The Mujahideen (formerly known as Scoia'tael) were Islamically minded warriors who resisted the Soviet invasion of Afghanistan. The Soviet invasion otherwise known as "Operation Protracted Failure" is largely remembered as the point when the cold war finally froze. Whether it's firing a rocket launcher at a military convoy, fleeing into the hills or merely serving as precursors to the Taliban we know and love, the Mujahideen tried to make the best of everything.
The name "Mujahideen" is believed to honour the popular Islamic Theologian and linoleum and carpet salesman Mujahidean Crossley. Crossley was possibly the most prolific writer in the late Fatimid Caliphate of Hartelpoole, as well as this he was well known throughout Hartlepoole and the surrounding area (as far as Darlington) for his slogan "I love carpets me! Almost as much as I love Jihad!". Throughout the ages Muslim commanders named their forces in honour of him and his affordable flooring. Some of his best offers were as follows:
- 1 ft green and white checked linoleum: £2.00
- 1 ft white and black checked linoleum: £2:50
When the Muslim east and the Christian west clashed in mortal kombat during the first, second, children peasants crusades (and incidentally the Lepers' crusade) Muslim rulers fearing for their stately turbans and sumptuous kaftans used religion as a way of motivating their vassals to repel the pasty invaders. Often these poor but motivated warriors would charge into battle with only the most rudimentary of equipment. Muslim historian Ibn Kaldun relates the story of one such force in his book "How the Saracens lost Damascus and other just so stories."
|“||Thus did the warriors of Al Goonai charge, clad in goat bladders, bearing swords made from fingernails and sheilds hewed from the lids of rubbish pails. Some even charged in naught but linoleum armour in honour of Al Gobshiite (Mujahideen Crossley).||”|
These stirring but frankly impractical accounts would influence future generations of rabid fundamentalists, they would thus term themselves "The mujahideen" or "linoleum ones.
The Soviet Invasion
In 1979, Soviet Premier Leonid Brezhnev had grown so tired of nuclear brinkmanship and re-enacting the Battleship Potemkin mutiny in his bath that he decided the world needed more communism. The Politburo saw Afghanistan with it's stirring mountain vistas, own private airline, picturesque religious zealots and smiling peasant girls and proscribed gruelling oppression as the best cause for these woeful ills. The invasion force was dispatched in ealy march 1979 and set off in what was possibly the greatest convoy of Ladas ever seen. two years and multiple breakdowns later the force captured Kabul from the Afghan army.
The Afghan Army later retired to work as a fruit and vegetable deliveryman in peshawar where he still lives along with his wife Khalida and his four children aged 16 to 5.
The monotonous daily grind of life as a soviet republic was too staid for the zany and headstrong Afghan people and so they decided to set about routing the Infedel occupiers. This began with small scale acts of sabotage such as flipping over their ladas and referring to the Russian army as "numpties" and calling the Soviet premier Yuri Andropov "a right Kyber pass" (See Pashtun Ryming Slang). Guerrilla leaders such as the reflective Ahmed Shah Masud (secretly Ioverth), the disillusioned tearaway Mullah Mohhamed Omar and The Gangly Osama Bin Laden who provided comic relief.
And Allah knows we needed it!
By 1984 The Mujahideen's gutsy combination of riding mules up hillocks and sassy in your face terrorism had earned the attention of American President Ronald Rambo. Rambo himself a veteran B movie actor and Guerrilla specialist promised the Cheeky Jihadis "As many automatic rifles, rocket propelled Grenades and humorous Pez dispensers necessary for their struggle against freedom". However this shipment of arms and amusing sweet containers was wrongly sent to Pirates who were confusingly also Bearded, battle scarred and sworn enemies of the Soviet Union (see Edgar Pollock's "The Pirates and the Poliburo: The quest for Lenin's Gold").
After a lengthy and frankly uninteresting campaign, the Soviets were forced to return home when they realised to their horror that Marx wasn't really too serious about the whole "dictatorship of the proletariat" thing and they'd just wasted 80 years worth of GDP on fur hats and red flags for nothing. The Soviet union was dissolved to form a copper sulfate and corruption solution, President Rambo won an oscar for his performance in his second term, and the Afghan people lived happily ever after with no repercussions. No repercussions whatsoever.