Chair Wars

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“Get, on, the, chair, MAGGOTS!!”

~ The Soldier on Chair Wars

“I wanna see your chair leg!!”

~ Sergeant Hartman on not your war face

Chair Wars is the sadistic children's game of brutally fighting each other whilst holding a chair in front of them.


Despite what many historians believe, nobody really knows where Chair Wars originated. Some have claimed to have invented it, whilst others believe that the game was a gift from God. Evidence, however, does suggest that the game can be traced back to the origins of Man. Back then, chairs were made from skeleton bones tied together with bits of hair and mud. The sharp end of the bones were used as the feet of the chair legs, and were lethal if jabbed in the right area. These prototype chairs, however, would fall apart if used continually to maim and kill.

'I say, Watson, those children appear to be in a battle of chairs. Do you think perhaps I could have a go?'

Chair wars experienced a revival during the early 1900's. Children suddenly began to pick up chairs and hit each other with them. Those juveniles seen to be handling chairs in this way would be given a severe beating, which Freud would then use to explain how his penis was the greatest thing ever. Before long, however, even the adults who beat their children saw the usefulness of chairs. Several important engineers believed that chairs could be useful during the war. They began to produce chairs ready for the start of the First World War. These chairs had a wide range of applications, from carring medicine to providing heavy artillery fire. Early designs were made for flying chairs, but these were scrapped due to lack of trees. The chair was set to replace the bayonet as a hand-to-hand weapon. The chair failed, however, when the Germans blew them to pieces with their machine guns. It was said that chairs were simply too stiff to stand up to guns.

The generation of children living during the war age incorporated the use of chairs into the game. From then onwards, chairs would be accompanied by imiatation gunfire that was believed to come from the legs.

Game rules[edit]

This guy obviously did not read the rules of Chair Wars. He's doing it wrong!

Chair wars is a simple enough game to understand and play, provided you have arms. Each player must acquire a chair that is light enough to carry, but strong enough to resist damage. The players must then pretend to 'kill' the other player through a series of attacks and shots from their chair. The game is over when one player drops their chair from fatigue, or the chair is smashed into bits by the other player. The player holding their chair in tact wins.

This game is not without danger. Eventually somebody is poked in the eye from a chair leg and suffers cataracts late in life. As a result, players of Chair Wars adopted the 'Turtle' technique of hiding under the back of the chair to avoid such injuries. This technique later became the 'Tank' method, as the player, unable to see, charges randomly in any direction hoping to hit something.

The rules of the game can change, depending on the culture in which it is played. For example, African children do not use gunfire, because their country cannot afford weapons; American children use sofas instead of chairs, so that they can lay down on them when they have exhausted their bodies; and Australian children dangle baby crocodiles from the chair legs to cause further injuries to each other.

The Future[edit]

Due to the increasing number of splinters that are received during the game, it has now become popular during the modern age to use plastic chairs instead of old wooden chairs. This has presented a problem to the game, as the plastic chairs are hard to break, and so not fall apart like the wooden, badly-constructed chairs of the past. The plastic is also cheap and light, so inexperienced players often become champions in a matter of days by simply by using a plastic chair. The plastic chairs, therefore, have become popular in the game, as it allows the players to fight for a longer time, and shows that they are undefeated champions of the game.

Lately, there have been recorded incidents of Chair Wars being played with metal chairs as well. Tougher and more resilient than plastic, it is believed that this type of chair is only used by elite masters of the game, as the chair is heavy to use and can cause serious damage to other chairs.

A prototype of the 'Elite Chair'. Instead of hitting someone with it, just run them over with the reinforced caterpillar treads.

The United States has observed the phenomenon of Chair Wars, and believe that the game can be incorporated into their current war with terrorism. They reason that if they can build a superchair with the latest war technology, and thus overcome the problem that was experienced in the First World War, they can have a new weapon to brag about and become unstoppable. Already these 'Tank Chairs' are in production, and are to be shipped out to Iraq to look for Osama Bin Laden. Despite its good looks, speculators have pointed out that the design of the chair is completely different than what the chair is used for. Not only that, but the driver of the chair is completely exposed to gunfire. Ignoring these silly people, the USA has continued production, and the war in Iraq is believed to end just before Christmas.