Monkey gate scandal

You wouldn't of guessed all that shit would of happened in this house would you?

“IT WAS ALL SO FAST, don't blame me for the scandal”

~ Elijah Wood on Monkey Gate Scandal.

Monkey gate, Shropshire sex primate scandal was a series of controversial gatherings of lifeforms, both humans and animals, that made love quite blatantly. Pretty much that simple.

Origin

On September 10, 2001 Tinkles the monkey escaped from London zoo with the assistance of Bert Yurgen, the esteemed caretaker. He was originally set to live with Boris Johnson but somehow knowing how shit that would be it decided to run off.

Boris initiated a wide scale search for said monkey, with a reward poster begging Tinkles to return to the zoo so that it would be made an mp in the conservative party alongside fellow primate block-headed moron David Cameron.

Rejected by said monkey. Boris died of suicidal grief on September 11, 2001, overshadowing the twin tower attacks.

AIDS

This is no joke, I'm stating the obvious and I am not making sense, in your frickin face Uncyclopedia.

First wave

Said monkey, now growing in stature and intelligence decided to recruit an army of other monkeys in order to siege Elijah Woods homestead in LA. The hope was that such a famous actor as Daniel Radcliffe would help them in their conquest with the promise he would own part of the house. He also allegedly engaged in sexual relations with Tinkles in order to sweeten the deal with a meaty promise.

Henmans observations assisted the monkeys in acquiring David, Elijah's one gay mate. Henman was assaulted by Tinkles so that he would not blab to the popo. He now commentates alongside fellow victim McEnroe on the Wimbledon Show

Tim Henman, an alleged witness, claimed to have seen Andy Murray enjoying the festivities also, to huge controversy. Henman claimed he was atop of Henman hill at the time (1am in the morning, way past his court order kerfew)

Second wave

Upon the taking of Elijah's house, Tinkles decided to call it "Monkey Gate" in his fathers honour. Elijah, not quite dead but paralysed indefinitely from head up was granted slave status and the garage as a bedroom. Daniel Radcliffe often visited the household to make sure it all went as smooth as his bare ass.

Tinkles called off the third wave of attacks for political reasons, and for the severe lack of monkeypower.

The night

Tinkles and his monkey amigos held a decadent party in Hussein's honour on the night of September 12, 2005. Many Hollywood stars, including many extras, attended the party, excluding Ben Brownie pants and Samuel L Jackson whom the monkeys had an unstable relationship with. The party began quite harmlessly, but upon the falling of slave Elijah's trousers, the sex began.

Elijah allowed to enjoy himself finally

The act

The guests were said to engage in acts of fellatio, brash anal sex, regular hand jobs and finger bumming. Felching may have made an appearance, but as with crumbing nobody is quite sure yet due to the lack of witnesses. Radcliffe lost his anal virginity to Tinkles. This became a federal court case in which Tinkles was forced to pay $5 in rectal repair work.

Radcliffe repaid this debt by giving Tinkles a ceremonial banana, in the privacy of his homestead.

Aftermath

Those involved have gained notoriety for their vile acts but nevertheless their careers have flourished into beautiful flowers. Tinkles recently died horribly of a ruptured ass bone which defiled his brain and made mincemeat of his career. Radcliffe has since apologised.

Burt Yergen has since been fired from his job at the zoo and now makes a living selling used toilet papier mache

Monkey about to kill himself

Several of the monkeys involved have gone on to commit suicide. Presumably because of the embarrassment they felt after it went public.

See also

• Love
• Monkey