UnNews:Lord Tebbit to marry son and inseminate queen
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
22 May 2013
Tory Lord Norman Tebbit caused considerable surprise in the United Kingdom yesterday, by declaring that he planned to marry his son (despite also having feelings for his brother) and inseminate a future queen of England.
The former party chairman’s extraordinary announcement emerged after Prime Minister David Cameron was forced to rely on Labour support to pass same-sex wedding bills.
Lord Tebbit said the plans would open up new possibilites for sexual deviants in Britain, declaring: "Maybe I’d be allowed to marry my son." Tebbit admitted in the interview that he had had "special, loving feelings" for his son for some time, and that, in the last few years, the relationship had turned sexual, "more or less since he became legal."
The Conservative Party in Britain has long had internal struggles, with some factions favouring a traditional Christian attitude to sex and marriage, while others advocated a sexual free-for-all, and were occasionally found dead in women's lingerie with tangerines in their mouths.
Tebbit, a surprise new mouthpiece for the latter faction, questioned the existing orthodoxy: "Why shouldn’t a mother marry her daughter? Why shouldn’t two elderly sisters living together marry each other? I quite fancy my brother!" When questioned further about his feelings for his brother, Tebbit admitted that it problematised the relationship with his son, but he went on to describe the latter relationship as "love" while the former was merely "lust".
However, Lord Tebbit shows no signs of mellowing with age, despite his matrimonial plans. When asked about the possibility of a lesbian member of the royal family, the 73 year old's eyes widened and swiveled, and he gasped, "When we have a queen who is a lesbian and she marries another lady and then decides she would like to have a child... if, let's say someone donates sperm and she gives birth to a child... is that child heir to the throne?
"Just imagine that, a little Tebbit as Prince of Wales, with his Lesbian mothers on the one hand and his father, uncle and cousin in a weird gay sex triangle on the other.
"This is what Britain needs to make it great again."