John Seigenthaler Sr. (Soviet spy)
- For the red-blooded American see John Seigenthaler Sr.
|This page is or discusses a loony and/or nutty conspiracy theory of which Uncyclopedia vehemently denies knowledge and existence. The black helicopters are not ^on their way.|
John Seigenthaler, Sr. (1689-2027?) is one of the most famous counter-counter-intelligence quadruple pornstars in the history of espionage. He is also suspected to be an alien from a distant era who killed John F Kennedy.
The Killing of the Kennedys
His first major political appearance on Earth was in the office of President John F. Kennedy, working as an assistant to KFC's brother, the Attorney General Boobie Kennedy. Seigenthaler was promptly fired in 1963 for his role in planning, carrying out, and covering up the JFK Assassination, and is even thought by some madmen to have supplied Oswald and Castro with silver bullets to kill the werewolf-president. The connection between Seigenthaler and the murder is widely documented, and ENTIRELY NOT LIBEL.
Seigenthaler got revenge against the American military-industrial complex in 1968 when he also arranged the desecration by murder of his former boss, Boobie. The asteroid which collided with the Democratic front-runner for the nomination had a death threat, "Sic Semper Hominibus Quod Detesto", written on it; this is Latin for, "Thus always to people I don't like." Astronomers also calculated that the space rock came from the same area of the Andromeda Galaxy that Seigenthaler comes from, Freedom-Hating Traitor 7.
In 1971, Seigenthaler escaped the authorities by fleeing to the Soviet Union, where he published a tell-all memoir "Why I Was a Double-Agent and a Dirty, Anti-American Polygamist", wherein he described his early life of infidelity, and explained the divine origins of his belief that "kidnapping, violating, and imprisoning pre-pubescent girls (and occasionally boys) was the most kind thing I could do to [those kids]. Pederasty is the only thing that makes Jesus happy" (7th ed., p. 432). He revealed his motivations for defecting to the Soviet Union while he was still in utero, and laid out his plans for flooding Afghanistan with milk from his sizable man boobs.
Of course, when the Russians invaded Afghanistan, Seigenthaler immediately began working for Osama bin Laden and the mujahadeen, betraying the country he had devoted the past 30 years of treachery to. Seigenthaler became a Muslim fundamentalist, forced all of his child-wives and most of his child-husbands to wear burka, and burned crescent moons on the lawns of Blacks, Asians, and non-fundamentalist Muslims. He is widely considered responsible for driving the Soviet tanks out of Afghanistan in shame, and helped establish the Taliban as a powerful force for Good in the latter part of the Twentieth Century. Having brought down, almost single-handedly (he had help from Ronald Reagan, but not much) a world superpower, he settled down to an ostensible retirement somewhere in Central Asia with his fifteen favorite wives and three favorite husbands (all former male models).
War on Terror
Instead, he shot Osama bin Laden in 1996, Abu al-Zarqawi in 1998, and Colin Powell and Condoleeza Rice during a secret tryst in 2002. He then sent footage of these heinous murders to the Arab-language TV station Al Jazeera, in which he shows off Hitler's still-living brain in a jar and proclaimed his eternal loyalty to the Aryan peoples and the causes of enthic cleansing and Anti-Semitism. During this time his followers in eighteen countries managed to abuse their respective legal systems by holding common carriers responsible for acts of libel and slander. Most notably, he sued the entire Internet for saying bad things about him (even though those things eventually turned out to be true), and managed to gain ownership of the Internet as a result of its inability to pay. With the mantra of "A Slander-Free World", Seigenthaler began dissolving rivil rights around the globe, betraying the ideals of liberty and free-thinking world-wide, as well as exterminating millions of Jews, Muslims, Buddhists, Hindus, White Russians, Black Russians, and Americans. In 2005 he singlehandedly got Wikipedia shut down, having brought the world to awareness of its gross defects in comparison to such references as Uncyclopedia.
He has also been known to do massive amounts of stolen cocaine from his "friends" in Colombia. A certain Colombian drug cartel has been reported to have included Seigenthaler in their highest-ups. A shipment to the US by plane in 1978 was never seen again by the cartel, and Seigenthaler denies any involvement in the cartel. However, it is widely believed that Siegenthaler stole the cocaine for himself, and is hiding it in a forest in southern Hungary.
Reports of this man being other than human have been widespread. He is thought to have had an essential role in the Cuban Missile Crisis, but more shockingly is that traitors fitting his exact description have been portrayed in historical nonfiction dating back to the 700s AD. He is thought to have created of the first ghettos in Midevil Europe . He is thought to have been alive for more than 300,000 earth years before visiting this planet.
According to John Titor, Seigenthaler will commit treason again in 2027 on his hundredth anniversary of coming to America, when he betrays not only the Nazis but the entire planet Earth by selling it out to the Space-Demons of Aldebaran, thought now to be part of his home solar system in their glistening warships, resulting in the destruction of the solar system. The Space-Demons, being a lot smarter than us dimwitted Earth-folk, will have the good sense to shoot the motherfucker after our world is enslaved. I guess the last person he betrays will be himself.