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From today's featured article
Are you the kind of person who is interested in telling other people what to do? Easily swayed by religious texts? Have an itchy trigger finger and a fondness for big red buttons? Do you have a pulse? If you answered yes to any of these questions then you might be the kind of person who'd enjoy being President of the United States! It's true, just about anybody can be President. The guy pictured on the right is no more qualified than your milkman or some random guy on the street, yet he made it to President and is having the time of his life. That could be you! Becoming President will not be easy though, so this handy guide is here to help you every step of the way. (Full article...)
Did you know...
- ... that your nipples (Pictured) can fall off?
- ... that a simile is like a metaphor? And hyperbole is the greatest thing ever?
- ... there's a ninja behind you but it left when you turned around?
- ... that there's more to the 9/11 attacks than the conspiracy theorists would have you believe? Like, way more?
- ... that Uncyclopedia is riddled with subliminal messages? DRINK COCA COLA
- ... that wearing a Top Hat is not only a sound fashion choice, it gives you somewhere to hide candy?
- ... that 90% of all video game high scores are set by one guy called "AAA"?
- ... that every single day, we breathe enough air to continue living?
In the news
- Phil Collins comes out of retirement after wank
- PBS and NPR to lose funding
- Spain and Portugal experience a country-wide blackout
- Sportswriter Leon Sandcastle gives his two cents on NFL draftee Shedeur Sanders's draft slide (Pictured)
- Trump believes that 200 countries negotiated trade deals with him
- Man delivers profound philosophical speech about elephants during his sojourn at the zoo
- Upcoming South Park season will be Canadian
- World shocked as Pope Francis kicks bucket (This is not a drill!)
- Chris Rock will succeed him in new comedy Head of Church
- Trump Administration prepares to deport everybody except Native Americans
- New Easter Bunny is a fascist
Ongoing: The wait for GTA VI, Silksong, and Deltarune • Eurovision • Russian Invasion • Israel-Palestine conflict • DOGE budget cuts • SWAT teams on guard for the "chicken jockey" scene of A Minecraft Movie • Trump and Xi's tariff games • The IRS hunting late tax payers
Recent deaths: Jay North • SPOILER: Joel • Pope Francis • Shedeur Sanders' career, before it even started • Lar Park Linkin • Gawr Gura • Toxicity • Girl-kisser and Harriet the Spy soundtrack artist Jill Sobule • Ruth Buzzi • LeBron James' playoff run
Upcoming deaths: U.S. and Global economy • Luigi Mangione • Kate Middleton • Laura Palmer • DEI • Google's ad monopoly • Cleveland Browns' locker room • LeBron James' career • Diddy's chance at freedom
On this day
May 5: Cinco de Mayonnaise (Mexico)
- 1862 - Mexico defeats France in a drawn-out game of Risk.
- 1893 - New York Stock Exchange crashes, has its driving privileges suspended for a year.
- 1900 - Queen Victoria declares that the fish fork is henceforth the official favored piece cutlery of Great Britain.
- 1925 - Tennessee biology teacher John Scopes is arrested for teaching electrocution in school; is forced to teach evolution instead.
- 1927 - The government of South Africa declares those African clicky noises to be an official language. "It's called isiXhosa!" they click.
- 1989 - The United States takes some obscure Mexican holiday and fills it with cheesy gorditas. Yum!
- 2014 - Greeks protest austerity, bad weather and the pebble stuck inside their left sock.
- 2016 - Imprisoned crime lord Joaquín "El Chapo" Guzmán receives an infamous "salted handy." ¡Ayayay!
Picture of the day
A Sumo wrestler dealing his opponent the finishing blow. Image credit: Okochama |
Other areas of Uncyclopedia
- How to be funny and not just stupid – for help with that comedy thing
- Policies and guidelines – for the boring rules no one follows
- Formatting – for help on editing
- Requested articles – for inspiration, or lack thereof
- Village Dump – to throw angry invectives at other users
- Community portal – for general community shenanigans
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