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From today's featured article
Hello son. Yes, you, my boy. I've seen you knocking on the doors of those people. Why is not important. So you say you've been brutally raping anyone who answers, but God forgives. Sodomy and murder are simply stepping-stones to be overcome. Well, I would like to help you with this. I do not know how to ask this of someone who's actually listening, so I suppose I'll just come out and say it. Do you know that the world is due to end soon? We said that many times, the last time in 1975. We were wrong before but we're sure we're right now.
No, no, my son. I asked if you accepted Jehovah, not the perverted message that has been filtered through thousands of years of pillaging, murder, corruption, and Apocrypha. No, their heretical teachings are a far cry from the true message of God. We Jehovah's Witnesses, unlike our foolish brethren, do not believe in such foolish things as trinity, gun control, and heavy laxative use. Instead, we preach about how we should all follow God through Jesus Christ. Intelligent Design is of course true because the Bible says so. In this, we are entirely separate and distinct from the Catholic Church. In fact, we are entirely different from any other form of Christianity. We believe that Jesus, eternally begotten of the father (God from God, light from light, true God from true God), died not on a cross but a torture stake, built not only from wood but from the sweat and tears of Vietnamese sweatshop workers. We believe that homosexuality is gay, premarital sex is homosexual, and doing or being either will require intense service to God. Please leave your trousers alone son. Premarital wanking is a sin. So is all wanking. However, only by following us can you gain this providence, as we are the true followers. As a side note, we do not accept gays into the Church. (Full article...)
Did you know...
- ... that Christmas was cancelled in 1984 after an unfortunate accident between Santa and a Boeing 747? (Pictured)
- ... that it is important to tune your Air Guitar constantly, as any dust particles that stick to the complicated arrangement of air will completely deform it?
- ... that one person can change the world, but the admins will probably just revert it?
- ... that less than 10% of the world's cactus population contains gold inside?
- ... that although the effects of alternative medicine are difficult to separate from a placebo, dumb hippies are easy to separate from their money?
- ... that The Great Toilet Paper Famine of 2020 was caused by Uncyclopedians?
- ... that the Japanese have a saying: "A man cannot read the same Wikipedia page twice"? The pages are constantly being edited, and the act of reading it will make you a different person. Therefore, when a man goes back to re-read it, both the text and the man have been changed.
- ... that 'wax-on, wax-off' doesn't help teach kids karate, but just gets your cars waxed, free of charge?
In the news
- The Kremlin: Vladimir Putin "totally didn't participate in a Pride parade, nothing to see here.."
- Donald Trump found GUILTY ON ALL CHARGES (Pictured), soon to debut "prison orange" business suit
- Antarctica becomes embroiled in upside-down flag controversy
- Michael Jackson comes back to life
- Justin Bieber gives birth to a baby, baby, baby, oooh
- Switzerland wins Eurovision
- Netherlands disqualified in final shocker
- YouTube is dead
- D.C. stink-bombed by Jihadists and Nazis
- Colombia Protests Exclusion from Eurovision; Britney Joins in Support
- Ship captain who wrecked Baltimore bridge defeated by Upstate New York bridge
- NFL imposes speed limit and bans trick plays
- Forecast calls for a leapin' Lousy Smarch weather
- Larry David gets Hinkled by Anti-Israel Protesters
- Taylor Swift's favorite NFL team wins rigged Super Bowl, big whoop
- Elon Musk plants brain chip into first human guinea pig
Ongoing: Russian Invasion · Drake-Kendrick Lamar feud · Israel-Hamas conflict
Recent deaths: Dabney Coleman · Kabosu · Richard M. Sherman (Disney musician) · Doug Ingle · Bill Walton · The NBA logo guy
Upcoming deaths: Jimmy Carter · Vladimir Putin · Richard Simmons · Kate Middleton · Market demand for Tesla cars · Drake's sanity
On this day
June 16: World Hunger Appreciation Day
- 1586 - Mary, Queen of Scots drinks tea, foregoes crumpet, is thrown into the Tower of London by Elizabeth I.
- 1858 - Abraham Lincoln famously states that a house divided against itself cannot support itself very well and might very well lean to one side or perhaps fall over.
- 1897 - The United States, jealous of England's cliff lined beaches, officially annexes Hawaii and oppresses the natives.
- 1963 - Communism sends first woman into space. Capitalism sends first chicken sandwich into space. (Pictured)
- 1978 - Newton G. Hardwick of Nantucket steals a box of toothpicks from a local Wal-Mart and goes on a rampage, leaving one person bruised and five more slightly peeved.
- 1996 - Woman visits local bakery that for some inexplicable reason is still in business.
- 2002 - The inventor of the Comic Sans font is bludgeoned to death by graphic designers, it's just a font you monsters.
Today’s featured picture
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Thermopylae was the top selling board game of the 5th Century BCE. Players compete to acquire wealth through stylized politico-economic activity involving the buying, rental, and trading of real estate using play drachma and bartering, whilst gathering groups of Perioikoi and Helots to work your land, as players take turns moving around the board according to the roll of the dice. Image credit: Mhaille |
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