History of Great Britain

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Great Britain or to give it's official title, The United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland, The Low Tax Islands, the No Tax Islands, Rockall and Gibraltar etc.. is an ancient state located just off the coast of France where on a clear day you can see the Off-White Cliffs of Dover welcoming unwary visitors like a row of yellow teeth.

Geologically speaking until about 8,000 years ago it was actually part of France, a strange fact of life that the British don't care to remember too much. Nor that even the name 'Great Britain' ('Grande Bretagne' in French) was also a French invention so that no one would get confused with Little Britain (Petite Bretagne) which is now better known as Brittany. Historically best known as the home of men in berets cycling with onions hanging off the handlebars, the locals there are now best know for their religious devotion to St.Brittany, patron saint of Melt Down Music Divas.

Prehistoric Britain

The First Briton?

The first Briton was Swanscombe Man.<ref>Though, technically speaking, there was no first Briton. Scientists have proved you can neither create nor destroy Britons.<ref> His skull was found when the huge Bluewater shopping centre was built on the outskirts of London. He was probably the first inhabitant of what became Great Britain, but there wasn't much to go on regarding his culture, as only part of a skull, a collection of mammoth teeth and beer bottles were found on the site. (The latter may be what archeologists call an anomaly and not a period object.) Swanscombe Man seems to have died when he forgot to salt the path outside his hut, as the last great Ice Age came hurtling down from the North Pole and encased everything in ice. He probably died on his way to go out and complain to the local council "about the state of the pathways."

Stonehenge

Following the end of the Ice Age, the first Britons arrived, concealed in secret compartments inside hay carts. They quickly spread throughout the island, hunting, spearing, gutting and generally inflicting death on the native wildlife.

Some settled and built villages out of anything that came to hand, mostly mud and shopping bags from Tesco. Others built a gated community, showing the first signs of class distinction. This site would come to be known as Stonehenge, though most of it has since disappeared into car boots of various later visitors (hence Stonehenge's current construction-site look).

A typical druid

Celts/Celtic/Keltic/Woad Warriors

After Pytheas left, the Celts arrived from Belgium; hence their name, the Belgic Celts. They lived mainly on truffles and surrealism, but also introduced the hobby of head collection. It was also a time for Druids too. No one is sure what they did, except that it was so disgustingly cruel that the Romans would later kill them all, even though, for the Romans, disgusting cruelty was public policy.

Roman Britain

My Name is Caesar and I Claim This Land for the Roman Empire

The story goes that Julius Caesar got the idea to go to Britannia in 55 B.C. when he misread a holiday brochure which claimed Britain is the Land of Sun, Sea and Beach Parties. He joined a party of equally misguided Roman legionaries who thought they were going on a 30-18 holiday (dates are back to front as we are still in B.S. here, 'Before Soap'). So when they unhappy tourists arrived on the shores, it was absolutely pissing down and all the gift shops were shut. The pleasures of bucket and spade on a stone strewn beach soon paled.

What Caesar did find was a population covered in blue paint or woad , though in fact it was so bloody cold , the Britons were bright blue anyway. Even more surprisingly, the locals stripped naked to intimidate Caesar and his army. This was enough for the Romans who left in a hurry though Caesar had to come back the following year as some cheeky Briton had stolen his monogrammed suitcase containing his only copy of the The Gallic Wars and postcard invitation to meet Cleopatra on a couch in Egypt.

The Romans kept away from Britannia until 43 A.D. when the Roman Emperor Claudius wanted a cheap vacation from the fleshpots of Rome and his oversexed wife. Not being a natural sun lounger, Britannia suited the emperor who decided to put in a bid for the whole island and got it for a virtually nothing. There wasn't that much resistance to Roman rule. Caractacus and Boadicca from Grantham were about the only two to seriously object. Caractacus upset the Romans by trying to play rugby with their severed heads but was defeated and dragged off to Rome. There he was pardoned and became Britannia's Imperial Commissioner. The Grantham born Queen Boudicca of the Mr Softie-Iceni-Screamy tribal confederation was more dangerous. She led a revolt against the Romans whilst they were in Wales trying to stamp out Druids and the causes of Druidism. Her immediate targets were any Britons who had taken up Roman customs like having baths, cutting their hair and shaving off their beards. Same also for the men as well. In a series of dawn raids, her army sacked Londonium where in a bureacratic oversight, the local mayor had forgotton to fortify the city. Soon the city was awash with the blood of the toga clad, arrogant Romans and their British lackeys. Eventually the Romans got a grip and Boudicca was beaten. She herself disappeared, it said to a secret chamber where she will awake again the next British freedom is compromised by deals with foreigners across the ocean.

So in this very haphazard way, Britannia became part of the Roman Empire , or as it now called the European Union. The bit further north, the celts there refused to join in the civilization party and became known as the Pricks (or Picts, as ever names were a bit loosely applied in those days). The Picts kept to their ancient ways and in time forgot they had ever been Britons or had once worse trousers instead of kilts. A future cultural divide in Great Britain was underway.

For the rest of the British, enforced union with Imperial Europa meant giving up their their proud local currency of parboiled noggins and bits of string. The Romans instead insisted their new subjects accept worthless gold coins otherwise known as the Euro-Denarius and to start learning Latin as the local language was incomprehensible and included too many Blue Druid jokes.

Romans Decide They Don't Living in Britannia After All

No sooner had the Romans moved into Britannia, taking over jobs and proving competitively priced plumbers (a bit of an open goal as the ancient Britons preferred their water fresh from the cess pit), they were gone in 400 years. The Romans left a note on the kitchen table and said they had to go back to Rome to save their kinsmen from an outbreak of Visigoth Flu. They never came back, not even to fix a dripping tap or unblock a toilet. Naturally after this experience the British equated sanitation with 'filthy foreign ways' and preferred to remain dirt encrusted until the 19th century.

The Britons were left on their own but centuries of namby-pamby Roman imperialism had turned them all soft and dependent on welfare and poetry. They were ripe for a different cultural experience even if meant being cleaved in two by a wave of hairy arsed pagans from Germany.

Dark Ages

Anglo-Saxon Platitudes

With the Romans gone, the local British decided they needed someone else to help run the place and so put an advert in the Anglo-Saxon Chronicle asking for home help, gardeners and child minders. Being now sort of Christian as well, the British naively believed that only about 500 'Angloids' would forsake their homes in Germany and come over. In fact the Angels so liked the idea of moving away from boring Germany with it's lack of native humour and fondness of being so tidy, the entire tribe came over, along with a lot of Saxons and the rather twee Jutes who were so fussy about moving that they insisted in settling in Kent and the Isle of Wight as these places 'had a touch of class'. What the Britons also didn't know was that all the new immigrants were impressively and enthusiastic pagan who just seemed to go very wild when they saw a nice rich church with its plump and overdressed bishops. To rub in their contempt, the Saxons would set up a stage in the churchyard, plug in their guitars and play some Hot Heathen Heavy Metal songs like Woden Woz 'Ere , Axe Head In Your Back and The Immigrant Song. The British (or the 'Wallies' or 'Welsh' as the English called them because they were stupid and didn't appreciate a good meaty Germanic tune or two) , fled to the west of the island to mope about their lost lands. In contrast to the English, the Welsh turned to singing ballads about wimpy heroes like King Arthur and Merlin and His Magic Mushrooms.

Rome Sticks Its Oar In Again: The coming of Christianity

In 597 Pope Gregory the Great decided to take a rest from his chanting and noticed there was an opportunity to expand Catholic Rome. He was told the nominally Christian Celts had made no effort to send missionaries to convert the Anglo-Saxons, being still sore about losing their lands to the 'Sassanach Scum' earlier. Sensing a spiritual business opportunity, Pope Gregory asked a priest known as Augustine to get a team of crack Christians (the C Squad) to get tooled up and head north out of Italy.

Kent was a pretty easy conversion, the locals there had long fancied themselves as civilized pagans compared to their neighbours. So Augustine who didn't fancy staying in England any longer, sent another team to Northumbria where the local King Edwin said 'he would give Christianity a go'. It got him a nice fat biographical entry from the Venerable Bede but a spear through his back from the local Welsh King Cadwallon He was also a Christian and had been mightly peeved that Rome hadn't asked him about the religious affiliations of the local Saxons. However he was speared in turn the following year and any chance the Welsh had to boot the English out was over.

An Offa You Can't Refuse

With names like Eadwald, Eadbad, Eadshit etc, it's very easy to get bored reading about the English kings and their unpunable names until we get to King Offa of Mercia, an English king who based his capital at the Bull Ring Shopping Centre in Birmingham. He ruled in the 8th century and was the first English king to write long love letters to Charlemagne asking for respect and nice gifts. He also sent Christian missionaries back to the old Anglo-Saxon lands in Germany to spread the Christian word which was basically 'Convert Or Die You Pagan Bastard'.

Offa also liked ditches and dykes. In the former he liked to bury enemies and the latter he openly welcomed to court where they were trained into an elite guard. He posted them along the border with Wales where they were known as 'Offa's Dykes' and were a formidable legion of battle trained lesbians. They also liked to dig out ditches where love struck Welshmen who had tried to cross over the border to make merry with the Offa's Amazons were dispatched without benefit of clergy - or their testicles. The latter were sent to Offa as trophies where he held court in place that was then known as the Bull Dyke Ring, or Bull Ring today.

We're The Vikings And We Need Your Nuns

By the 790s, the Anglo-Saxons had got complacent about the security of their lands. The Celts had proved to be easy punchbags when it came to stealing land and shoving them up into Wales or down in Cornwall. The Picts were no more trouble either as they fighting against a nation from Ireland with an identity crisis - the Scots. So when in 793 a strange fleet turned up on the island Lindisfarne where the Monks spent most of their time drawing pretty pictures on bibles, no one was really alarmed until the visitors decided to fillet the holy men and asked where the virgins were kept. When told they lived in nunneries, the visitors crossed over to the nearby Northumbrian coast and ravaged,raped and refused to pay a service tip at the local inhabitants. The Vikings had arrived.

The Anglo-Saxon Chronicle denounced the invaders as 'Pagan Scum' and demanded government action. This was a bit difficult as the Anglo-Saxons hadn't bothered to reconstruct the society they had trashed three centuries earlier and had preferred to live in mud rather than to re-occupy the old Roman cities. Many of the local rulers or kings remained keener in getting one over their neighbours rather than take on the Vikings who seemed to be a difficult to team to beat. Others went on with the Celt bashing until in 866 a huge invasion fleet came across the North Sea with the plan to turn the whole place into New Vikingland.

Pretty quickly, the other Anglo-Saxons threw in the towel and changed their vocabulary to sound more like Norsemen than Englishman (the origins of the division between the Hard Northern English and the Soft Soppy Southerners that continues to this day). Only in Wessex to the Saxons put up a fight. Lead at first by Ethel, a monarch of uncertain gender (also known as Ethel the Red or Ethelred) , they were forced to flee from the Vikings and decided to hide out in Somerset where the cider was cheaper and the cream teas less expensive than in Devon. Some had to earn their living as pastry cooks until finally Ethel's brother Alfred got offended by some coarse Viking customers and declared he was going to liberate Anglo-Saxony - or, England as he now called the land.

How Not To Bake Cakes the Alfred Way

Alfred hadn't expected to become a resistance leader and had hoped to marry a nun and start his own mixed sex monastery in Glastonbury. However it wasn't to be, and the English who were glad to have someone as their King with an easier to remember (and spell name) rallied around Alfred. Even when he celebrated each victory against the vikings by baking Alfred's Home Made Cakes , the people of England were too polite to get up from the table and stick two fingers down their throat to remove the offensive pastry from their stomachs.

Eventually with a lot of mutual killing, the Vikings agreed that Alfred was someone they had to respect. So they agreed to split England into two. They called their bit Danelaw and agreed to jump in a river and get baptised to please the church. The Vikings also got Londonium though it was a bit of a ruin and unattractive to stay in after dark, Alfred called his territory Ingerlund but blotted his signature so that in later centuries read the name he chose as England. Such is the way of historical accidents.

As is the way with unwanted neighbours, the local Vikings kept throwing their rubbish over the fence, so Alfred declared war and annexed London and East Anglia. He also made the decision to make Londonium his capital city and invited banks, dodgy Byzantine Investment companies and Corporate Raiders there to 'spice up the place'. It worked and London became once again a real city after its long years of obscurity.

From Rock Steady to The Unready

Alfred just failed to see in the fireworks for 900 A.D. He was succeeded by his son Edward the Elder (or was it Alder, as in the tree). When Edward died, his son Athelstan (which means Rock Steady Stan in modern English) became King. He conquered the rest of Danelaw and found time to take on the Celts, Vikings, Irish and just about anyone else he didn't like the cut of their beard in a battle in 937 at a place known then as Brunanburh , or as it now known, the Athelstan Shopping Centre though its location remains unknown even now.

Following that great victory, the next prize was to finally take Jorvik, the capital of the Vikings kingdom in Yorkshire. At first it was difficult for the English to find Jorvik as the Vikings had changed its name from Eoforwic to Jorvik when they seized it back in 866 A.D. Finally in a battle against the charmingly named Erik Bloodaxe (a former death metal bassist with Harald Bluetooth and the Viking Vibrators), the English were victors and Erik was strangled with his guitar strings. England was united once more though the northerners insisted in speaking in their own language (and they still do).

However then the ruling dynasty produced a total dud of a king - this one called Ethelred the Unready. After allowing his mother to kill his half brother Edward the Bloody Martyr, King Ethelred was a total wuss when it came dealing with the renewed threat from the Vikings. Moreover, instead of coming to England like outlaws, these new invaders were kings in their own countries of Norway and Denmark. To keep them coming over, Ethelred tried to pay them off with government bonds and promises to slash state spending. However he was soon forced to resort to the Danegeld Tax, one that meant the Anglo-Saxons had to find enough castrated Great Dane dogs to be shipped back to Copenhagen. When he ran out of dogs, Ethelred then suggested that everyone to go out of the hovels and slaughter everyone who looked a bit Viking. So with great wisdom he had Princess Gunhilde of Denmark who was in England as an exchange-hostage student killed which meant he now made a mortal enemy of her brother King Sweyn the Fokking Forkbeardy of Denmark.

After the Middle Ages

1509-1601 - Let's start a new church up

In 1509 Henry VIII became King of England. Henry was a tough young man and staunch Catholic and when the Protestants tried to import their crazy new ideas into England he had them all shot. With his biggest crossbows. But then Henry realised his wife wasn't going to give him any male children and decided he wanted a new wife. The Pope, though, wouldn't let him divorce her and this infuriated Henry. So, he severed links with Rome and made the Church of England independent creating a new branch of Christianity - Anglicanism - basically Catholicism without a Pope and where you can divorce your wife if she won't give you any male children as long as you are King. Although Henry believed strongly in Catholic practice his reforms (which included seizing all the monasteries and their gold, the largest act of nationalisation until Hugo Chavez) let Protestants in through the back-door with their black-clad "reverends", pinched faces, boring food and drab wooden churches.

When Henry died his daughter Mary I took over. Mary was also a staunch Catholic but unlike Henry was also a traditionalist and restored the link with Rome and married the King of Spain and re-introduced "crossbow justice" for "protestant heretics". Then she died and her Protestant sister Elizabeth I took over. Elizabeth may have had the body of a weak and feeble woman but she had the heart and stomach of a King and she beat the Spanish armada (well, strictly-speaking the sea and coastline did most of that but let's not spoil the legend) and made England a major European power whilst also managing to have her relative Mary Queen of Scots executed and not having sex because she was "married to her country". Then she died.

1601-1641 - Here come the Scots

Following the death of Elizabeth I the English realised that they didn't have anyone left to replace her because, like a silly, she'd forgotten to have any children. Not to worry, though, the hairy Scottish royal family, the Stuarts, had a claim to the throne and even though the English couldn't stand the Scots they just stood aside and let King James VI of Scotland saunter on down across the border with his fried haggis-mars-bar and ginger public hair. It never occurred to them that they could, you know, maybe choose who became King but don't worry. They worked that out later.

James VI became King of both Scotland and England. Like all Scots, he was dour and pinched pennies and kept England in the black but miserable. He was also gay and wrote a pamphlet called A Counterblaste to Tobacco in which he moaned about how the English liked to smoke de baccy; he demanded smoking in bars be banned and proposed a bill to Parliament which got lost and only passed in 2008.

When James died power passed to his son Charles who was like his father only rubbish and about three feet tall. Charles didn't like Parliament and thought he should rule alone, like a proper King so he kept dismissing them and passing laws which upset his English subjects. Eventually, they got completely sick of it and started slagging him off in Parliament calling him "that long-haired Scottish prat". Charles, being a good tyrant, wasn't going to stand for that so he marched into Parliament one day and tried to have all the MPs who didn't like him arrested. Unfortunately for Charles, the MPs escaped because they heard the clip-clop of the tins of paint he attached to the soles of his shoes to make himself taller as he approached Westminster. Eventually, Parliament decided that the only way to teach the King a lesson was to raise an army and fight him. They won and Charles was executed.

1649-1660: The Cromwellian Years

After Charles was executed the English decided they didn't want another King so they passed a bill making England a republic. The Scots got quite cross about this so England invaded them and easily defeated the Scottish army by throwing a five pound note over a cliff. After Scotland was subdued and annexed the English General, Oliver Cromwell did the same to Ireland. Then Parliament, who had decided they weren't as keen on governing the country as they'd originally thought, offered him the crown but he refused because he'd heard Charles I had nits, so he became Lord Protector instead. Then he died in 1658 and his son, Richard, succeeded him but Richard was a bit rubbish and could never decide what to have for his breakfast, let alone how to rule the country so he was placed under house arrest by the army in 1659 who encouraged him to resign using their muskets. Then George Monck, who'd been in Scotland keeping the locals in line, marched down to London and pretended to be a republican but wasn't. Then all he let all the toffs back into Parliament and they voted for the monarchy to be restored. Then Charles II arrived in London dressed like Russell Brand and fountains ran with wine or something.

1660-1688: Everyone pretends everything is fine for a bit

Charles II was a bit of a ladies man and a bit cleverer than his dad and so managed to hold the country together, even if he mostly did so by wearing white tights and sleeping with most girls who came within five feet of him. Parliament, though, frequently got pissed-off with him and there was one Cromwellian plot against him and his brother James which was foiled when the vicar walked-in as the plotters trousers fell down. Just before Charles died he converted to Catholicism becoming the first Catholic monarch of England in ages. Power passed to his brother James II, also a friend of the Pope, and the English decided they'd had enough of the Stuarts and so overthrew James with a little help from a dutchman called William who they made King. James was furious at being overthrow, something that happened to his family far too often for his liking, and plotted to regain the throne as did his offspring. More on that later.

1688-1939: Settling down at last? Not likely, here come the Jacobites. Oh, and Britain is created along the way. France is crushed once or twice too

King William III wasn't all that interested in being King, but he was very interested in wearing wigs and growing tulips. He is said to have inspired the modern Prince Charles

William was crowned William III along with his wife Mary (who was the daughter of the deposed James II, they hadn't got on before and by golly they didn't get on now). William, being Dutch, wasn't all that interested in ruling England which is exactly what Parliament wanted to hear. They put forward a bill basically making the King into a sort of cuddly-uncle of state who had to recognise the power of Parliament and wasn't allowed any sort of army of his own. William signed the thing, whatever, in-between reading about the success of his tulip garden at home and Parliament got on with the business of running the country, occasionally sending someone over to the palace for advice or to tell the King what he was supposed to do next. Supporters of this new form of monarchy where the King just sat on a throne and occasionally agreed that Parliament was very wise were called Whigs whilst those who thought the King ought to be a bit more of a bossy-boots became known as Torys.

Meanwhile, various Torys and toffs who resented the way Parliament had decided who could become King formed a secret club called the "Jacobites" and plotted the return of the "true" Stuart line to the throne. They kept in touch with the Stuarts in exile who were squatting in the basement of the King of France and demanding money and an army so they could return to England in triumph and start putting some heads on spikes just like the good old days.

After William died after falling off his horse thanks to a mole which had dug a tunnel in his path, his wife Mary was Queen for a bit before passing power to her sister Anne (another Stuart who was "out of favour" with the family).

It was during Anne's reign that an act was passed by the Parliaments in London and Edinburgh uniting England and Scotland as one country. The Scottish MPs in Edinburgh had steadfastly held-out, declaiming that after centuries of defending their country's liberty against English imperialism they would not hand it over now. Then London agreed to give them two whole pounds each and the bill passed unanimously. This created a new country: Gay Great Britain

Anne died in 1707 and Parliament passed-over around fifty of her relatives in favour of a fat German called "Herr George von Hanover" who had no idea he was very, very distantly related to someone or other who'd been near the English throne at some point in the past and was so surprised when he got the letter in the post from Parliament that he farted his pantaloons off.

This final insult, not even disinherited members of the family were allowed their "rightful" place lording it over England and Scotland, made the exiled Stuarts extremely cross about what was going on in "their" country, even more so than they'd already been.

The first serious attempt by the Jacobites to kick-over the pussy constitutional monarchy was in 1715 when James II's son, James Jr aka "the Great Pretender" (because he liked to sing Freddie Mercury songs) landed in his favourite Kingdom, Scotland, and raised his "banner" with an amusing spring sound-effect causing Kenneth Williams to do that "oooh!" face and cover Barbara Windsor's eyes with his hand whilst Sid James did his dirty chuckle. "Pretend" James III went walking around Scotland trying to raise an army to "kick the living merde out of le usurper" (he had been living in France too long) but wasn't very successful because people found him annoying and not all that handsome so he went home.

In 1762 began the Seven Year's War, known to other people, the losers, generally, as the nine year's war. From the British point of view, the French were trounced, especially in Quebec, and had to cede Canada, amongst others, a country Britain quickly made into a thorn in the back of America. From the French point of view, nothing at all happened from 1762-1769, and if you mention those years in France, they may call in their neighbours the Germans to beat you up.

Nothing at all happened from 1775-1783. We were more focused on the Caribbean anyway.

In 1789 something wonderful happened; the French destroyed themselves. We didn't even touch them. Sadly, a corsican-Frenchman by the name of Old Boney decided to invade the rest of Europe. The British put a stop to him in places such as Traflagar, Egypt, Prussia, Spain, Trafalgar, Madrid, Palestine, Italy, and Trafalgar. In Trafalgar, not one British ship was sunk or captured and the entire Franco-Spanish navy was destroyed. Napoleon surrendered and was put in custody in Etna.

Then, showing supreme stupidity, the French allowed him back even though he lost 550,000 men in Russia. Only 50,000 had made it out. The British had to destroy the French AGAIN, this time at a place called Waterloo. In the meantime, the French had sold their American territories to the States, the States and lost a small war that they still won't shut up about to the Brits, and haiti, a small colony with no weapons, had defeated their French masters.

1939-1979: The Golden Years Part II and The Churchill Years and Beyond!

During the Golden Years Part II of British History this is also known as WORLD WAR TWO (WE WERE the ones who saved you garlic smelling, snail eating French Cheeses from Adolf Hitler the Jew Lover. The war against Germany was technically ended in 1989 when the Berlin wall fell as before it was West and East German, THANK YOU COMMIES!

1949-1979: The Phantom Menace: Attlee, Eden, Macmi...oh, why bother

It is well documented that the Head of State, Canadian Princess Elizabeth II of 1946, fought for power over the elite Welsh in the bloody war of 1953. No animals were harmed in the making of this country, although several small voles were maimed (these are technically vegetables).

1979-1990: Revenge of the Bitch: Margaret Thatcher

A street in Thatcher's England; a dark and distressful time when everything went grey.

Thatchers' Britain, also known as Thatcherism was a period of British history between 1979 to 1992 when the main Thatcher union (the Confederated Union of National Thatchers) seized power in a bloodless coup, known as an "election", causing a run on National Hay stocks. The Thatcher regime sought to recreate Great Britain as a Neo-Nazi hardcore right-wing moronic Fascist state, and criticised the Russians for their interference.

The policy of the Thatcher government was to abolish standard roofing on buildings, and to replace it with natural thatch. What constituted natural thatch was the only business that occupied Parliament, allowing the Argentine Beef Union to take over the Falklands in 1982. Luckily, the invasion was repelled by sheep, securing Thatcherism another two "election" victories.

The Thatcher government was led by a woman (coincidentally called Thatcher. What were the odds on that, eh?) who was fashioned entirely out of iron. Some people say this is why she was given the nickname of 'Iron Lady'. And why she didn't like immigrants in the same way Hitler didn't like Jews, apart from the gassing. shes also famous for ruining britain complety and now there electricity is given to them by some thieving german company (british gas isn't even british)

Preferring to remain lazy, incompetent and proud of it, thank you very much, the British detested this sexy minx of a woman making them adopt the quaint Japanese concept of "work" and resented the reforms of the minx-in-chief. As well as introducing the public to this unique Asian activity she also set about euthanising Britain's coal mining industry. for several years men in denim fought the police in practically every northern town, The mine workers leader Arthur Scarygill fought back destroying the Thatcher Government's first Death Star only to perish at the battle of easington colliery (see Return of the jedi). With the miners decimated the Tory government patted each other on the back and congratulated each other on a job well done. The miners later found work as dancers in Britain's growing Ballet industry. (see Billy Elliot)

The British people valiantly fought back by the subtle technique of voting to return her to power in three consecutive elections in the hope that she would get bored. Oddly enough, this worked, and made her cry so much that she drowned, killing several hamsters that were standing guard outside her home, Buckingham Palace.

1990-1997: A New Hope: John Major

The above period ended when the Grey Man overthrew the Head Thatcher in a very bloodless coup, known as a "muppetfest". John Major was the very best that the British system of government could produce, which gave the country the international reputation for wise governance that it still enjoys today. Major's triumphs included the graceful exit from the Euro and standing on a wooden box whilst talking to people in a not inconsiderably audible voice. This weakened the Union's power and allowed the Union of Labourers and Brickies to seize power in 1997, with so, so much squirting of blood it was still dripping out of the corpses until 2001. Also he was shagging that Edwina Whatsherface and he was born in the circus.

1997-2007: The Empire Strikes Back: Queen Elizabeth II & Tony Blair

During this period, England and Britain was ruled by the eurocommunist Queen Elizabeth II andTony Blair. Under his leadership, successful businesses like Railtrack were ruthlessly nationalised for the simple British "crime" of letting a train crash occasionally. Car drivers were thoroughly hated and Blair's so-called police used the sinister statist device called "the law" to prosecute them for the innocent act of breaking the speed limit. It also became impossible to discipline a child even by shouting, beating or other traditional child-rearing methods that never did me any harm, OK? Punishment consisted of deportation to continental Europe to be placed in a gulag but, due to Europe being full, Britain was unable to deport foreign criminals and preferred to release them early and let them run riot around the country, whilst inviting their mates over to do the jobs that all the fat British chavs were too lazy to do.

All opposition parties were banned because New Labour deemed them "unnewlabour". Anyone who attempted to speak out against the madness in underground newspapers like The Daily Telegraph were placed under house arrest or assassinated by Blair's paramilitary political-police, the "PC Brigade" or "Health and Safety Executive", which just banned everything until people got used to it and stopped complaining.

Another noted idea of Blair's was to devolve power to the Scots and Welsh, which was both stupid and dangerous, because everyone knows that if you do that, the Scots will try to deep-fat-fry it, and the Welsh will try to insert it up a certain area of their unresponsive sheep to get them aroused.

The British people valiantly fought back by the subtle technique of voting to return him to power in three consecutive elections in the hope that he would get bored. Oddly enough, this worked. However, he did not cry like Thatcher, he simply went off to get a job as Palpatine's rent boy.

2007-2009ish: Attack of the Brown

Gordon Brown, moment before waking to yet another day of disapointment.

After Blair suddenly went insane and died three days after being bored of being PM, he left his illegitimate son to be PM in his will.

Mr. Gordon "He puts the Scot in Scotland" Brown is a man broad of girth but narrow of vision. Whenever it is demanded he actually do something in Parliament by David Cameron, He simply remarks "It's only my fifth day!" even though it isn't. He used this excuse throughout 2008 and may well use it throughout 2009. He is presently known as the man who puts the cunt into country.

However, underneath his uncaring outer shell, there is a ruthless evil beast who is seeking wipe Iraq off the face of the Earth. He is planning to destroy it by using an utterly evil thing known only as democracy. Little is actually understood about this method and some commentators have described the Iraqi model as "Democracy with Middle Eastern characteristics".

2009-Whenever he decides: Peace and Stability Restored, High Chancellor Adam Sutler

Britain's New and greatly resolved leader, let the cleansing begin.

After the weak minded reign of premier Brown, revolution was at hand. The *censored* We can now all res easy now, High Chancellor Sutler will be able to run things quite a bit better now that all those pussy-footed fools are out of the way.

Sutler has brought to the U.K a new level of hate. No longer do they just hate Norwegians, now gays, liberals, commies, and jews are on the table again for persecution. *censored*

See also

• Peter Mandelson
• Soviet Britain
• North Sea Archipelago
• The British Navy
• Royal Navy
• Great Britain
• British Empire
• Booze
• England
• Johnny Foreigner's Guide to British Humour
• Parliamentary Reform in Britain
• Federation of Nations that hate Britain
• British Line of Succession
• National Dyslexics Association
• BNP
• The Color Problem
• Boris Johnson

Commonwealth of Nations

• Australia
• Bangladesh
• Barbados
• Belize
• Botswana
• Cameroon
• Canada
• Cyprus
• Eswatini (Swaziland)
• Fiji
• Ghana
• Guyana
• India
• Jamaica
• Kenya
• Kiribati
• Lesotho
• Malawi
• Malaysia
• Maldives
• Malta
• Mauritius
• Mozambique
• Namibia
• Nauru
• New Zealand
• Nigeria
• Pakistan
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• Rwanda
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• Singapore
• Solomon Islands
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• United Kingdom
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• Zambia

Countries of Europe