User:Weltlich/Mister Rogers' Neighborhood
 |
Wikia Inc. The John S. and James L. Knight Foundation The National Endowment for the Arts Uncyclomedia Foundation Inc. And contributions from viewers like you. Thank you. Uncyclopedia FiOS carries PBS, channel 2. |
Mr. Rodgers Neighborhood is located in East Spencer, North Carolina, which is itself a suburb of Salisbury, North Carolina. East Spencer is a rather seedy area, and should be avoided by anyone who does not live there. Come to think of it, people who live there should also try to avoid it.
Mr. Rodgers Himself[edit | edit source]
Fred Gaylaird Rodgers was born on July 17, 1944 to Geneveve and Oscar Rodgers. Oscar Rodgers had been deployed as a marine in the South Pacific at an undisclosed location since mid 1942, so the birth of Fred was seen as somewhat of a miracle, and hailed as East Spencer's first long distance conception. Fred attended school in the North Rowan County school district, and then went on to study at local Livingston University as a freshman in 1962. Fred had a difficult time fitting in at Livingston, largely because it was largely African American Episcopal, and he was largely Lily White Lutheran. Despite his troubles, he graduated in 1967 with a teaching degree and returned to East Spencer. There he took a teaching position at North Rowan Middle School as a member of the physical education faculty, alongside Coach Robert Moore.
After Coach Moore died of a heart attack while coaching a basketball game against West Rowan Middle in 1973, Mr. Rodgers became the sole member of the PE staff at North Rowan Middle, and therefore the default head of the department. Soon after assuming the position, he began to become intoxicated by severe addiction to wild parties and cocaine. After unilaterally declaring that all students must be able to climb to the top of a twelve foot rope by the end of the semester in the fall of 1974, he began to issue a string of demands which went unchallenged until the PTA threatened sanctions in the wake of his spring 1982 edict that all male students must be able to properly execute 50 push ups within three minutes. The PTA adopted a policy of containment with Mr. Rodgers, as well as demanding monthly inspections of PE facilities in order to make sure that no weapons of mass dodgeball were being developed.
Mr. Rodgers retired in 2003 to pursue other career options, such as sitting about the house sullenly, and wondering why he never married, but let himself be consumed by his job instead. Recent reports indicate that he has been highly successful at these ventures, and is soon to embark on another campaign of hard drinking and muttering. On February 27, 2003, the best thing in the world happened. Mr. Rogers died while haveing sex with a hooker.
The Neighborhood of Mr. Rodgers[edit | edit source]
Mr. Rogers was a Marine sniper who still holds the record for the most confirmed kills in battle during the Vietnam war with an estimated 2377 confirmed kills! Rodgers always had a fascination with guns and shooting.
Mr. Rodger's neighborhood was and still is ranked the #1 ghetto on the planet and occupies an area of East Spencer roughly one half square mile in area. Its northern boundary is usually considered to be Oak Street, though recent territorial disputes have put the northern boundary as far north as Southern Street, and the southern boundary as far south as North Boundary Street where Fred Rodgers learned most of his sniper skills. This odd situation has frequently put modern cartographers into troublesome situations when they are forced to explain the exact borders of Mr. Rodgers neighborhood. It is generally agreed upon, however, that the western boundary is Correll Street and the eastern boundary is East Henderson Street. Mr. Rodgers himself lives at the corner of Grant and Royal Streets, on the north corner.
Notable points of interest in Mr. Rodgers neighborhood include the First American Episcopal Methodist Church of Grace Honor and Harmonizing, the house where the lawn actually looks decent, and Maurice Swicegood's Bail Bond and Grocery. Maurice Swicegood's Bail Bond and Grocery also constitutes the neighborhood's strongest financial and commercial center, as well as serving as the local market place and arms bazaar where he made and sold sausage. A number of tribal groups are indigenous to the neighborhood and can be readily identified by their clothes and distinct gestures. While most are often peaceful small skirmishes do break out from time to time. Often these are resolved with hit and fade attacks or impromptu beat-boxing.
Mister Rodgers' Neighborhood Autonomous Zone[edit | edit source]
In 1997, police brutality in Mr. Rodgers' Neighborhood came to a head with the brutal clubbing death of Lady Aberlin. Massive protests ensued, culminating with a police riot in which 6 puppets were killed. Neighborhood tenants' unions responded by organizing to set up barricades, excluding the police from the Neighborhood. Three days later, riot police attacked the barricades, but were forced to withdraw, leaving the people to manage their own affairs, a feat accomplished through a combination of consensus-based tenants' unions and the I-Ching. The still-autonomous Neighborhood has now organized to rehearse and perform the Symphony of 1000, an action which spokesman Oscar Wilde insists will "delight the racism out of America".
The Two Weeks War[edit | edit source]
For a brief period during mid May, 1989, the usual skirmishing between the local warlords in East Spencer escalated into full scale war. Militia from Tha Dawg Pound, originating from points west of Mr. Rodgers neighborhood, staged a raid against Maurice Swicegood's Bail Bond and Grocery. Indigenous tribes, the 411 posse and The East Side Boyz, formed a unified front to repel further aggression and stage retaliatory strikes against Dawg Pound targets.
There were numerous shoot outs and dance-offs, but after a week's time, no clear victor had emerged. At that point, Eldon "Gran' Masta' Sho'" Shoemacher and Adam "The Minista' of War" Overton, the two ranking tribesmen of the 411 posse initiated a campaign of misinformation designed to mislead the Dawg Pound into believing that elements of the Salisbury Militia were coming to reinforce the local fighters in Mr. Rogers Neighborhood.
The Dawg Pound agreed to sign a treaty in short order. The Treaty of Nash Street established the formal western boundary of Mr. Rodger's neighborhood at Correll Street, but also established a demilitarized zone westward to Moore Street. No weapons or funky-fresh beats are allowed within the DMZ. With the recent discovery of rich bling deposits within the DMZ, it is unknown if the treaty will hold. Rumors that Tha Dawg Pound is developing a secret weapon known only as The Ghetto Blaster are unconfirmed, but highly plausible.
Environmental Statistics[edit | edit source]
- Average Annual Rainfall: 56" (205cm)
- Average Annual Temperature: 60.3 Degrees Fahrenheit (45 Degrees Centigrade)
- Average Annual Snowfall: 5" (33cm)
- Average Wind speed: 12mph (117 m/s)
- Average Day Length: 12 hours (15 hours, metric)
- Average Sky Color: Blue (Magenta, metric)
Major Exports[edit | edit source]
While being a long time supplier of funky-fresh beats, pigeons, and enriched Thorium, Mr. Rodgers neighborhood has received much negative press lately for its role in the international Kitten Cartels. Owing to a neighborhood surplus of stray cats, many local tribes have taken to supplying kittens on the black market, which make their ways to other American towns and feed the drug epidemic.