HowTo:Misbehave in a Library

At some point during the days of your moderately interesting life, you may wonder what to do for the next couple of hours. Perhaps you may consider playing some football with the local bad boys? Should you try to cook something that is partially edible for your family? If you were a sane man, you would not be considering any of these things, because they are all stupid examples.

No, what you really need is some fun. Fun fun. The kind of fun you can only get at other people's expense.

You need something relatively easy and socially acceptable to do for fun. Hmm. Aha! Here's an easy idea! Why not go to the library and have fun there?

"But just how do you have fun in a library?", I hear you ask. Good question. Truthfully, however, the only time you will see 'library' and 'fun' in the same sentence is if the words 'is not' is between them. The library is a place for getting some decent personal education. Furthermore, librarians firmly believe that this is why the library exists, and so they will take their job very seriously. They will probably throw you out on your ear for trying to even remotely enjoy yourself.

So no, the library is not a fun place. What a stupid thing to suggest. Well, actually, that isn't a bad idea. You can have fun in the library. Remember, we want to have the kind of fun you can only get at other people's expense, right? This is therefore a great opportunity to do so. It's time to misbehave. Let's really annoy that librarian and the other geeks to the point where they can't take it anymore.

Let's misbehave in a library.

Step 1: Locate a library

A library in your neighborhood

Whoa there, cowboy. Were you just about to run off in a random direction? Silly person. Before you can behave badly in a library, you need to find one first.

Before you can find a library, however, you need to know what library you want. Consider space, the number of inhabitants, and librarians on duty. A dilapidated book shop will simply not do. You need a large oak-pannelled library. Something that is so sophisticated that its regular users would rather soil themselves than even consider disturbing its tranquility.

The simplest method of finding a library is to look in the Yellow Pages under 'library'. If it lists the address of a local library, then simply go to that address. Failing that, talk to the family you are trying to avoid. Should they reply "Go look in the Yellow Pages", proceed to whine and snivel about how it is too much work to read such a large book. If your performance is worthy, they might direct you to a library, or nominate you for an award.

If you still have not managed to find a library, then you will need to take drastic measures. I mean really drastic. Ignore anything Charlie the Cat said to you. Walk up to a random stranger. Ask them "Where is the library?" With luck, they will take pity on your incapacity for orientation and will provide directions. No seriously, they will. They may even offer you a lift to the library. Strangers love to give out information to children, and will certainly not try to kidnap you because they like the look of you in their Ford Transit.

Step 2: Case the joint

Once you have found your library, you will need to perform a stakeout.

There are three main steps to take when "casing" your library. These steps are to be done over a period of weeks, maybe a month. Nobody said that fun things just happen straight away.

This is a librarian. She looks old, but she can do zero to sixty in 4.2 seconds.

• Select a lookout point. This is a spot from which you can easily see people entering the library, leaving the library, or the librarian leaving for a tea break. It could be any point outside the library building, although it would be better if it was inside. Pick a place where you have a clear view. Make sure your lookout point is not suspicious, or leaves you in plain sight of the librarian. If people notice that you are watching the area, they will proceed to watch you. Should this happen, immediately move to another lookout point, and continue to watch.
• Keep an eye on the librarian. The librarian breed is one of cunning, nervousness, fussiness, and above all, watchfulness. If they sense you doing something wrong, they will take off from their post and arrive at the scene, ordering you to leave and rearranging books that you may have upset. You need to identify certain times during the day when the librarian will least notice you, so that you can strike without warning. For example, a librarian will be at their least suspicious if they are asleep, they look asleep, they are talking to somebody or they are wandering aimlessly around the shelves. If a librarian displays any of these characteristics, note the time. Eventually, after enough observations, you will have pinpointed the exact time when you can misbehave.
• Find an area with maximum population. To have a big impact, you need to be mischievous in the presence of many people. Where there are tables, computers, wide open spaces, and lots of bookcases, there is a studying space. This space will have people in it. Take note of how many people gather in these places during the day. If possible, only check spaces that are the furthest from the librarian. You do not want to be caught, do you?

Once you have completed all three of these steps, return to your home and check your results. Once you have a specific time and place to cause mischief, you will be ready for the next step.

Step 3: Behave inappropriately

Now you must prepare yourself for the ultimate battle between yourself and education, all in the name of preventing boredom. There is no backing out now. You just spent a couple of weeks preparing for this moment.

The following step requires you to be incognito.

If your cover is blown and you become notorious, proceed to Step 4.

Phase 1: Move into position

Make your way into the library a couple of minutes before the librarian is least suspicious. Move to the area you found was most populated. The extra minutes will give you time to prepare and ask yourself whether you are willing to do this simply to give yourself something to do. Are you really this anti-social? You must be, if you wasted a month planning this escapade.

Never mind that now. There is mischief to be done. Wait calmly, and check the time every so often to see if you are on schedule. When the chosen time arrives, and librarian should be showing the signs of being least suspicious. Begin Phase 2.

Phase 2: Cause small amounts of mischief

You should only commit minimal amounts of mischief first. Cause too much noise and pain and the librarian will notice you immediately and proceed to kick you out, least suspicious or not. You need to be subtle. Pretend subtle is your middle name. Take it slow.

A good ice-breaker would be to walk up to those who are studying and whisper to them "What'cha doin'?". Try to say it in a girly voice as well, unless you are a girl, in which case all you need to do is just say it. Then, as the person begins to lapse into conversation, move away quickly and ask another person the exact same question. This will introduce the concept, subtly, that you are here to mess around, but not too much. This will raise eyebrows, but will not raise an alarm. No doubt they will return to their work as you move away. This is a good sign; none of them will want to alert the librarian yet.

Next, try to move onto the computing section. If your chosen library area contains computers, that is. You may want to use the "What'cha doing?" line again in this area, just in case you need to practice it. If you wish to do something else, walk past and accidentally kick the chair leg of those working at computers. Upon kicking, whisper an apology and move on. Make sure to kick the chair leg gently. If you kick too hard you might send them sprawling to the floor, no doubt causing them to call the librarian to action.

These books are just screaming to be dropped onto the floor, and possibly onto somebody's foot.

Next, move onto the books. If you see a book jutting out on a desk, walk past and brush it just enough to send it falling to the floor. Immediately reach down, pick it up, and put it back on the table. Then move away. If you want to be daring, try walking up a shelf and begin fiddling with the books. Fiddle with them enough to send one dropping to the floor. If someone is standing next to you, angle the book so it lands on their foot, hurting them.

By now, some people should be annoyed by your presence. This is good, it means you are on the right track to having some fun. Now you can begin the next phase.

Phase 3: Cause medium amounts of mischief

Time to move onto the higher forms of causing mischief. This will certainly cause some library inhabitants to turn their heads in your direction, probably sporting the one finger salute. Bear in mind that your presence in the library is now clear. The librarian may already be waking out of their suspicion coma and sniffing the air for mischief. Be more careful from this point forward.

Return to the area you began. At first ask "What'cha doin'?" again, only this time you should ask it in a normal-sounding voice, not a whisper. If the responder begins to talk, interrupt them by beginning your life story in a loud voice. This should cause someone to shush you, which means only that you're doing it right.

.

Next, return to the computer section. To annoy people on the computers, turn off their screen. They will probably turn it back on and whisper an obscenity at you. If this happens, kick their chair leg hard and walk away. If the person is sent sprawling to the floor, laugh quietly at them. Nobody likes to be laughed at.

A real corker at this time would be to play some "library games". For starters, begin to sneak around the bookcases and eye people who are standing by and reading books. Try to imitate James Bond in some fashion. For example, dart around one of the entrances to a bookcase aisle, and then roll across the ground until you reach the other end of it. Should people demand to know what you are doing, hunch over and whisper that somebody is following you, and then point to a random bystander at the same time. To add more confusion, say that they are trying to stop you reaching Neverland, because they work for the Organization of Library Deputies (or O.L.D., for short). A good way of extending this idea would be to go up to a wall, bang it methodically as if checking if it is hollow, and say "This must be the entrance here ..." loudly enough for everyone near you to hear.

Other great games to play in the library are "Find the book I Just Hid on the Wrong Shelf", "Tag", "Rock Paper Scissors", "Stuck in the Mud", "The Floor is Lava" and "Chair Wars".

Once you feel you have exhausted this level of mischief, would you like to do something really naughty? Move on the next level at your own peril.

Phase 4: Cause large amounts of mischief

Now is the time to actually make some noise. This phase will totally blow your cover in the library. People who have managed to keep their sanity and temper so far will lose it very quickly with you around. The librarian will immediately notice you are disrupting the peace. They will attempt to put an end to your trouble-making days, so try to complete this phase as fast as possible.

If this guy goes "Did you just turn off my computer, bitch?" ... run.

To start with, move to the computer area. Now take a deep breath and try to switch off as many computers as you can before one of the studyers actually wrestles you to the ground in anger. Whether you get them all turned off or not, laugh crazily at all of the people whose computers you have violated. Proceed to run away and hide behind the bookcases. Check to see if any of them are following you before you move on.

You can really stir up some trouble with those people at tables by playing an extended version of 'the floor is molten magma'. Whilst jumping from table to table, also jump on the people. This will ensure that everyone will pay attention as you jump around. If possible, invite someone in the library to play with you. The more people you get involved, the more mischief you will cause. why not round off the game with a bit of 'Musical Chairs'? Kick some studyers off of their chairs and start marching around them, whilst having one of your friends provide the music with some off-key singing. In fact, make it an everlasting game of Musical Chairs by telling your singing friend to not stop singing. This will definitely give you mucho points for being annoying.

For the daring and possibly evil of those among you, try to pull all the books down from the shelves and cause a big mess. Scaling the bookcases, swinging from the ceiling, crawling under the tables, and playing 'Story Time' in the adult's section with some little children are definitely daring feats to play. These are, however, prone to injury and humiliation, and so should be avoided if you are planning to kill only a couple hours in the library, and not get a visit from the men in white coats.

Step 4: Escape from the librarian

Simply press A to pray like a monk, and you will blend in easily.

Whether you cause only a small amount of trouble by sticking to Phase 2, or you went totally overboard and skipped right to Phase 4, probabillity and Sod's Law says that the librarian will sniff out your inappropriate behaviour, and come bounding into view with teeth bared and a stout stick in hand. At this point, if you value your life and your un-bruised ass, you will want to make haste and run. And when this means run, this means RUN! Totally take off at supersonic speeds! Get the hell out of there!

No, do not consider making for the exit. The Librarian will probably have employed some of their cronies to bar the exit, as well as the back door. No, your main priority at the minute is to lose the librarian within the library, and then begin to formulate an escape plan.

Before the librarian reaches you, dart into a bookcase isle and run. Weave and dodge between as many bookcases as you can, all the while putting some distance between you and the librarian. Luckily you will break the line of sight between you and the librarian. The problem is that this will work only if:

• The librarian is really unfit. Most librarians are unfit from sitting behind a desk all day. Usually they use their cronies to do their work for them.
• You are in a big library. If you are in a small library, you will probably not get far away enough to break the line of sight from the librarian, and will eventually be cornered. You should have picked a big library, like it said so at Step 2.
• You didn't annoy the studyers too much. If you really pissed them off, then they will likely try to block your escape path or point out your direction to the librarian. You can avoid this problem by escaping away from the area of studyers you tormented, and into another area. The studiers there do not have any quarrel with you, and so will leave you alone.

Once you think you have put considerable distance between you and the librarian, you will need to find a suitable hiding place to ... hide, until the librarian loses interest and will return to their post at the front desk. A suitable hiding place will be under a desk that is in shadow, behind some bookcases that are against the wall, sitting around a desk with some other people, or if you hide in a dense crowd of studiers with your head down. Eventually the librarian will give up the chase and walk back to their post. From now on, however, the library will be on constant red alert. The librarian and their cronies will now chase after you on sight, so you need to escape from their evil clutches.

Step 5: Escape from the library

By returning to your lookout point you used recently in Step 2, you can begin formulating a plan on how to escape from the library without being caught by the librarian. From where you are, you can probably see the exit. Hopefully it should be unguarded, as the librarian will have called off her cronies and sent them out to look for you. You may think that you can get out of the library by simply walking out of the front door. Well, you could, but it's not the right way to do it. For one, you will be in plain sight of the library, who upon seeing you will then set the exit to lockdown, and begin to chase you once again. You need to be able to sneak out of the library without being detected.

One way of escaping the library would be to sneak out of the exit. Yes, it said just before this that you could not do that. But this way is different. In this way, you will sneak out of the exit, and not blatantly walk out. You can do this by moving with a large dense crowd as it exits the library, with your head bowed. This large crowd will probably appear during closing time. If you do not want to wait until closing time, you could hide under a carboard box and slowly sneak out through the exit. If you do not have a cardboard box, then ignore the whole idea of sneaking and just run for the exit. This will probably not work, for the librarian will close the doors automatically before you even reach them.

The library may possibly have a back door of some sort, if not an open window. This will certainly serve as a means of exit. Once you are either out of the window or back door, simply walk away from the library. Should the library not have either a back door or an open window, then at least it will have a skylight. By climbing up the bookcases and along the roof, you should be able to reach the skylight and climb out of it, and then find your way down from the roof.

Should the library not have a back door or a window, or a skylight, and you are unable to sneak/run out of the exit, then you need to consider permanently living in the library. You will need to bribe some of the studyers to bring in some food for you to eat, and you will need to find a bathroom of sorts in which you can have your privacy. If permanent residence in the library is not an option for you, then you need to do some serious apologizing.

To start apologising, walk casually up to the post of the librarian, ignoring her looks and the cronies who are closing in around you. Stare the librarian straight in the face and say you are sorry about your behaviour and that it will not happen again. If the librarian lapses into a lecture on the balance of the library and how you are ruining it, patiently listen and say 'oo' and 'yeah' in the right places. When the lecture is done, the librarian should allow you to leave the library. Now walk out of the exit. Job done.

Step 6: Rinse and repeat

Congratulations on making your first attack of innappropriate behaviour on the library. Now all you need to do is do it again. Just keep going back into the library and repeating Steps 3 through 5 until the librarian either runs away screaming whenever you enter the library, or she brings in a court order preventing you from getting closer than 15 metres to the library. If either of these things happen, simply do Steps 1 and 2 again on a different library, and then perform Steps 3 to 5 all over again. In no time you will be permanently banned from all of the libraries in your county, and you might be considered a hero in some parts of lower class society. Well, it's what you get for messing around in the library.

Conclusion

Thank you for reading this simple yet complex guide on the correct procedures to do when you wish to behave badly in a library. Sure, you may not be able to study or learn in any library ever again just because you behaved wrongly, but you can use the internet for studying crap. You don't need boring books to learn. The internet is the only type of media you will ever need!

Remember, kids, don't be a librarian when you grow up, unless you want to be running around chasing after delinquents who have read this article.

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