground beef or with mushrooms. Since Akko is new and bourgeouis, yuppified to the hilt, it's not really worth visiting, but damn can those Jews whip up some hummus!
Hummus Recipes Declared State Secret[edit | edit source]
Declaring Hummus recipes a state secret yesterday, top Mossad officials announced the true origins of the tasty paste: no less than Abraham and Sarah, the first Jews, invented hummus! Yes, as a matter of fact, before Isaac was almost sacrificed, he had the first last supper which consisted of fresh hummus, tomatoes and cucumbers in a stone ground pita.