Maxipad
“I don't trust anything that bleeds for a week ev'ry month and doesn't die.”
A maxi-pad is a tool utilized by women to absorb personal vaginal discharge and avoid undergarment staining during their internal 'regulatory' moment of the female lunar cycle-time. Officially known as menstruation but more commonly as the red flood, maxi-pads have had a quiet, slow and secretive evolution in finding ways to mop up daily secretions, mask musky odours and to keep expensive frilly underwear clean. The history of the maxi-pad is very controversial. Its very mentionwas taboo in Europe for centuries unless it was a joke told only to men (and the female prostitutes that might have accompanied them). It still is taboo in those countries were women are portable vaginas and domestic-meat-robots. Exceptions include France which has a national day that celebrates the Fraternity amongst women with the freedom they get from napkins bringing equality to the work place. These holidays are usually followed by a twelve day strike and riots in poor neighborhoods.
Mentioning the word maxi-pad in Saudi Arabia (where period is synonymous with hurt and pollution) results in instant public castration. Your penis is then thrown off the top of a tall building. If your penis is still alive then it is turned into a sex slave for Jihhaddist fighters. If your penis is lucky it will be treated well by its slave-owner.
Women in countries where periods inspire fear and panic in men must not only deal with their monthly period (collosal mood swings, burning hot flashes, gushing fountains etc.), but also to hide it as best they can with no help, sympathy nor tools from men. The development of the maxi-pad over the years from "unspoken abomination" to slick marketed disposable toiletry has shown rare spurts of rapid change and ingenuity. On the worst of voluminous periods, a woman can lose up to 20 centilitres of blood a day which is considered heavy and messy by any standards. Maxi-pads have come to be a welcome tool by woman to deal with this problem, for whom their husbands have "always" never cared and threatened divorce if the problem wasn't quickly, quietly and inconspicuously dealt with.
History[edit | edit source]
Men have usually made tools, to reduce their labour. Making maxipads doesn't reduce work so they weren't usually made. However men whose wives had tsunmi periods had to find some solution. Under incredible secrecy and shame constructed devices from old cloths, tree bark, or sheep. And over the centuries it evolved into the super poluting, unsustainable product of maxipads. Now women can keep their ketchup jamboree out of anyone else's business, minds and know-how.
Around the world[edit | edit source]
The maxi-pad in Asia was born in the shadow of the curious case of a Thai king who had a serious anal leakage problem. He put sewn layered strips of cotton, attached to a silk belt tied to his Kimono so he could get through his courtly business. His wife would steal one every month, soil it and then burn it afterwards infront of the alter to the God of fertility and shame. The court quickly caught on and the women copied it and all rich females were allowed (more not executed for doing so) to use them as long as the King had an ample supply and that no one talked about his man-period, in fact, no talk about periods at all! Gross.
God doesn't like periods. The bible and Koran calls it dirty and unclean and for such inconvenience to be hidden from sight. Shedded eggs and uterus blood displease the lord. In fact elaborate purification rules are required and women shouldn't come near Church/Synogogue/Mosque while on the rage, not pick up a holy book...in fact its better they don't even think about God until the grossness is over. The load has spoken.
“And if a woman have an issue, and her issue in her flesh be blood, she shall be put apart seven days: and whosoever toucheth her shall be unclean until the even. And whosoever toucheth her bed shall wash his clothes, and bathe himself in water, and be unclean until the even ... And on the eighth day she shall take unto her two turtles, or two young pigeons, and bring them unto the priest, to the door of the tabernacle of the congregation.”
“They ask thee concerning women's courses. Say: They are a hurt and a pollution: So keep away from women in their courses, and do not approach them until they are clean.”
Development[edit | edit source]
The slow evolution of such material, absorption rates, various sizes, hide-ability and discreteness have evolved at about the same rate as the evolution of science itself, despite the fact that no women were scientists until recently and that men up until then were completely unaware of the hardships (or were simply in denial) of said female regulatory hooch leaking. The appearance of complicated sanitary napkins is thus akin to the sudden appearance of sophisticated surgical non do-at home abortions also done until then in secret by woman by laborious and tenuous trial and error (also claimed by women to be rather inconvenient).
Once the word "period" became "special word" with a "special meaning" in the Oxford dictionary (though only one half of the world has ever seen anything special about it), and once woman had money to spend, became educated and finally when men started to care about the comfort of their lesser double chromosome, huge advances in the art of menstrual discharge absorption solution tools elevated the old sewn rags into mass produced, highly researched, technically sophisticated and disposable maxi-pads.
We have come a long way since the days of socially isolating women from the tribe during their mensies and burning everything they had touched to a time where toiletry companies make handsome profits selling cheaply made, mostly working plastic and cotton based blood absorbers. While strips of cotton, glued together forage and marine life were once used they proved impractical materials for fabrication once mass production of maxi-pads began. At first, companies lost serious money while producing maxi pads as no shops wanted to sell plastic/cotton sanitation pads openly. One cannot pass through a drug store in the 21st century without seeing hundreds of hygiene products and their ubiquitous blue dot illustrations showing absorption rates and markedly different prices. It is now a multi-billion dollar industry cornered by a few large companies and a couple evil corporations squeezing money out of bleeding women.
While more efficient and keeping the discharge far more personal and out of the minds of men, maxi-pads have become a major pollution problem and polute much more than the original vag discharge to begin with. Since periods are now joked about or used to explain why naughty husband's wives are actually angry, the period still remain a great taboo, no one has proposed any solution to the problem as to admit that there is a pollution problem is to admit that periods are something important, and to admit that periods important is to admit that women have inconvenient problems and to admit that women have inconvenient problems is to admit there is more to the world of problems than men's problems. Which is blasphemy and would result in more burnings in Saudi Arabia tomorrow.
Asking abusive boyfriends to run to the shop to get maxi-pads[edit | edit source]
Is in general not a good idea. Stock up on tons of maxipads and have more than an ample supply in advance. Sell his stupid guitar or motorcycle, use the money to order a lifetime supply of premium maxi-pads online and then ditch the douchebag.
Different designs of maxi-pad[edit | edit source]
Any woman who has visited a Walmart in recent years is well aware that maxi-pad aisles continue to grow knocking other products off the shelves. Always brand has their own ailse yet it's difficult these days to find automatic assault riffle ammunition and yet you'll have no problem finding medium-low flow ultra slim moderately absorbant super maxi-mattresses. Women now spend more time picking maxipads than their abusive boyfriends. To avoid PMS meltdowns, psychologists recommend that bleeding women just take various products to dressing room, try out some maxi pads, throw the used ones on the floor and then order one's preffered maxipads from Amazon one day delivery. The following guide helps make these decisions easier:
Lunapads - These are made from fabric and are washable, very handy for women who like to wash blood soaked rags every hour.
Waffles - This breakfast snack is highly absorbent, soft, and comfortable, a very versatile pad for the career woman 'on the go'.
Raw fish - A long slim piece of raw fish soaks up lots of blood and is beneficial to women who need to mask that unsightly odour emanating from her minge.
Very small - The 'winged design' for those who pretend that nothing happens every 28 days and will risk staining and embarrassing odours so she can still wear tight pants.
iPad - Luxurious edition of maxi-pads, made from premium materials like multi-touch glass,
aluminium]] and a bit of apple magic.
Toilet paper - For really cheap women with minimal flow who don't mind having spotted underwear.
Tampon - A cotton dildo for women with no sex life and sharp finger nails.
See also[edit | edit source]
External Links[edit | edit source]
- Lunapads Washable maxi-pads, if you can stomach it.