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From today's featured article 

UnNews' smartests minds freak out after Polaris disappears..png

WASHINGTON D.C. -- Horror was brought to NASA's headquarters as the north star, also known as Polaris, had suddenly vanished this night. Outcry has spread across the world, as compasses are exploding everywhere, as their only source of direction has unexpectedly disappeared. The subspecies of human known as "flat earthers" claim this as a victory against the globists, although their statements are complete and utter bullshit.

Now, for our non-space fans here, fucking shoot yourself. Why would you read an article about the North Star disappearing... if you don't know about it? But for the majority of you non-space fans who haven't shot themselves, the description of what the north star is... well, in the name. It's a star aligned perfectly north. If we get rid of it... NO MORE NORTH!

... anyways ... (Full article...)

Did you know... 

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  • ...that Santa sees you while you're sleeping, and he knows when you're awake?
  • ... that the average human male between the ages of 18 and 42 has thought about sex with Brad Pitt at least once?
  • ... that the oozy, off-colored mound of bloody what-ever-it-is stretching its way out of what used to be a tiny hole is a baby's head?
  • ... that Ben Stiller's face makes everything funny?
  • ... that in Spanish, "chinga tu madre" means "have a nice day"? Tell your friends!
  • ... that Earth is the best planet in the world?
  • ... that a very large number of events, both noteworthy and non-noteworthy, occurred in 1993?

In the news 

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"BOMBOCLAAAAAT!"

Ongoing: The wait for GTA VI, Stranger Things 5 and Spaceballs 2 • Russia-Ukraine "peace talks" • ICE/Antifa clashes • Trump and Elon's couples therapy • Jerry Jones screwing the Dallas Cowboys • Pregnant moms taking Tylenol to give their babies "autism powers" • The Andrew Formerly Known as PrinceRepublicans and rich people fleeing NYC

Recent deaths: YouTube player's old design • the guitarist and a security guard from KISSJune LockhartNick MangoldJamaica, at the hands of Hurricane MelissaToronto Blue Jays' World Series dreams • Donna GodchauxDiane LaddDick Cheney • U.S. Government shutdown (finally!) • Tatsuya NakadaiSally Kirkland

Upcoming deaths: Eurovision Song ContestDEIIran's nuclear program • Diddy's bank account • MSNBCDonald Trump • Aforementioned Tylenol moms • Mark Butt-fumble's career • Coral reefsThe economy of Capitalism in NYCBills Mafia's livers and kidneys after losing horribly to the Miami DolphinsWeed

On this day 

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November 13: Quack Like a Duck Day

  • 7573 BC - Hermes and Aphrodite have a lovely bouncing boy, Hermaphroditus.
  • 832 - Saint Anselm is permabanned from the Vatican for setting fire to the Pope.
  • 1972 - Mediocre Britain votes on whether to join the Europe Community, turnout low, result 6-4.
  • 1978 - While starring in an open-air production of Shakespeare's Henry V, Sir John Gielgud is carried off by a hunting kingfisher. He is found unharmed some hours later, having tricked the bird into incubating his egg-like head.
  • 1990 - The first webcomic is launched, entitled Two Sarcastic Badgers and Some Clipart.
  • 2007 - The Gummy Bear™ album gets released in stores much to the exhilaration of a quarter of Earth's population.

Picture of the day

American Imperialism
Though the United States' new strategy in Iraq has proven effective at routing insurgent rebels, it has done little to relieve the stigma of what many perceive as American imperialism.

Image credit: Thetoastman
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