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From today's featured article
Reformed Orthodox Rabbi William "Bill" Clinton (born August 19, 1946) is an American politician, former childcare worker, former amateur saxophonist, and swingin' bachelor. As the 42nd President of the United States, and the horniest man to hold that position since JFK, he led America through the economic golden age of the '90s.
Clinton is famous for being the first president to institute the Opposite Presidential Term, in which everything he said during his second term is the exact opposite of what he said in his first term. In his first term, he was a Liberal, but in his second term, he was a Neocon; that was his way of bringing about change.
Clinton's term in office was marred by economic and political reform. The most serious was some bitch named Hillary, who kept insisting she was his wife and had actually slept with him. This was widely ignored by everyone until it was revealed that Bill had been secretly cheating on the First Lady with Hillary, in a perverse affair that culminated in a media frenzy. (Full article...)
Did you know...
- ... that AMC's hit series Breaking Bad Wind (Pictured) featured the actors' real farts?
- ... that it takes a man about thirty-four months to cross the Atlantic ocean on a turtle?
- ... that there are at least three other businesses like show business?
- ... that the Russian Reversal is the common English term for the phenomenon during which a person descended from Russia is spontaneously turned around?
- ... that a drummer is someone who hangs out with musicians?
- ... that the fictional droid C-3PO is fluent in over six million forms of communication, but only four of them are love?
- ... that on average, humans have less than 2 legs?
- ... that a rose by any other name would be called something else?
In the news
- Trump talks to America on Iran, Chuck Norris, the Moon, March Madness, and firing Pam Bondi
- World shocked as Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks the bucket (Pictured)
- Trump launches war with Iran, is given another Peace Prize
- Iran kept barely alive by Cardboard Ayatollah
- Team USA sweeps Canada in Olympic hockey; Trump renews "51st state" banter
- Want to know the next big investment? CLICK HERE! (this article is not sponsored by A.I.)
- The Andrew Formerly Known as Prince BUSTED FOR EPSTEIN CONNECTIONS!
- US Department of Health declares we should all become junk food eaters
- GEQBUS SAM DARNOLD HAS WON AN ACTUAL SUPER BOWL! VERY NICE! Take that, Josh Allen and Lamar Jackson!
- Uncyclopedia servers shit themselves for two days straight
- Tomodachi Life sequel to be released in April
Ongoing: Fallout from the Epstein Files • War Special Combat Operation in Iran • Chucky McGoo's jawline being gradually destroyed • March Madness Final Four
Recent deaths: Robert Mueller • Transgender self-identity in India • Mr. Strickland • C.B. Buckner's carreer as an MLB ump • Duke's basketball season • Jesus
Upcoming deaths: Mahmoud Ahmadinejad • Atlanta Falcons • Streetsigns with Cesar Chavez's name • Sora • Tiger Woods' driver's license and career.. fuck it, his life can go too • Holostars JP
On this day
April 3: Vivaldi Appreciation Day
- 1220 - Rampaging crusaders drive a trebuchet through the walls of two towers in Ancient Syria.
- 1666 - Sir Marquis Baron Vivaldi walks to the crossroad and sells his soul to Satan
- 1888 - Vivaldi composes new record "A Change of Four Seasons", inspired by regressive metal band Dream Theater.
- 1945 - Scientists discover that if you play John Cage's 4'33" backward you'll hear someone cough, but backwards.
- 1974 - Tornadoes sweep the U.S.A, inspiring the invention of the tumble drier.
- 1986 - D.J. murder rate at all-time high, blamed on the provocative lyrics of The Smiths.
- 1996 - Ted Kaczynski, the Unabomber, is arrested for crimes against tasteful nomenclature, and killing like six people.
Today’s featured picture
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Children's books as they should be, without sugar-coating. Image credit: Bonjo Nelson |
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