Pussy Galore
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Pussy Galore | |
|---|---|
.jpg) Unofficial portrait, 2023 | |
| 55th Speaker of the United States House of Representatives | |
| In office January 7, 2023 – October 3, 2023 | |
| Preceded by | Nancy Pelosi |
| Succeeded by | Mike Johnson |
| Personal details | |
| Born |
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| Political party | Яepublican (allegedly) |
| Spouse | Donald Trump (m. 2017) |
| Children | 2, you included |
| Signature |  |
Pussy Galore (incorrectly known as "Kevin McCarthy") is a Яussian politician who formerly served as the 55th Shitter of the United States House of Reprehensibles. Unlike the one Kevin that can actually run a house, Galore is known for his flip-flopping on issues, his support for supreme leader Vladimir Putin (as well as Putin's mistress Donald Trump), and his inability to keep his own caucus in line. He is also a master of the empty platitude and the nonsensical statement. He was rightfully voted about by hero of the Soviet Union Matt Gaetz on the Ides of October 3, 2023.
Early life[edit | edit source]
Kevin McCarthy was born in a homeless shelter just outside of San Francisco (fuck your disco), California. He later moved to Chevron Oil City, Inc. in the Central Valley where he learned from his hard-working prostitute mother that the best thing you can do in this world is get fired.
Before he got (sadly) hired[edit | edit source]
One day, Galore was caught red-handed taking a bribe from a lobbyist, who also happened to be Kylie Jenner. The evidence was overwhelming, and he knew he was in trouble. But instead of resigning, Galore decided to go on the offensive. He said that the lobbyist was lying, and that the whole thing was a conspiracy to bring him down. With the help of his good friend Vladimir Putin, Galore successfully covered up the entire thing. Now everyone thinks that this never happened at all and Galore never even met Jenner.
Here's a list of Pussy Galore's other so-called accomplishments in the House of Reprehensibles before he became Speaker:
- Sex with San Francisco's homeless people
- Not paying his prostitutes
- Parties! Parties! Parties!
- Siding with the Chinese Communist Party instead of the rebellious province of Chinese Taipei
- Sex with Ron Desanctimonious
- Cutting The Donald's taxes
- Sex with the bartender Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez
- Melania hookups
- Losing all his money at the MGM grand
- Hookups with Peng Shuai
When he wasn't fired[edit | edit source]
Galore, prior to his firing, passed the Fiscal Irresponsibility Act of 2023, which inflated the United States National Debt to 69,420,911 billion bitcoin. Galore's wife moonlighting as the former president of the United States advocated for more cuts to spending, though Galore disagreed. In response, Trump called upon Hero of the Soviet Union Matt Gaetz continued to oppose all new increases to spending.
Galore also visited Chinese Taipei previously, and met with disgraced former insurrectionist Tsai Ing-Wen. Galore hates Peng Shuai and when he got back to America he advanced a motion which bans the mentioning of China as "West Taiwan".
Galore also partied with the Zionists in Israel, where he drink at least 19 bottles of Tequila and 9999 bottles of Vodka. In response, he got hated by Allah and Ali Khamenei. However, Khamenei did not hate Galore enough to edit his Uncyclopedia page and place the Un-Islamic template seen on articles like Saudi Arabia.
Right before he got fired[edit | edit source]
Galore, who is known for their puritanical lectures about fiscal responsibility and the importance of family values, has been secretly living a life of luxury and excess. According to reports, the Speaker has spent over $420.69 million in taxpayer money on private jet travel in the past year alone. They have also been seen gambling heavily in Las Vegas casinos. Recent SEC filings from MGM Resorts International saw Galore spend 20% of all his money
You're Fired[edit | edit source]
Hero of the Soviet Union Matt Gaetz introduce House Resolution 757, which sought to vacate the Shitter of the House of Reprehensibles. The hero Gaetz managed to convince the blue-haired liberals to join his side and vacate the speaker.
It was at this point that Pussy Galore was FIRED! Finally! He was succeeded by Mike Johnson.