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From today's featured article
John Marshall was a professional floor-is-lava player who lasted 34 years until he touched the floor and died. He played on the Supreme Court team and had the role of the fourth Chief Justice, which he served for three point four decades before dying. He arrogantly held the role and thought no one else was good enough to wear a robe and scream "constitutional law" at people. Marshall even copyrighted black bathrobes, so anyone who wanted the role would instantly have to pay Marshall $97.99 (plus shipping and tax). He was famous for vastly improving the Supreme Court team by inventing the established judicial review move. This allowed the Supreme Court team to respond 
to any attacks by the Congress team, making them a worthy team. (Full article...)
Did you know...
- ... that Canadian baseball (Pictured) is a thing?
- ... that neither cows nor foxes can run for governor in Wisconsin?
- ... that Bill Cosby and Bing Crosby are the same person?
- ... that a camel's boobies are on its back?
- ... that cutting off your hands, nose, and head reduces the spread of germs by 100%?
- ... that food is probably the most addictive substance known to man? Withdrawal symptoms include nausea, hallucinations and possibly death?
- ... that the rumors that you are paranoid were started by someone who's out to get you?
- ... that the rumors that you are paranoid were started by someone who's out to get you?
In the news
- So.. about that Super Bowl..
- Bad Bunny and TPUSA offer equally heathen, equally crappy halftime shows
- GEQBUS SAM DARNOLD HAS WON AN ACTUAL SUPER BOWL!! VERY NICE! Take that, Josh Allen and Lamar Jackson!
- Uncyclopedia servers shit themselves for two days straight
- Tomodachi Life sequel to be released in April (Pictured)
- Donald Trump still really, really wants Greenland
- Alaska to pay for damages to Exxon Valdez
- Buffalo Bills owner Terry Pegula proven to be clueless, fires the wrong guy
- Denver Broncos quarterback Bo Nix accidentally curses himself in playoff win
Ongoing: Eurovision Green Room in danger of sexual harassment • The wait for GTA VI and Spaceballs 2 • Larry Sanger's war on Wikipedia • Non-Bears invading Tennessee • Nanny state officials breaching people's privacy rights via enforcing social media bans and digital ID under the pretext of "think of the children!" • ICE-y chaos in Minnesota • Fallout from the Epstein Files • Winter Olympics • Seattle flooding the streets with Starbucks coffee to celebrate the Seahawks' win • New England Patriots fans hiding in a corner after being exposed • r/TheDarnold having a MASSIVE field day
Recent deaths: the other Black guy from John Carpenter's The Thing • Bob Weir • Scott Adams • Kianna Underwood • Uncyclopedia • Catherine O'Hara • Lamont • Brad Arnold • NFL season • New England Patriots fans' insufferability, for now • Lindsay Vonn's leg
Not dead: Dick Van Dyke, who's 100, bitches!!
Upcoming deaths: Donald Trump • NYC's economy • Weed • Dick van Dyke, eventually • Netflix • Dancin' Maduro • Aaron Rodgers' career • Iran's government • The careers of everyone named in the Epstein Files (cough cough Bill and Hillary Clinton) • Travis Kelce
On this day
February 11: Glorious Nippon Steel Day
- 660 BC - Japan is founded after Amaterasu, Goddess of the Sun, uses the leftovers made from creating South Korea and China.
- 1889 - The Japanese Constitution is written, grants every citizen the right to work until fatal exhaustion, and the right to die lonely and afraid.
- 1979 - Iran is reformed as an Islamic theocracy, Ayatollah Khomeini bans neckties, brussels sprouts, and looking people in the eye.
- 1990 - Nelson Mandela is released from prison after 27 years, goes on an insane drug-fueled bender before resuming his South African Gandhi imitation.
- 2001 - E-mail which looks like a computer virus ends up being just a picture of tennis player Anna Kournikova.
- 2017 - North Korean ballistic missile headed for Japan deftly dispatched by Katana expert and anime aficionado (Pictured), who teleported behind the rogue ICBM and sliced it in half.
Picture of the day
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In an effort to extend its presence to areas that were previously only covered by UnNews, Fox News has founded a subsidiary in Middle Earth to stay competitive on the misinformation provider market. Image credit: Kharpert |
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