User:Martinultima

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Uncyclopedia is proud to present an exclusive, never before published column by Chuck Norris.

Recently a debate aired on ABC's Nightline pitting popular theists, Ray Comfort and Kirk Cameron, against two reviled atheists from the "Rational" Response Squad, which is also reviled. This testifies to the growing number (30 million people) of fools who profess there is no God. Add to that what I believe is possibly three times that number of functional atheists, those who believe in a God but don't show it (as True Christians® do, by voting Republican, wearing little American flag pins and putting Jesus fish on the tailgates of their pickup trucks), and patriotic Americans in America are facing a new religious horizon in which atheism is becoming a formidable foe.

Shockingly, although the majority of Americans continue to claim to be Christians, a Gallup poll discovered that forty-five percent of the population would support an atheist for President. Such a survey is a clear indication that the secularization of our Christian nation is alive and well. Secularization, if you are not aware, will signal the end of America as we know it. For example, soon the secular government, blinded by their lack of common Christian decency, will (as they did with public schools) banish the Bible from the White House, before banning it in church and eventually outlawing it in your very own home! Will real Americans continue to stand for this outrage? I pray to the Lord, no. (Full article...)

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Did you know...

... that 9/11 (Pictured) was an outside job?

... that vaccinations and computer games combined make a deadly cocktail for autism?
... that while most Popes don't shit in the woods, sometimes bears are Catholic?
... that in some parts of Europe, glory holes are preferred to bidets?
... that the largest collection of human bullshit is located in the United States Congress?
... that rounding up sheep is easiest to the nearest ten?
... that on average, humans have less than 2 legs?
... that suicide is an answer to every problem, just not a very good one?

... that solar flares are actually maritime distress signals launched by astronauts floating in the Sun's vast oceans? (Pictured)

... that dyslexic farmers wear catflaps on their heads?
... that there's more to the 9/11 attacks than the conspiracy theorists would have you believe? Like, way more?
... that you can always pay your credit card bills using your credit card?
... that your opinion does count, but the admins think otherwise?
... that Hitler killed himself out of fear of Soviet capture and torture, not because he saw the gas bill?
... that a bomb shelter is the safest place to hide explosives?
... that bipolar bears are not to be messed with, more-so than polar bears?

... that 9/11 (Pictured) was an outside job?

... that vaccinations and computer games combined make a deadly cocktail for autism?
... that while most Popes don't shit in the woods, sometimes bears are Catholic?
... that in some parts of Europe, glory holes are preferred to bidets?
... that the largest collection of human bullshit is located in the United States Congress?
... that rounding up sheep is easiest to the nearest ten?
... that on average, humans have less than 2 legs?
... that suicide is an answer to every problem, just not a very good one?

... that solar flares are actually maritime distress signals launched by astronauts floating in the Sun's vast oceans? (Pictured)

... that dyslexic farmers wear catflaps on their heads?
... that there's more to the 9/11 attacks than the conspiracy theorists would have you believe? Like, way more?
... that you can always pay your credit card bills using your credit card?
... that your opinion does count, but the admins think otherwise?
... that Hitler killed himself out of fear of Soviet capture and torture, not because he saw the gas bill?
... that a bomb shelter is the safest place to hide explosives?
... that bipolar bears are not to be messed with, more-so than polar bears?

... that 9/11 (Pictured) was an outside job?

... that vaccinations and computer games combined make a deadly cocktail for autism?
... that while most Popes don't shit in the woods, sometimes bears are Catholic?
... that in some parts of Europe, glory holes are preferred to bidets?
... that the largest collection of human bullshit is located in the United States Congress?
... that rounding up sheep is easiest to the nearest ten?
... that on average, humans have less than 2 legs?
... that suicide is an answer to every problem, just not a very good one?

... that solar flares are actually maritime distress signals launched by astronauts floating in the Sun's vast oceans? (Pictured)

... that dyslexic farmers wear catflaps on their heads?
... that there's more to the 9/11 attacks than the conspiracy theorists would have you believe? Like, way more?
... that you can always pay your credit card bills using your credit card?
... that your opinion does count, but the admins think otherwise?
... that Hitler killed himself out of fear of Soviet capture and torture, not because he saw the gas bill?
... that a bomb shelter is the safest place to hide explosives?
... that bipolar bears are not to be messed with, more-so than polar bears?

... that 9/11 (Pictured) was an outside job?

... that vaccinations and computer games combined make a deadly cocktail for autism?
... that while most Popes don't shit in the woods, sometimes bears are Catholic?
... that in some parts of Europe, glory holes are preferred to bidets?
... that the largest collection of human bullshit is located in the United States Congress?
... that rounding up sheep is easiest to the nearest ten?
... that on average, humans have less than 2 legs?
... that suicide is an answer to every problem, just not a very good one?

Archive – Suggest new entries

In the news

World shocked as Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks the bucket (Pictured)
Trump launches war with Iran, is given another Peace Prize
Team USA sweeps Canada in Olympic hockey; Trump renews "51st state" banter
Want to know the next big investment? CLICK HERE! (this article is not sponsored by A.I.)
The Andrew Formerly Known as Prince BUSTED FOR EPSTEIN CONNECTIONS!
US Department of Health declares we should all become junk food eaters
GEQBUS SAM DARNOLD HAS WON AN ACTUAL SUPER BOWL! VERY NICE! Take that, Josh Allen and Lamar Jackson!
Uncyclopedia servers shit themselves for two days straight
Tomodachi Life sequel to be released in April
Donald Trump still really, really wants Greenland
Alaska to pay for damages to Exxon Valdez

Ongoing: Fallout from the Epstein Files • ~~War~~ Special Combat Operation in Iran • Saturn Awards • Chucky McGoo's jawline being gradually destroyed • Impossibly long lines at American airports

Recent deaths: Miami Dolphins, twice • That guy from Boston. The band, not the city. But isn't the band from the city? • Chuck Norris doesn't fuckin' die, the hospital survived Chuck Norris • Buffy • Xander Harris • Robert Mueller

Upcoming deaths: Dancin' Maduro • Iran • Mahmoud Ahmadinejad • Atlanta Falcons • Streetsigns with Cesar Chavez's name • TSA agents' bank accounts and sanity

On this day...

March 22: World Water Day

1621 - The Pilgrims promise the Indians that they're just peaceful settlers here to eat corn and wear lily white breeches.
1874 - Slavery is abolished in Puerto Rico, replaced with mandatory sugarcane harvest fun time.
1945 - The Arab League are formed to guarantee peace in the region for the next several minutes.
1993 - The United Nations passes a resolution to conserve fresh water (Pictured), tells Americans to shit on the floor instead of on the toilet.
2013 - My Chemical Romance disbands, Gerard Way pursues solo career, apparently.
2016 - Carl's Jr. ordered by FCC to end "sexy" ad campaign because too many viewers just want to fuck the burger.
2018 - Water bottle companies start selling diluted drain cleaner as Alkaline Water.

View tomorrow – More anniversaries...

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The future of proctology isn't in your hands, your hands are in it.

Image credit: Serge Billault
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Recent Articles

Writer and Noob of the Month

Holy cock! We may have forgotten to update these over these last few months. The days we missed could be counted as few as if at all. We have just updated this since last May. How awesome!

So basically, let's get to business. Take off your pants; IFYMB! wins Writer of the Month for September 2014. His hit singles include the frankly libellous UnNews:Nude photos of celebrities leaked, the almost-topical UnDebate:What does the fox say? and the spiritually upliftingUnNews:Thursday is a dirty whore.

Let us all clap for him because I said so.

Do not pull your pants up just yet. We got a Uncyclopedian of the Month award winner up in here! Give it up for Leverage!

Since there is no winner for the Noob of the Moment, you are all now noobs. There are a couple of long-running nominations, but they are stuck there, like foetuses in suspended animation, and I fear for their souls.

Vote for Writer of the Month | Vote for Noob of the Moment | Vote for Uncyclopedian of the Month | Past Winners

Martinultima’s Scratchboard
In the same vein as Slate Industry in Wales: “Postage stamps of Ireland are the postage stamps issued by the postal authority of the independent Irish state.” – Captain Obvious on Wikipedia's featured article on August 14, 2007 Get Franklinstein here VFP-ready: And get Franklinstein here VFH-ready...
Add New Post	Edit Posts

My Latest Articles

Benjamin Franklinstein	PEE	VFH
Jolt Cola	PEE	-

Update Table

Complete Bibliography

8/3/2007	Benjamin Franklinstein – Norelco, you betrayed me! Time for plan B...
7/22/2007	Norelco (obviously this is a personal favorite now)
7/21/2007	UnNews:J.K. Rowling reveals title for Harry Potter 8! (been waiting to post this since 2005!) Not my best, but apparently VFH'd anyway. Kudos to User:Sonic80 for being my one supporter here. Note that that bit about Homer Simpson (and, well, that other thing) was not my idea, but oh well. Oh, and screw you, Michael Gerber.
7/4/2007	Benjamin Franklinstein
7/4/2007	Jolt Cola (rewrite) Includes Image:Benjamin Franklinstein.jpg
7/3/2007	Norelco – pee review, resubmit (philosophy + shaving? bad combination...) Also comes with Image:Mona Lisa Razor.jpg and Image:Occam's Razor in Action.jpg, yours free with paid order!
6/26/2007	The Human Element – waiting for pee review
6/19/2007	Image:American idols got talent.png. I hate that show.
2/15/2007	Geocities (I think this is where I put in {{:Me}})
2/10/2007	National Federation of the Blond (started, but needs a lot more blond jokes)
2/9/2007	UnNews:National Federation of the Blond: "Dye your hair, you're in danger!"
2/5/2007	Image:Thyspace.png (for Thyspace)
2/5/2007	Captain Omnipotent (section: Weaknesses + pic)
1/18/2007	Jolt Cola
1/16/2007	UnNews:Scientist experimenting on coffee arrested for blowing up universe
6/3/2006	Minimalist talk page
6/3/2006	Deep Note
3/4/2006	Geocities (really crappy original version)
1/9/2006	I Fucking Hate the Bermuda Triangle (added line: ships and planes...with chips on plates)
11/30/2005	Celine Dionide
11/20/2005	Image:Palpatines guide to facial care.jpg
11/3/2005	UnPoetia:Norbert Percy Tangleknickers