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A Masochristian is a Christian who gets pleasure out of hurting themselves.

The masochist tendencies of these Christians are usually caused by the practice of the religion. When they go to church for hours on end, every single week, they get bored and upset and think endlessly about sin and damnation. This boredom creates stress and anger which causes most to start cutting to relieve the stress. The only cure for being a masochristian is to smoke a mass amount of weed before you go to a gathering of christians in such places as a church. Weed will impare your thought enough for you to believe what the minister says, and the relaxing affect of the weed will keep you calm, relaxed, and most of all, entertained during the gathering. Other cures have been attempted, but none have worked as well.

Philosophy[edit | edit source]

The Masochristian philosophy, as stated by its adherents, the the natural outlook to have in a world so f'd up after receiving the truth. At it's core, Masochristianity is more then a lifestyle choice, but a statement as well, an angry outcry against Satan and this physical world.

Many psychologists thus, believe this to be another cry for reliefe within an alienating, indifferent world.

Initially, after one becomes born again, the reality of the born again's existence gradually unveils itself, he will eventually sink into deeper and deeper levels of depression as he finds the inherant incompatibility between this world and the ideals of God, thus, he will begin harboring a deep resentment of the world and its various forms, especially his or her own body. Masochristianity then is the ultimate expression of the Christian's hatred for Satan and his fallen world through destroying that which is his slave.

They also have the desire to smack their heads of Planks of wood, as shown in Monty Python and The Holy Grail

Origins[edit | edit source]

Masochristianity was first implemented in the 200's AD when a dissillusioned Roman populace were fed up by their parents' stupidity. After receiving the horrible truth and the hope for salvation as communicated by Original Jesus, many of them would discover just how sick life was. Thus, they eventually let the world know what they felt of it by flagelating themselves in public and dressing either in dull shades of grey (often the darker ones).

This would later inspire the late Death Metal band Gnosis, who would become controversial even amongst other early Christians who objected to their hatred of the Old Testament. It would be a short time before the sectarian wars would begin. And you know the rest, about that story.

Medaeval Revival[edit | edit source]

During the medaeval ages, some monks discovered that flagelation was good at keeping the red humours from stimulating the white humours below, thus, S/M became a wonderful alternative to sex. It lasted way into the 1800's until that awful Marquis de Sade ruined it all by introducing the very sexual element that the act was supposed to prevent! (Pervert bastard!).

There where many methods for reliefe besides the standard whips and paddles which also included:

Some who could not put out the fires eventually resorted to castration.

A few would go the route of their ancestors and purposefully do these things unto death

Now[edit | edit source]

These days the effect is purely psychological, where Christians traumatize themselves into an indulgent frenzy (thus missing the whole point of both movements, but what do you expect from the likes of Pat Robertson?), and the new Goth movement, which has made explicit masochism its own, basically took off with the idea and, like their modern Christians adversaries, deviated towards the realm of fad (since many are explicitly anti-Chrisitan, this has made it a monopoly of Satanists and perverts).

However, there are some groups that have actually caught on to this form of expression such as Opus Dei and it's utilization of Mortification to remind the believer of how sucky this life outside of God is.

Also still, a few Goths that DO realize their Christian heretage and let the world know not only what they think of this world, but what they think of that which all good things will always emanate out of. Amen

Famous Masochristians[edit | edit source]

  • Silas from the DaVinci Code (Yep, this is pretty accurate picture, poor, poor Silas).
  • Kroenen from Hellboy (Wow! This guy cut his eyelids off! What a freak! And not to mention the moves on that guy! Coool!)
  • Mel Gibson

See Also[edit | edit source]