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From today's featured article
Ahhh. Long day of work over. Time to grab that big-ass bowl of vegetable beef barley soup in the fridge.
Bill, you better not have touched my soup again! Like that time you got so drunk you took a whiz in it. Twice. Come to think of it, it was shitty soup. That probably improved it. Not like this one.
Let's see, cake, milk, horse semen, ketchup, monkey, hair roller thingy, soup! Yes! My life is whole again!
Hold on...
Why is my hair roller in here?
Wait...
This horse semen tastes funny. Did you put your semen in here again, Bill?
Don't ask how I know what yours tastes like. We were drunk. Not my fault.
Just a minute...
WHY IS THERE A MONKEY IN MY FUCKING FRIDGE?!? (Full article...)
Did you know...
- ... that Christmas was cancelled in 1984 after an unfortunate accident between Santa and a Boeing 747? (Pictured)
- ... that other people can prevent forest fires too?
- ... that no word in the English language rhymes with the word flucumber?
- ... that neither cows nor foxes can run for governor in Wisconsin?
- ... that much like your cancer-stricken Grandpa, the United Kingdom would rather shit the bed than accept its fate and fade into obscurity?
- ... that two wrongs don't make a right, but two Wrights make an airplane?
- ... that my girlfriend has herpes? Neither did I.
- ... that half of all American schoolchildren graduate in the bottom 50% of their class?
In the news
- Want to know the next big investment? CLICK HERE! (Pictured; this article is not sponsored by A.I.)
- The Andrew Formerly Known as Prince BUSTED FOR EPSTEIN CONNECTIONS!
- US Department of Health declares we should all become junk food eaters
- So.. about that Super Bowl..
- Bad Bunny and TPUSA offer equally heathen, equally crappy halftime shows
- GEQBUS SAM DARNOLD HAS WON AN ACTUAL SUPER BOWL!! VERY NICE! Take that, Josh Allen and Lamar Jackson!
- Next season's Super Bowl revealed to be on Valentine's Day
- Uncyclopedia servers shit themselves for two days straight
- Tomodachi Life sequel to be released in April
- Donald Trump still really, really wants Greenland
- Alaska to pay for damages to Exxon Valdez
Ongoing: Nanny state officials breaching people's privacy rights via enforcing social media bans and digital ID under the pretext of "think of the children!" • Fallout from the Epstein Files • Winter Olympics • r/TheDarnold still having a massive field day • NFL fans experiencing withdrawal symptoms with the season now over
Recent deaths: Lamont • Brad Arnold • NFL season • Lindsay Vonn's leg • Some kid from some movie you probably forgot existed, but had a funny title • James Van Der Beek (Not Dick Van Dyke, Ashley Roberts from the Pussycat Dolls!) • Robert Duvall • Kurt Van Dyke (not Dick) • Jesse Jackson • YouTube • Tom Noonan • McSteamy from Grey's Anatomy (if you're Gen X) or the dad from Euphoria (if you're a Millennial or Gen Z)
Not dead: Dick Van Dyke, who's 100, bitches!! (Not to be confused with James Van Der Beek) • Quinton Reviews
Upcoming deaths: Donald Trump • NYC's economy • Weed • Dick van Dyke, eventually • Dancin' Maduro • Aaron Rodgers' career • Iran's government • The careers of everyone named in the Epstein Files (cough cough Bill and Hillary Clinton) • Travis Kelce • the US government, again • Warner Bros. (?) • A Las Vegas hotel that no one's going to care about
On this day
- 1792 - The Postal Service is first established, celebration ceremony is accidentally rerouted to San Francisco, Spanish California.
- 1872 - After some harsh wind, the Metropolitan Museum of Art opens its first exhibit, a giant pile of toppled over ceiling scaffolding.
- 1877 - Russian ballet Swan Lake is received poorly by critics after show swans descend into the audience and peck their eyes out.
- 1935 - The first woman to set foot in Antarctica wonders what all the fuss was about.
- 1986 - The Soviet Union launches the space station Mir, cosmonauts test whether communism can work in outer space.
- 2016 - A man in Schenectady, New York is the first person to describe someone's opinion as "hot garbage" (Pictured), is given medal for ruining English.
Today’s featured picture
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Exodus 32:
Image credit: Zombiebaron. Zombiebaron. Zombiebaron. |
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