Nicolas Cage

Nicolas Cage is real happy about his career.

“How'd it get burned?! How'd it get burned?! HOW'D IT GET BURNED HOW'D IT GET BURNED, HOW'D IT GET BURRRRNNED AWUAHHEEEEKLUTHWEWEBRRRR”

~ Nicolas Cage in response to something or other

“He can get very disturbed. The other day, Nicky boy ended up with his britches on fire & burned his dick off!”

~ Sam Elliot on Nicolas Cage

Nicolas Cage (born Nicoloso Cagrissi Corleone; January 7, 1964) is an American actor and former mafia thug with a receding hairline. He was born to his identical twin mother, Johnny Cage and his identical twin cat, Faraday's Cage. His performance in Deadfall is considered one of the funniest things to ever exist, and amazingly didn’t end his career. Two years later he won an Academy Award for playing a suicidal alcoholic in the film Leaving Las Vegas, but has since admitted that he was unaware that he was being filmed for a movie at the time. He is often known by aliens and real human beings alike as the worst actor of all time. His ability to "not-act-at-all-due-to-the-fact-that-he-is-fucking-stupid," as his manager calls it, has won him many awards in both real life and the fake. Many people in modern society actually watch his movies even though it has been scientifically proven to lower one's IQ (but increase one's testosterone levels by 1000%).

Biography

Early Life

Nicolas Cage with a panty on his head

Nicolas Cage, born Nicoloso Cagrissi Corleone, was born January 7, 1964 in New York City. His father, Michael Corleone had hopes of bringing young Nicoloso up to be his successor as head of the Corleone crime family. However, his mother, Kay Adams Corleone wanted no such life for her son, so she put him in a basket and sent him down the Hudson River when he was only a year old. Little is known about what became of him for the next fifteen years, but it has been suggested by some that he was involved in a bizarre love/fetish affair with a boy named "Birdy" Modine. At the age of 16, in a strange twist of fate, Nicoloso found work in the lower ranks of the Corleone family doing "odd jobs". According to police records, his crimes during this period included robbing convenience stores, harassing Cher, and killing 32 year old Bobby Ray Lemon with his bare hands.

At the age of 17, he developed a fascination with movies. He particularly liked the films of James Cagney and Edward G. Robinson. It was this fascination that would both ruin his youth and shape his adult life. At the age of 18, while watching the film Little Caesar, he shot everyone in the theater including himself. He was put into a coma from the injury, but he was nonetheless the only survivor of the incident. Three months later, after waking, he was sentenced to life in prison at Alcatraz.

Redemption

Nicoloso's mugshot

While in prison, Nicoloso (who had now changed his name to Nicolas Cage) met Sean Connery who had locked himself up for the last 5 years "jusht for the experiensh". The two became fast friends and planned a daring escape from Alcatraz Island. Against all odds, the pair killed a dozen guards with their bare hands and sailed to shore on a bar of soap. Upon arriving in San Francisco, Cage began writing a film script based on their escape. A month after he had started it, Nicolas finished the final draft of his script, titled "How me and Sean Connery Escaped from a Big Fuckin' Rock". Connery was so impressed by the script that he decided to pay for the entire production out of his own pocket (which is pretty damn big) and hired who he calls "the besht fuckin' movie director thish shide of Marsh", Michael Bay, to direct it. The film turned out to be a huge success and cemented the name of Nicolas Cage among those of the greatest actors in history. Also important to note, it was here that Nicolas Cage began a brief stint in comedy, producing such comedic gems as "Windtalkers" and the critically-acclaimed "The Wicker Man."

The Future

Nicolas Cage can see into the future, but only two minutes ahead. Therefore it is not known what the future holds for this amazing and troubled talent. This talent has evolved since his youth, which at the time allowed him to see things that had happened to himself two minutes after they had already happened. There is speculation that he is set to make a few Ghost Rider sequels, a few more National Treasure sequels, and that he will probably end up back in jail at some point. This is, of course, only speculation. Since we're speculating, though, I'm going to venture a guess that he'll probably accidentally have sex with your girlfriend at some point and get her pregnant. Failing that, he'll probably accidentally have sex with your mom. She'll probably get pregnant too unless she's already had a hysterectomy.

Medical portfolio

Melting Face Syndrome

Nicolas Cage suffers from severe M.F.S., also known as melting face syndrome. This is why when watching a Cage movie in each scene as the movie progresses he gets a more elongated goo-like face. It has also causes his voice to sound like that of a Memphis born goose. However thanks to anti-aging techniques known as "masks" he has been able to establish himself as an awful actor even if it does include his face oozing onto the red carpet when accepts his awards. It has been remarked that he looks like a "sausage" though it has been corrected by Cage's agent that he looks like a "HIDEOUSLY DEFORMED SAUSAGE!"

Mental Disorders

This here's a snake skin jacket. It's a symbol of Nic's individuality and belief in personal freedom.

In spite of (or perhaps because of) Cage's fame and success, he began to develop numerous mental illnesses. These included O.C.D., schizophrenia, Tourette's, satyriasis, Alzheimer's, and numerous undiagnosed disorders. Undeterred by his illnesses and determined to persevere, he decided to utilize these traits in his on screen characters. This has led to several memorable and acclaimed performances such as his role in Captain Corelli's Mandolin, where he played the role of the mandolin, and Ghost Rider, which was based entirely on Cage's real-life ability to set his head on fire at will.

Career

Beekeeping

Nicolas Cage has continued to have bees enter his eyes through a specially built bee dispensing helmet. Unfortunately he doesn't know how it got burned.

Travels to Japan

Nicolas cage has publicly stated: "I love all of Japan; I love sushi, I love Mount Fuji." While vacationing in Japan in 2006, Cage reportedly contracted a fever while signing an autograph for three blond, white, Japanese triplets. Shortly before returning to America, Cage recorded his lone hit single "My Favorite Things, My Favorite Things..."[1].

Deal with Satan

Not much is known on how his movie career came to be. Some scientists and film critics have suggested help from an evil deity or perhaps extraterrestrial beings. However it is known that after one of his latest movies Drive Angry, Nicolas Cage made a deal with the Lord of the Underworld that if he was released from death the world would suffer from another forty years of his films.

Trivia

Nicolas Cage as BigDaddy the homosexual version of Batman.

• Cage hates bees because they get in his eyes
• Nicolas wants his cake. He-wants-it!
• Killing him won’t bring back your goddamned honey!
• He never mis-filed anything, not once, not one time!
• Cage is a real life superhero with super powers named Big Daddy who is part Adam West and part Elvis. He was almost cast as Superman but was too powerful.
• You wish you were Nicolas Cage.
• Since reading the above line, you don't wish you were Nicolas Cage.
• He once bitch-slapped John Travolta so hard, his dimples became convex. Travolta had to have surgery to put them back to normal.
• He has the world's largest collection of My Little Pony toys and ephemera.
• Made Vampire’s Kiss because he believed he was a vampire, and to bang Jennifer Beals. This caused everyone to want to be Nicolas Cage. He still believes he’s a vampire.
• He was offered the role of Jar-Jar Binks in Star Wars, but turned it down to star in City of Angels and spend six months banging Meg Ryan. This caused everyone to stop wanting to be Nicolas Cage.
• He was chosen as the role of Ghost Rider because he has been the only human ever alive to be able to light their head on fire without crying.
• Nicholas Cage is responsible for every crime since the year 1984. Photographic evidence has shown that upon closer inspection of criminal photos, it is in fact Nicholas Cage in every one.
• He was offered the leading role in an $2 billion pornographic movie with Cher and Samuel L. Jackson, directed by Woody Allen.
• Cage gets all of his acting talent straight from Satan. The twist to this deal however, is that for every awesome movie Cage makes, a shitty movie must be produced as well.
• Satan is held hostage by Cage in his basement and is being raped every time Cage wants to do an awesome movie. Cage stated that his religion is the reason for his sexual abuses on Satan and not his greed for money, fame and his obsession for Elvis.
• Cage's past time activities include: snorting excessive amounts of cocaine, horseback riding, ghost hunting, beating kittens with a baseball bat, and shaking baby infants to death.
• Nicholas Cage is most known for his portrayal of the character Nicholas Cage in every movie he has ever acted in, whether or not this role was relevant to the story or not.
• Nicholas Cage regretted trading faces with John Travolta after a film they did together. He had nightmares later on in life when he pretended to be "Vinny Barberino!"
• Tried to change his name to Kal-El, but was warned it would cost him his manhood if it happened.
• Wanted to be like Steve McQueen but every car he gets into turns into a unicorn
• Mandy, where he spends a large portion of the film in his underwear, does space-drugs and fights demon bikers and cosmic cult leaders with a big chrome scythe, is considered to be one of his more normal films.

Filmography

• 2021 - The Unbearable Weight of Nicolas Cage’s Massive Talent
• 2016 - The Wicker Man 3: Return of the Honey
• 2015 - AIDS Quilt: Redemption
• 2014 - 007: GoldenCage
• 2014 - Raising Alabama
• 2013 - Face/Off 2 - Face On
• 2013 - Untitled Con Air Sequel
• 2012 - Untitled National Treasure Sequel
• 2011 - Untitled National Treasure Sequel
• 2010 - Kick-Yo-Ass
• 2010 - Season Of The Bitch
• 2010 - The Sorcerer's Apprentice
• 2009 - Homestuck
• 2009 - Bad Lieutenant: No Relation to the Original Bad Lieutenant
• 2009 - Astro Bitch
• 2009 - G-Force
• 2009 - Knowing This Movie will Suck
• 2008 - Bangkok Dangerous (aka the most perverted title since Balls of Fury)
• 2007 - This Movie Sucks, Next
• 2007 - Grindhouse (as Fu Manchu)
• 2007 - The Rock 2: The Crock
• 2007 - National Treasure 2: The Fucking Stupid Sequel
• 2006 - The Ant Bully
• 2006 - The Wicker Man 2: Revenge of The Bees
• 2005 - Lord of War
• 2005 - National Treasure
• 2003 - Matchstick Boys
• 2000 - Please Lord Let This Movie Be Over in 60 Seconds
• 1999 - This Movie Sucks in 60 Seconds
• 1998 - Con Hair
• 1998 - Snuff Film
• 1997 - Con Air 4: The Return of Pinball
• 1997 - Con Air 3
• 1997 - Con Air 2: Connier Air
• 1997 - Con Air, for which his hair won several awards
• 1997 - Face/Off (shoot-em-up movie about hockey players)
• 1996 - The Big Fuckin’ Rock
• 1995 - Leaving Las Vegas
• 1993 - Fall Down Dead from Laughter
• 1990 - Wild at Heart (That David Lynch film where he's an Elvis impersonator)
• 1989 - Raising Arizona
• 1988 - Vampire’s Kiss (The one where he’s a vampire that isn’t Renfield)
• 1987 - Moonstruck

See also

• Monkey gate scandal
• Johnny Cage
• Chuck Norris