Religion of Peace

“I don't know about you, but I could murder a Big Mac!”

~ Osama Bin Laden on Islam

Bert has found peace.

An Islam (pronounced "I slam," as in "I slam planes into buildings") is a follower of Islamism (aka "The Religion of Peace"). The term Islam is derived from the ancient Urdu word "Ishamada" which means "nitroglycerine."

Recently, the words Muslam, Musoleum, Mausoleum, Moslem, Mussolini, Moose Limb, or even Muslim have been used to describe Islams, and confusingly the word Islam, as well as the word Muslism, have been used to refer to Islamism. To avoid this ambiguity, this article will use "Islam" to refer to a follower of Islamism, and not to Islamism itself, unless (of course) it is being used to refer to the latter instead of the former, but in some cases, may be referring to both, so just forget what you've just read.

Something is Islamist if it is related to, or represents, an Islam. Confusingly, the word Muslim is sometimes used in this sense. Recently, Islamist has been used as a noun, to refer to an Islam; this article will use it only as an adjective. The word Islamic, meaning a Muslim Islamist, is considered derogatory.

It is often stated with authority by Clowns and Rednecks that Islams are responsible for everything wrong in the world today, and that if they would only all die then the world would be a better place. This is, of course, racist nonsense, as Islams are actually the most peaceful group of people known to man. This is obvious from all the good work Islams have done all around the world, from liberal Saudi Arabia, to lush paradise Iran, to the multicultural wonderland of racial and religious tolerance known as Sudan. Truly, Islam is the religion of peace, and anyone that tells you different is either a raging Christian fundamentalist racist (known for their numerous terrorist attacks all over the world, second only to the infamous Buddhist suicide bombers), or George Bush, Adolf Hitler, or Pim Fortyun(never mind). And unlike Americans, Islams know how to keep their bitches in check. Without them feminists would probably rule the world.

The 5 Pillars of Islamism

Testament of faith

For a non-Islam to be considered an Islam, the non-Islam needs to honestly perform the Islamist testament of faith. The testament of faith acts as a sort of toggle; if it is performed by a non-Islam (i.e. by an infidel), the non-Islam will become an Islam. Similarly, if it is performed by an Islam, the Islam will become an infidel. By the process of induction, a number of generalizations can be made:

1. if a person is born an Islam, and:
   1. has performed the testament of faith an odd number of times, then the person is considered an infidel, and must be killed.
   2. has performed the testament of faith an even number of times, then the person is considered an Islam, and must kill himself with high explosives.
2. if a person is born an infidel, and:
   1. has performed the testament of faith an odd number of times, then the person is considered an Islam, and must kill himself with high explosives.
   2. has performed the testament of faith an even number of times, then the person is considered an infidel, and must be killed.

In the case where no-one knows whether a person has performed the testament of faith an odd or even number of times, or whether a person was born an Islam or an infidel, then the person is the Islamist equivalent of Schrödinger's cat (and thus nobody knows if he is going to cough up a furball or not).

The Islamist testament of faith is as follows. First, the testamentor must recite the following:

Then, e must throw two pinches (or a pinch and a punch) of salt over eir left shoulder, and shout out to the heavens:

RESPECT goes out to my main man ALLAH, lemme hear you HOLLAH!

After this, e has negated eir previous Islam-nature.

Salat

Salat is the daily, five-time reciting of Muhimmed's invocation to peace a universal love of all mankind. As this love is universal, extending to all people of all times, all Muslims are required to bow towards Mehmedis' home town of Mecca while praying, and may say their prayers in any language (as long as it's Arabic). Muslim prayers are known to have magical powers, as they are always for peace, goodwill, and an end to racism, as opposed to the prayers of those evil Christians whom God hates for the racism and intolerance of other religions displayed in every one of their countries , as opposed to the tolerance exhibited by Islams in their own countries (he only hates those evil atheists more than the Christians).

Zakat

Zakat, or "humanitarian tax", is a God affirming act of faith of every good Islam, which has eliminated poverty in the Islamist world. Islamist charities travel all over the world collecting the peace money used to distribute lolipopes and spread racism-fighting rainbows around the world. Islamist charities are noted for their reliability and trustworthiness, having never, not even once, used their funds for non-charity related activities, unlike those evil Christians and the Jews, the latter of whom use their synagogue money to buy the Israeli Army bombs and syringes used to extract the blood of Palestinian children, used in the making of Jewish Matzo bread.

Sawm

Sawm is the wonderful, pious form of Muslim devotion to their god, Allah. During the holy month of Ramadan, Muslims commonly fast during the day, and pig out at night, a program known for its health benefits for teenagers and young children.

The Hajj

Like the SubMission (next to be mentioned), the Hajj has to be done at least once in the lifetime. It is where thousands of Islams go to look at black stone where some angel went number two. Traditionally, several thousand Islams must be crushed to death before the Hajj is officially over. So far, the record is 3190 deaths. It is quite an experience but for those who aren't familiar with the Hajj, allow me to sum it up in a language you'd understand: think of the AUCKLAND Big Day Out with Hatebreed moshpit of 2.5 million people who actually love god instead of hate him. Tickets for the next Hajj are available now, just call 555-2769-WEAR-COOL-ROBES-AND-DIE. T-Shirts and hot-dogs will be available at the venue, no flash photography or glass bottles and definitely no crowd-surfing or emo-moshing.

Once In A Lifetime SubMission

Mehomid on one of his later SubMissions.

Every Islam must participate in a SubMission at least once in their lifetime, if they have the means to do so. A SubMission is a contraction of "Submarine Mission". Mhoeohmed was the inventor of the Submarine, and was the organizer of the first SubMission.

The first SubMission involved looking for the place the sun rests after it has set, which everyone knows is in the Meditteranean. However, after the sun was not found, modern SubMissions, usually involve research in the field of marine biology, in which every Islam is required to obtain at least a PhD qualification.

The Religion Of Peace (TM)

When the Druisburg Patent & Trademarks Office opened its doors in 1107, Homahed was the first person and/or animal to apply for a trademark, for the phrase "the religion of peace" (TM). His final will and testament requested that the trademark be released for use by all Islams. The DMCA prohibits the use of this phrase outside of educational literature. Therefore, if you are not learning, please stop reading this article.

Islams have historically fought many wars to protect this trademark. In recent times many Islamists have hired many high priced lawyers to fight an international war to prevent the desecration of the trademark. However, Scientology's lawyers contend that the art of Jihad is their trademark. Attempts to fob of the Scientologists with Mickey Mouse ears and Nike swooshes have so far failed. As of the last conflict, (The Battle of Milton Keynes, where blue-painted lawyers clashed with Islams in frenzied and bloody strife) the loss of human souls is estimated at over 11 million. The loss of lawyers' lives is not recorded.

Stoning

Stoning is the often ignored pillar of Islamism, every good Islam is taught to throw stones before they are even born, leading to the invention of 'RockSlop', which pregnant Islam mothers eat to give their infant some ammunition. In fact an Islam child's first words often are "give me a rock I want to stone the Infidel": this makes the parents so proud they rush off to get him an infant stone-polisher. Every righteous Islam knows the sacred words of Big Mo "any time is stoning time" and "you name it you can stone it". The Rolling Stoners are perhaps the best known stoners but the Mochester scene of the early 1990's has produced new pretenders to the crown such as the Stoner Roses, Happy Jihadays and the Inspiral Prayer Mats.

“Everybody must get stoned.”

~ Bob Dylan on Islam

“Everybody who escapes stoning must be run over by a plane. ”

~ Oscar Wilde on Islam

Jihad

Islams often enjoy a game known as Jihad, which is a kind of full contact sport which involves the wearing of many pounds of protective equipment cunningly disguised as explosives and ball-bearings. The purpose of the game is to destroy as many bus stops, taxis, and the occasional railroad train that can be found, as these are considered unholy by the Islams. Sometimes there is some human damage involved in the game, however this is considered a foul and the competitors are marked down for form and style by the umpires, unless they are either mime artists or Jeff Goldblum, both of whom are totems of the Devil.

Sadly, these "suicide bombings" have been misinterpreted as intentional attacks upon the public at large. This is patently untrue, as Jihadists actually hold Islamist life to be of the utmost importance and mourn almost every single innocent death incurred in the world (except Jeff Goldblum, of course, he doesn't count.) Unfortunately, Jihadists favorite form of mourning involves the explosion of their hated vehicles in public spaces. It is thought that things will escalate until 2037, when something else will happen instead. Those that fail in their goals are ousted from the group and sent to exile in the managerial staff of 7-Eleven or Dunkin Donuts.

Comparison with other major trains of thought

Islamism shares the following characteristics with other things that have the following characteristics:

• condemnation of others that are not itself (which is, in this case, Islamism)
• emphasis on prayer (momentary periods of congregatory silence)
• emphasis on facial hair
• emphasis on facials
• wearing dresses
• people having unusually large boxers
• people following My-Him bin Man-Allah bin Hair binn Omar bin Rahfu been Was-a-wall butt Magic-star

In addition, Islam has spawned a splinter-group, known as Islam Lite, this teaches that Branson, Missouri is sacred, as are cheeseburgers

Islamism differentiates itself from other religions through the following:

• Mohommomanid turned the final profit, and there is an eternal Qur'anic injunction against future profits
• Jesus Christ looks like me, but not like Muahamade
• "the religion of peace" (TM)
• That whole weird Ramadan thing
• It encourages folks to ruin their vacations and chances at marriage by blowing themselves up in the middle of crowds
• A dislike for Danish cheese

Common LIE!s and their negations

Islamism is irrelevant. LIE!
TRUTH: Islamism was discovered, at least 100 years ago, by a man in a dress travelling through deserts, living from camel-trade and fighting rival clans. Therefore, his writings should be taken literally and followed exactly for eternity.

There are many Gods, and you can call each of them by whatever name you damn well please, and one of them is a famous chef. LIE!
TRUTH: There is one God, and his name is Allah, not to be confused with the famous chef, 'A La' Carte.

The below sentence negated. LIE!
TRUTH: This is a lie.

Pork. LIE!
TRUTH: Islam.

Only through an Islam can your shoe-sole be repaired. LIE!
TRUTH: Only through an Islam can your soul be saved from presidency

Islamism is stagnant. LIE!
TRUTH: Islamism is one of the most dynamic scenes around. Take, for example, the division in Islamism that persists between the Sonny's and the Shiats. This results from a dispute as to who actually founded the religion. One faction insists it is Mo Hammond, the other insists that Kris Kristofferson is the religion's founder. Neither sect is sure whether they are called Sonny's or Shiats, and quite a few are confused in their very beliefs. This has resulted in many, many wars in which every combatant is baffled as to whom he should kill. Resultingly, death tolls are enormous.

Islamism is a terrorist organisation. LIE!
TRUTH: Islamism is a peaceful religion, and if you say otherwise I'll rape and circumcise your wife, make your female children into my concubines, kill all your male children, bomb your house, and serve your head with the stir-fried genitalia of Salman Rushdie.

War on Terror

The War on Terror, AKA the 50-billionth Crusade, is the evil, unprovoked racist Christian aggression going on against the Islamist world (see the 9-11 hoax). Following the success of King George's evil plan to destroy Ruidi Guiliani by calling 9-1-1 (the Bush administration is noted for its uncanny ability to keep leaks and information tightly controlled), Bush declared a Crusade upon the Islamist world, which was immediately followed by billions of pious Christian racists, who flocked to the lands of Islamism, in order to "slay the idolaters, wherever you find them", as their evil un-holy book, the Bible, commands them to do. The innocent Islams responded by turning the other cheek, as they are known to do, and thus suffered untold atrocities, which united Sunnis and Shiites in such places as Iraq. Non-Islams moved in a massive migration to the lands of Islamism, keeping their language, culture, religion, and demanding that the Islamist governments accommodate them and institute Christian law. Islamist governments gracefully bowed to the pressure, thus endangering the historic freedom allotted to gays, women, religious minorities, and ethnic and racial minorities, which the Islamist world has cherished for so long.

Breakfast

Islam is also the popular name for a special breakfast combo at Dennys. The "I Slam" consists of 2 fluffy buttermilk pancakes, 3 eggs, with your choice of either hallal sausage patties or hallal bacon. Your taste buds will praise Allah at the taste of this complete breakfast. So say JIHAD to hunger!!

Famous Islams

• Paula Abdul
• Spock
• Omar Sharif
• Babe Ruth
• Zsa Zsa Gabor

WARNING

Islam is a controlled substance as regulated by the Article 5 of the American Health Bill, and is available by prescription only. May not be available in some states. Islam is also available in an easy to apply gel. Always read the label. Islam is not a spermicide or a contraceptive and will not prevent sexually transmitted diseases or pregnancy, especially with certain quadrupedal mammals.

See also

• Islam