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“I have some of those, and they're white!”

~ Barack Obama on Bodyguards

“Bodyguards? You mean one of those little boys in front of bars that you can easily pick up and drop at your home for a little fun?”

~ Oscar Wilde on Bodyguards

“I go out without them but nobody shoots me, I go out with them and I end up getting shot.”

~ Don Vito Corleone on Bodyguards

“Useless slave! Thou hast failed to protect thy from spear!”

~ Xerxes on Bodyguards
The Modern Bodyguard. Although intimidating and powerful, they fail to keep up with their VIPs, leaving them fortifying themselves against attack with nothing behind them to cover.

A Bodyguard is a person designed to catch bullets, blows or anything that would harm a specified person for that matter. Bodyguards are usually burly, intimidating, and stupid. Bodyguards are usually in use by members of politics, rich people and mob bosses, just to name a few. Bodyguards may also take the role of security inside an establishment or building.

Bodyguards may or may not carry weapons, for most of the time they do not inflict damage, but rather absorb them.


Medieval guards, shown here protecting the King's Royal Bitch.

Bodyguards have been in use for over 9000 years, when evidence of the first homo erectus (gay guy with a hardon) humans as bodyguards emerged in some undisclosed area in Africa. It seems that one ape-man took a rock, smashed it on the other ape-man's head, then teabagged him. The ape-man who got teabagged had no choice but to be the other ape-man's bitch. He now serves as the other ape-man's slow bait for hunting wild Sabretooth Tigers.

The bodyguards of the Ancient times were relatively simple, and were mostly composed of slaves, for they were easy to acquire during the time. Xerxes, the Great Nigga Black King of Persia, employed numerous white slaves to protect him from conventional weaponry like arrows and swords, however, they failed to shield him from thrown spears. The cycle went on like this, until the development of the rifle during the Industrial Revolution, where anyone is now vulnerable to bullets, that is, until the invention of bulletproof armory.

Today's bodyguards are burly, bald, and wears the typical bodyguard uniform of dark shades and a black shirt. Usually they stand in front, behind and/or beside VIPs, hoping that none of the attackers have an IQ of over 20 to just snipe the bastard and get it over with.


This is a bodyguard.
This could be is also a bodyguard, since he absorbs bullets easily without hassles.

Bodyguards may have different faces and appearances, however, they all follow the same Bodyguard-slash-bullet-catching-bitch-law (BSBCB Law) etiquette. Common characteristics of bodyguards are as follows:

  • Big muscles are not necessary, however, a wider body means more shielding area for bullets.
  • An intimidating appearance is compulsory, like a bulletproof vest with a target painted on it.
  • Poor communication skills, for you do not have to talk.
  • Must be able to beat the shit out of people. If not, must be able to catch as many bullets as possible before dying.
  • Must be very attractive to women, but ignore them because that lousy, nerdy, impotent, small-penised VIP is getting all the ladies (with money, of course!).

See also[edit]