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From today's featured article
“This is one small step for a gentleman, rather too much for working class types, I fear.” – Commodore Terrence Lambert-Simnel
With these words Commodore Terrence Lambert-Simnel (RN retired) became the first man to set foot on the moon. Moments later Group Captain Perkin "Tubby" Warbeck planted the Union Jack in the moon-dust and claimed Earth's only natural satellite for England, for King George and for tax-purposes. Flight Lieutenant Gerald "Stinky" Rawlings stood to attention and saluted through tear-stained eyes from the confines of the command module "Heart of Oak", unable to take part in the actual landing due to a grammar school education.
The story of how these two brave men and their batman came to be 400,000 kilometres from the nearest tea-shop is one of the most inspiring and yet little known tales in modern history. (Full article...)
Did you know...
- ... that you wash your ass not your pussy (Pictured) in the Bidet?
- ... that if we used a language without homonyms, a certain type of pun would be impossible, and thereby much gaiety would be lost?
- ... that while laughter is the best medicine, many cancer patients prefer chemotherapy?
- ... that every time you shoot yourself in the head, someone somewhere in the world dies?
- ... that if Mommy is willing to lie about a freaky old dude who sneaks into children's bedrooms in the middle of the night to eat your cookies and drink your milk, she'll no doubt be willing to deceive you about everything else?
- ... that women are more likely to have a vagina than men?
- ... that the universe is made up of protons, electrons, neutrons and morons?
- ... that if we lose cabin pressure, masks will drop from just above your head? I always get the Richard Nixon mask!
In the news
- Uncyclopedia servers shit themselves for two days straight
- Tomodachi Life sequel to be released in April (Pictured)
- Donald Trump still really, really wants Greenland
- Alaska to pay for damages to Exxon Valdez
- Buffalo Bills owner Terry Pegula proven to be clueless, fires the wrong guy
- Denver Broncos quarterback Bo Nix accidentally curses himself in playoff win
Ongoing: Eurovision Green Room in danger of sexual harassment • The wait for GTA VI and Spaceballs 2 • Larry Sanger's war on Wikipedia • Non-Bears invading Tennessee • Nanny state officials breaching people's privacy rights via enforcing social media bans and digital ID under the pretext of "think of the children!" • New England Patriots fans being insufferable like it's 2016 • r/TheDarnold having a field day • ICE-y chaos in Minnesota • Fallout from the Epstein Files • Winter Olympics
Recent deaths: The MetroCard • Stranger Things • the other Black guy from John Carpenter's The Thing • Bob Weir • Scott Adams • Kianna Underwood • Buffalo Bills', San Francisco 49ers', Houston Texans' and Da Bears' seasons • Bo Nix's ankle • Sean McDermott's Bills tenure • Denver Broncos' and Los Angeles Rams' seasons • Uncyclopedia • Catherine O'Hara • Lamont • Brad Arnold
Not dead: Dick Van Dyke, who's 100, bitches!!
Upcoming deaths: Donald Trump • NYC's economy • Weed • Dick van Dyke, eventually • Netflix • Dancin' Maduro • Aaron Rodgers' career • Iran's government • The careers of everyone named in the Epstein Files (cough cough Bill and Hillary Clinton) • Travis Kelce
On this day
February 8: Royals Named Elizabeth Day
- 1856 BC - Hebrews arrive at the Promised Land, start worshiping Baal, which makes Yahweh totally jealous.
- 1020 BC - Rome is built in 24 hours and 12 minutes.
- 76 AD - Philosopher Octavius Libido publishes his masterpiece, "Indoor Plumbing: the Devil Incarnate", Rome is then destroyed by Typhoid.
- 1587 - Mary, Queen of Scots is executed by Elizabeth I after US Weekly says Mary wore it better.
- 1819 - Mary Shelley creates Dr. Frankenstein, who rebels against his creator by not even calling during the holidays.
- 1952 - Elizabeth II is crowned Queen of the United Kingdom, immediately starts merchandising.
- 2001 - California Adventure declares its independence from Disneyland, establishes its own currency and military.
Today’s featured picture
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Chairman Meow Image credit: Socky |
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