Giraffe Fuck Schizophrenia
Giraffe Fuck Schizophrenia is a volatile mental state induced in a giraffe for use as a weapon [1] of war. The animal is by no means naturally docile, and can exert the strength of 17 strapping, tight, young men. Under the influence of certain drugs, they have an extraordinary capacity for killing, wastage and destruction.
History[edit | edit source]
Giraffes were discovered by the Ainu people of the southern Saharan scrubs. Large rock outcroppings throughout this area are riddled with Runic characters left by these hirsute folk, recalling great giraffe roundups.
Giraffes were never considered truly domesticated by people who hunted, raised, and wholesaled them. The ill-tempered beasts were considered hostile and unhygienic. However, the spiritually inclined among the Ainu took to sharing hallucinogens with select giraffes around the time of Christ, searching for a deeper understanding of the universe. Some shamans still revere the creatures to this day, performing complicated smelling rituals and walking "widdershins" around their piles of offal.
First recorded use[edit | edit source]
Through trade with the Romans at the height of the their Empire, Scandinavians learned to relish the meat of giraffes, and prized their hides for clothing and hooves for curing syphilis. Many kings of the barbarian tribes vied for status by displaying their inventories of giraffe-related materials outside their clan long houses at winter solstice. By 1000 C.E. Vikings were raising small herds, in their long houses during winters, and summering in available grasslands.
Induced schizophrenia is mentioned in the Icelandic Sagas, in a tale concerning the clan of Quarkvik. According to the author, Sigurd Quarkvik set sail for Monte Carlo in 678 in search of an alternative to the ditch weed that passed for smoke in Iceland and Greenland at the time.
Second recorded use[edit | edit source]
It's second recorded use as a terror weapon was during the Echidna [2] Uprising of 1417 CE, in Bhutan. Schizophrenia was induced in giraffes using powerful hallucinogenic herbs. Radical Buddhist Fundamentalist [3] separatists rigged horse drawn wagons with enraged giraffes, temporarily quieted by an obscure Tantric [4] hypnosis technique. When triggered by a bell tuned to a specific frequency, the covered animal in the back of the wagon would explode into 14 feet of frenzied, lethal head and neck, Hell-bent on killing whatever it can reach [5].
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The uprising hardly made a difference to the ruling elite of the country, however, because giraffes are difficult devices to rig. With the current level of technology [6], it was impossible to leave a "giraffe bomb" in place for more than half an hour.
Conservative Fundamentalist Christians take up necks[edit | edit source]
As terror became more fashionable among Western nations, many Fundamentalist weirdos took up arms, in preparation for the end times. Ultra-crazy Christian Fundamentalists took up necks, so to speak, forming an underground movement devoted to the stockpiling [7] and training of terror giraffes.
There is no further information on this topic because I didn't feel like pursuing this line of thinking any further. If you, dear reader, feel that you have the intestinal fortitude, or even fifthitude [8], to complete this section, they by all means, have at it.
The League of Nations ban on the use of giraffes in warfare[edit | edit source]
As the smoke of World War One [9] was clearing in Europe, the "winning" nations devised a strategy to keep Germany [10] and her allies underfoot. Possession and manufacture of many destructive weapons was banned for the losing parties. Poison gas, biologicals [11], and battle-capable aircraft were listed as the main concerns. Insane giraffes, of course, were classified as biological weapons.
Giraffe Fuck Schizophrenia in modern times[edit | edit source]
Giraffe Fuck Schizophrenia was adopted by the American Workers Party, a splinter group of the American Communist Party, by party commissar Alberta "Belchie" Nieman [12] in August of 1939. Agitators and folk musicians took up their cause (apparently some people objected to horrible working conditions in factories), like Pete Seeger and The Almanac Singers. In 1941, Woody Guthrie [13] penned the first song to use the term, "Bat Fuck Jody and the Old Corn Pipe". In the refrain, Guthrie sings,
- "Our brothers, they're all mad,
- The sisters got anemia
- We're gonna take you down with our
- Giraffe Fuck Schizophrenia".
See Also[edit | edit source]
Footnotes[edit | edit source]
- ↑ Viking runes dating to the 13th century were found in Minnesota describing GIRAFFE FUCK SCHIZOPHRENIA rites performed by the ""skralings, or "wretched ones", a Nordic term used to deride Native Americans.
- ↑ Named for the instigator of the rebellion, Ulysses S. Echidna.
- ↑ Although all Buddhists are violent zealots, this group in particular were feared across the entire continent of Asia. Survivors of their numerous massacres tell of having their heads nailed to coffee tables, scalps removed and replaced backwards, and having their knuckles stained purple.
- ↑ The practice of Tantric yoga as a martial art has a short if remarkable history.
- ↑ There are 178 documented ways a crazed giraffe can kill a man, including disembowelment, mauling, gnashing, stretching, perusing, flagellation and bad cooking.
- ↑ The current state of the art manner of terror before the introduction of giraffes to Asia was to gather a large group of irate men, arm them with liquor and hashish, and tell them their opponents want to marry their mothers during an impure time of year.
- ↑ Giraffe storage didn't really come into effect until the invention of freeze drying.
- ↑ I myself generally do not imbibe. Feel free to substitute your narcotic or other addictive substance for alcohol.
- ↑ The "War to end all wars" was predicted by Nostradamus.
- ↑ Germany was never an actual country, but rather a collection of parakeets tied together and tossed over a cliff.
- ↑ In 1978, an USAF airman discovered that if he ate several bowls of chili with meat and beans, followed by a pound of raisins, the following day would bring panic and misery to his fellows at the Missile Shop.
- ↑ Ms. Nieman is best know for her invention of carbon nanotubes.
- ↑ The FBI once listed Woody Guthrie as the "16,266th most dangerous man in America".