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Tenth Planet Identified as 10th Least Cared-About Topic in Nation

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PARIS - Officials at the International Astronomical Union (IAU) in Paris expressed disappointment yesterday when they learned that the discovery of a tenth planet ranks 10th on a nationally compiled list of the 20 least cared-about news topics in America.

2003 UB313, the as-yet unnamed body, is larger than Pluto and has its own moon. The discovery of the planet had sparked a lively academic debate on the definition of a planet, but has yet to resonate with most Americans. -- more

Mr. Whipple squeezes Charmin, dies at 91

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HOLLYWOOD, California -- Charmin pitchman and television icon Mr. Whipple, has died at the age of 91. Whipple, born George Whipple Bush but dropped his last name at age 18, died Monday after squeezing a package of Charmin that was contaminated with E. Coli. Whipple was unaware of the contamination, despite the warnings of bystanders at the local grocery store called Albertsons.

"It was horrifying!" said John McCartney, 41. "I couldn't look. I had to cover my eyes."

As he squeezed, the TV legend inhaled a bit of the bacteria, which quickly led to a heart attack and an unbearable urge to pee. Confused Whipple didn't know which one he needed to take care of first. -- more

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Worldwide Forecast at a Glance:

  • No weather will be given for the state of New Jersey - they're too far in debt to affoard it.


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  • Starting in Scotland, expect golf ball size hail at tee-off.


  • Acid-tripping meteorologists may be responsible for continuing unprecedented Atlantic tropical storms.


  • In Texas, excessive rear end inflow may cause bulging tops in vertically erect systems and later cause overshooting tops.


  • In summary, be afraid, be very afraid. And that's all the weather.


Special Weather Report:

The English are shocked, SHOCKED, to find it's hot in July.

Global Warming Indicator

This weather forecast is correct once in a blue moon, and twice after two shots of tequila.

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