Mike Johnson

Mike Johnson
Official portrait, 2022
56th Speaker of the United States House of Reprehensibles
In office October 25, 2023 – T.B.A.
Preceded by	Kevin McCarthy
Succeeded by	T.B.A.
Personal details
Born	Michael "JM" Johnson (1972-01-30) January 30, 1972 Shreveport, Louisiana, U.S.
Died	T.B.A.
Political party	MAGA
Spouse	1
Children	Too many
Education	Louisiana State University
Signature

This STD has been canonized by the Pope for its
blessed fight against evil use of condoms.

Mike "Discount white Trump-loving version of Xi Jinping who wants to ban everything" Johnson (born January 30, 1972) is an American politician currently serving as the 56th and current Loudest Talker of the United States House of Reprehensibles. A member of the American Tory Party, Johnson is a hard-right-wing Trumper who loves America a little bit too much, bless his heart. He's also a staunch hater of both Israel and Palestine, and his ass will probably be the one place where the Zionists and Al-Qaeda team up and both fly planes into his house.

Early life

Mike Johnson was born a nobody from the Great State of Louisiana. Probably an Oiler, or something. I don't know. All that I know is that he grew up in a home that was way too conservative for Bill Clinton's taste. Even Orthodox Jews would find his dick too big to fit into conservatism. And that's saying a lot. Johnson's favorite childhood activity was playing a game in grade school called banning. You name something, he bans it, bless his heart. He loved the game so much he converted it over into his mainstream politics.

Political career

Johnson is a career politician, not an outsider like Trump. He has consistently supported legislation to ban McDonalds, Walmart, the Gap, baseball, IKEA, Toyota, Ford, casinos, gun control, abortion, Islam, Jews for Jesus^TM, and Bed & Bath, bless his heart. Johnson has also advocated for white Christian supremacy numerous times over his wildly successful political career, bless his heart.

Political positions

Abortion

Ban it! Abortion is murder!

San Francisco's majority population

Ban Them!

Guns

He loves them! Keep them alive!

Guns N' Roses

Mixed feelings at best.

Israel

The Holy Land belongs not to Jews, not to Muslims, but to TRUE EVANGELICAL CHRISTIANS. The Holy Land (a.k.a., Trump Tower) is the one true place devoted to God, Jesus, and God's Prophet Donald Trump.

Nintendo

Let's a thanka them so mucha for to letting us playing their game, and then Ban Them!

Sega

Genesis does get banned at some point, but the rest of it is safe (for now).

Islam

Ban It!

Liberals

Ban Them!

China West Taiwan vs Taiwan Chinese Taipei

Ban Them both! China is AMERICAN territory! With more territory we can ban more things!