Maxipad
“I don't trust anything that bleeds for a week ev'ry month and doesn't die.”
– Oscar Wilde on a tangent
A maxi-pad is a tool utilized by women to absorb personal vaginal discharge and shed eggs as well as avoid undergarment staining during their internal hormonal female lunar cycle. Officially known as menstruation but more commonly as the great red flood, maxi-pads have had a fascinating, yet for some reason rarely documented history, ignored by historians, until, entirely coincidentally, women were allowed to write history books. Since then, it seems that is all women talk about. Gross.
The very mention of sanitary tools for a woman's monthly bleeding was taboo in Europe for centuries except as part of a joke told by men to men, which is of course hilarious. It is still a little taboo in most countries, though men are forced to listen to stories about blood, cramps and "so called" unbearable pain for fear of being cancelled. Exceptions to this taboo include France which has a national day that celebrates the female period, where everyone goes on strike or surrenders to an invading army. These French men openly tell their friends that their wife can't join them for a game of lawn bowling because she is bleeding out her twat. Sick! French men are known around the world as cucks and totally whipped by "respecting" their women's disgusting monthly periods and derided by alphas everywhere. By sheer coincidence they also enjoy a high level of marital happiness and low levels of divorce and a general high life satisfaction. The reason for this is still unknown.
Mentioning the word maxi-pad in Buddhist Myanmar (where period is synonymous with defilement and pollution) results in instant public castration. Your penis is then thrown off the top of a mountain. If your penis is still in tact, it is turned into a statue where people who are impotent come to worship it in an attempt to get their erections back. Don't talk about maxi-pads in Myanmar unless you want your cut off dick to become a shrine to impotent men.
History[edit | edit source]
Men have usually made tools, to reduce their labour. Making maxipads doesn't reduce work so they weren't usually made. However men whose wives had tsunmi periods had to find some solution. Under incredible secrecy and shame, such men constructed devices from old cloth, tree bark, or sheep cuttings. And over the centuries it evolved into the super polluting, unsustainable product of maxipads. Now women can keep their ketchup jamboree out of anyone else's business, minds and know-how. Gross.
Development[edit | edit source]
We have come a long way since the days of socially isolating women from the tribe during their mensies and burning everything they had touched to a time where toiletry companies make handsome profits selling cheaply made, mostly working plastic and cotton based blood absorbers. Today, maxi-pads is a multi-billion dollar industry cornered by a few large companies and a couple evil corporations squeezing money out of bleeding women.
While more efficient and keeping the discharge far more personal and out of the minds of men, maxi-pads have become a major pollution problem and pollute much more than the original vag discharge to begin with. The irony is that, disposable women's products, once seen as a force of liberation, is more harmful to the environment than cow farts. Women should in theory use reusable washable maxi-pads, but no one in the family would want to use the same washing machine that those went into so, that's a bit of a no go. I guess the mass pollution will continue until the world is set on fire. It certainly isn't because of low fuel efficiency motorcycles or SUVs.
Asking abusive boyfriends to run to the shop to get maxi-pads[edit | edit source]
Is in general not a good idea. Stock up on tons of maxipads and have more than an ample supply in advance. Sell his stupid guitar or motorcycle, use the money to order a lifetime supply of premium maxi-pads online and then ditch the douchebag and marry a Frenchman.
Different designs of maxi-pad[edit | edit source]
Any woman who has visited a Walmart in recent years is well aware that maxi-pad aisles continue to grow knocking other products off the shelves. The "Always" brand has their own aisle yet it's difficult these days to find automatic assault riffle ammunition in some states. Regardless, you'll have no problem finding medium-low flow ultra slim moderately absorbant super maxi-mattresses. Here are the different kinds:
Lunapads - These are made from fabric and are washable, very handy for women who like to wash blood soaked rags every hour.
Waffles - This breakfast snack is highly absorbent, soft, and comfortable, a very versatile pad for the career woman 'on the go'.
Raw fish - A long slim piece of raw fish soaks up lots of blood and is beneficial to women who need to mask that unsightly odour emanating from her minge.
Very small - The 'winged design' for those who pretend that nothing happens every 28 days and will risk staining and embarrassing odours so she can still wear tight pants.
iPad - Luxurious edition of maxi-pads, made from premium materials like multi-touch glass,
aluminium]] and a bit of apple magic.
Toilet paper - For really cheap women with minimal flow who don't mind having spotted underwear.
Tampon - A cotton dildo for women with no sex life and sharp finger nails.
God and periods[edit | edit source]
God doesn't like periods. The bible and Koran calls it dirty and unclean and for such inconvenience to be hidden from sight. Shed eggs and uterus blood displease the lord. In fact elaborate purification rules are required and women shouldn't come near Church/Synagogue/Mosque while on the rag, not pick up a holy book...in fact its better they don't even think about God until the grossness is over. They are expected to isolate in a hu and burn anything they touch. The lord has spoken.
“And if a woman have an issue, and her issue in her flesh be blood, she shall be put apart seven days: and whosoever toucheth her shall be unclean until the even. And whosoever toucheth her bed shall wash his clothes, and bathe himself in water, and be unclean until the even ... And on the eighth day she shall take unto her two turtles, or two young pigeons, and bring them unto the priest, to the door of the tabernacle of the congregation.”
– Leviticus 15:19-30 on a refreshingly old yet usefull purpose for turtles
“They ask thee concerning women's courses. Say: They are a hurt and a pollution: So keep away from women in their courses, and do not approach them until they are clean.”
– Koran 2:222-223 on hurt and pollution
The future of maxi-pads[edit | edit source]
Eventually these will no longer be needed. Either fancy new technology will allow us to transport blood and shed eggs directly out of a woman's womb and regulate their hormones better to avoid hysterical fits, or nano-bot technology will be designed to fix the problem somehow. Maxi-pad companies will temporarily suffer heavy losses but will likely invest their money into Buddhist penis shrines. So goes the circle of controlling women's bodies.
See also[edit | edit source]
External Links[edit | edit source]
- Lunapads Washable maxi-pads, if you can stomach it.