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From today's featured article [Feature an article]

[The Teletubbies are eating their custard breakfast]

LAA-LAA: How many pounds of custard are we talkin' here?

DIPSY: We're talking, like... at least 500 pounds of custard in that vault.

TINKY WINKY: No shit? That's a whole lot of fuckin' custard. That would do wonders for our business, man.

PO: You guys remember that motherfucker, Noo-Noo? Little vacuum thing? Baby Sun told me he's already got information regarding the joint.

TINKY WINKY: Noo-Noo? We worked with him once and I nearly fuckin' died cause of it, remember? His goddamn battery started overheating and he almost exploded! How can we be sure he's reliable for a job as big as this?

(Full article...)

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Did you know... [edit]

... that the classic fairy tale Hansel and Gretel was blamed for hundreds of accidental deaths involving elderly women being pushed into ovens by children? (Pictured)

... that Afghanistan is known for its lush dirt farms, where dirt and dust are cultivated by villagers to enhance the scenic emptiness for which the region is known?
... that the world will beat a path to your door if you build a better Mousetrap?
... that when it says "Do not try at home", it actually means "Do not try this at all"?
... that the American Civil War was actually marked by many instances of uncivil behavior?
... that sovereign citizens have all the rights of U.S citizens, without having to follow any of the laws?
... that neither cows nor foxes can run for governor in Wisconsin?
... that every single day, we breathe enough air to continue living?

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In the news [edit]

Ship captain who wrecked Baltimore bridge defeated by Upstate New York bridge (Pictured)
NFL imposes speed limit and bans trick plays
Forecast calls for a leapin' Lousy Smarch weather
Larry David gets Hinkled by Anti-Israel Protesters
Taylor Swift's favorite NFL team wins rigged Super Bowl, big whoop
Elon Musk plants brain chip into first human guinea pig
Climate activists ruin Jackson Pollock painting, no one notices
Stalemate in Ukraine: Zelenskyy flees for greener pastures
Steamboat Willie enters public domain, several Mickey Mouse horror films and games announced
Santa's Elves on strike
UnNews finally able to write obituaries for Shaft, Bull and Chandler
Will Barbenheimer beat JigSaw in his own game?

Ongoing: Russian Invasion · ABBA
Recent deaths: Akira Toriyama · M. Emmet Walsh · Louis Gossett Jr. · Hype around the eclipse · O. J. Simpson
Upcoming deaths: Kris Kristofferson · Jimmy Carter · Vladimir Putin · The U.S. Federal Budget · Richard Simmons · Kate Middleton · Market demand for White Broncos · God's curse on the Buffalo Bills (..maybe)

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On this day [edit]

April 26: Hyperbole Day!

1764 - Hyperbole day founded in the most spectacular ceremony since the dawn of time.
1834 - The best day in all of history! There'll never ever be another day like it! It's amazing! Not like I'd tell you, though.
1901 - President Teddy Roosevelt mounts his wife: BULLY!
1965 - The mildest day in the history of the universe. No other day was as mild. Ever. Aside from the racism.
1983 - The worst day in the history of the universe, God himself mourns. (Pictured)
1986 - Ronald Reagan stays awake for an entire cabinet meeting! Good job, Mr. President! Let the void take you!
2016 - The best night I've ever had. Ever! It felt so good! Say goodbye to cats!

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Picture of the day

Windows XP is a reliable computer program, as shown here.

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