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BOGOTÁ, Colombia, Fake America -- Millions of rioting Colombians are being thrown into giant paddy-wagons by Bogotá police in a tense standoff. The people are violently rioting for the right to take part in the annual Eurovision Song Contest, a European song contest in which Israel and Australia have been permitted to participate.

Colombia has a rich music culture where their very simplistic yet camp and cliché musical style would fit in perfectly with Eurovision. However, for many years now, Israel has vetoed Colombians from joining the contest, claiming that "Colombians just can't be gay" (a prerequisite for any group to perform at Eurovision). In a recent interview for CNN, Israeli prime minister Benjamin Netanyahu raised serious questions about the ability of Colombian people to be flamboyant homosexuals. As we all remember, the best TV show in the history of mankind, Yo soy Betty, la fea, is actually a Colombian show; but that show is so rampantly homophobic that, along with Colombia's brutal machista culture, Israel has concerns about how much Colombians are able to express their gayness at the Eurovision. Netanyahu was quoted as saying: "Colombians are so manly, you can smell their ball sweat from a mile away. No one would take them seriously dancing around on stage in plastic pants singing about forbidden love". (Full article...)

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Did you know... [edit]

... that Burger King briefly attempted to introduce traditional British cuisine in the US? (Pictured)

... that people residing or visiting Canada often ask themselves, "Why am I in Canada?"
... that Jackson Pollock is the Jackson Pollock of painting?
... Altaïr has excelled in the tactics of fooling the mentally challenged?
... that the light at the end of the tunnel is commonly reported to be a strobe light accented with techno?
... that sex in the ear canal is called CANAL (pronounced like anal but with a C in the beginning)?
... that a drummer is someone who hangs out with musicians?
... that Richard Nixon was well-known for his honesty and often referred to as Honest Dick?

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In the news [edit]

D.C. stink-bombed by Jihadists and Nazis
Colombia Protests Exclusion from Eurovision; Britney Joins in Support (Pictured)
Ship captain who wrecked Baltimore bridge defeated by Upstate New York bridge
NFL imposes speed limit and bans trick plays
Forecast calls for a leapin' Lousy Smarch weather
Larry David gets Hinkled by Anti-Israel Protesters
Taylor Swift's favorite NFL team wins rigged Super Bowl, big whoop
Elon Musk plants brain chip into first human guinea pig
Climate activists ruin Jackson Pollock painting, no one notices
Stalemate in Ukraine: Zelenskyy flees for greener pastures
Steamboat Willie enters public domain, several Mickey Mouse horror films and games announced
Santa's Elves on strike
UnNews finally able to write obituaries for Shaft, Bull and Chandler
Will Barbenheimer beat JigSaw in his own game?

Ongoing: Russian Invasion · Eurovision
Recent deaths: Akira Toriyama · M. Emmet Walsh · Louis Gossett Jr. · Hype around the eclipse · O. J. Simpson
Upcoming deaths: Kris Kristofferson · Jimmy Carter · Vladimir Putin · The U.S. Federal Budget · Richard Simmons · Kate Middleton · Market demand for White Broncos · God's curse on the Buffalo Bills (..maybe)

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On this day [edit]

"You're going down, "Touch Tits" Malone!" *yodels*

May 9: Unusual Bears Day (Arctic)

1628 - Edict passes in Switzerland requiring all lawyers to deliver evidence by yodeling. (Pictured)
1671 - Pope Clement X is captured by the Queen's Guard while on a visit to England, being mistaken for that guy who stole the crown jewels in a pope costume.
1861 - At the age of seven, Oscar Wilde begins his first job, working as a Witticist's Apprentice in a local Humor Emporium.
1919 - Radical suffragettes burn down factory that makes posters comparing suffragettes to smelly dish rags, constabulary cries, "A step too far, ladies!"
1934 - Anteaters formally name themselves the Aardvark, seeking the lucrative first spot in taxonomy classifications.
1945 - The Americans celebrate single handedly defeating all of Nazi Germany, no thanks rest of the world.
1991 - Small and Medium file a complaint with the U.N. against Large, who claims, "Size does matter".

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Each year, Uluru's paint is refreshed to prepare for the upcoming tourist season.

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