UnNews:NZ outlaws shouting 'Lucifer' during anal
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
3 May 2013
The government in New Zealand has passed a law forbidding its citizens from crying the name of Lucifer during the act of anal sex.
Officials were said to be concerned that more and more Kiwis were combining a love for the dark arts and the brown hole, and evoking the name of Satan when sunk balls-deep inside what D.H. Lawrence called "the darkest, deepest, strangest life-source of the human body, at the back and base of the loins."
Stephen Fleming, the Home Minister, said, "The fect of the metter is thet we don't know exectly whut uffect so many people saying the duvil's name ut the same time wull huve, uspecially guven that they are ungaged un a sunful act of sodomy while they are doing it."
Professor of sociology Joanna Corey explained, "I think it's a progressive idea. There's nothing wrong with anal sex - we all do it. And there's nothing wrong with saying Lucifer's name a lot - we all do it. But the combination of the two, especially right in the heart of middle earth, could have catastrophic consequences for us all."
However, not all local ideas are so taken with the idea. Chris Cairns, 39, from Auckland, told us, "Thus is un unfrungement of our human rights. After my first child Mafia No Fear wus born, my wife and I hud a turrible sex life. Thun one friend suggested huving anal sex while shouting out the duvil's name, and wu've nuver looked back. Well, my wife looks back whun I say it, but I mean fuguratively."
More worryingly, Satan emailed UnNews (he still has a Hotmail address!) to express his dismay. "In theory, this kind of kinky shit should be right up my street, but the fact is, every time I hear a New Zealander speaking it makes me toes curl. If I could choose, I'd only let black preachers and really old English dudes say my name, they know how to sass it."
Sources[edit | edit source]
- Leverage, "Lucifer, Anal and Mafia No Fear: The astonishing names which New Zealand parents wanted to give to their newborn babies" Daily Mail, May 02, 2013
- Link 3 on this page provided listeners with a New Zealander's pronunciation of "anal sex". This link is no longer active, and sadly wasn't archived.