User:Uncyclopedian/UnScripts:The Young and the Uncyclopedians/129

Episode 129: The Secret of Monkey™ Uncyclopedia Island[edit | edit source]

I bet the Chinese food here is just terrible.

(The episode starts off with Adam Uncyclop walking on a plateau on the side of a mountain. Zatoichi is turned around, "watching" the island.)

Adam: Hi!

(Zatoichi jumps)

Zatoichi: Who the hell are you?

Adam: I'm Adam Uncyclop! Don't you remember?

Zatoichi: Oh. Yeah. (Facing left of Adam) Well, what the hell do you want from me, Adam Unbikeyop?

Adam: My name is Adam Uncyclop! I want to become a fireman!

Zatoichi: Then why the hell are you coming to me for? Go down to town and speak with the guys down at the VILLAGE ™ BAR.

Adam: Okay.

(A short sequence of Adam going down a path on the mountain to the docks is seen. He walks to the bar.)

Adam: I can't push that.

(Adam opens the door)

Adam: I can't talk to that.

(Adam walks into the bar. There are pirates, communists, and various other people having fun drinking their gin. One of them is spinning atop the chandelier with a hammer and sickle. Adam goes up to one of the pirates.)

Adam: I can't pick that up.

Pirate: What you talkin' about boy?

Adam: I don't really know why I just said that...

Pirate: Well, what do ye want?

Adam: I'm Adam Uncyclop, and I want to become a Fireman!

Pirate: (Mean look) You're wastin' me time, then. Talk to the IMPORTANT LOOKING GUYS™ at the back of the bar.

Adam: Okay.

(Adam goes to the back of the bar, where Corsaire, Engelsfair, and Han Soson are sitting drinking their Victory Gin. Several minutes pass. A flushing sound can be heard.)

Adam: Hello, I'm Adam Uncyclop, and I want to become a mighty Fireman!

Corsaire: (drinks gin) Well you've come to ze right place!

Han: But you know you can't just become a fireman by asking!

Corsaire: That's right! You must do-

Engelsfair: Miss Unsoc!

Han: No, you must do the three trials.

Corsaire: I thought it was four.

Engelsfair: Yeah. Four.

Han: No it was four and one half.

Corsaire: Oh yeah that's right.

Adam: What are these four and a half trials?

Corsaire: Well in order to become a fireman, Adam Mondyclock, you must prove yourself in four and a half trials before you can become one.

Adam: My name is Adam Uncyclop.

Han: Silencing wars.

Corsaire: Handling a hose.

Engelsfair: Fire finding ability.

Han: Group-getting ability.

Engelsfair: And the color red.

(Han punches Engelsfair)

Engelsfair: What? Fire trucks are red!

Han: There is no red trial. There is a "drinking Victory Gin" trial, though.

All three at the table: GIN! GIN! GIN!

Adam: Tell me more about how I'm supposed to handle a hose.

Corsaire: Defeat ze hosemaster. A villiager can direct you to her.

Adam: Okay, I guess I can do that first.

(Meanwhile several hundred feet under Ranged Island, ghost fireman Alka'chuck's spectral fire truck is parked in a fire. Alka'chuck is at the wheel of the fire truck, with a ghost fireman called Bobby...)

Alka'chuck: It's days like this that make it feel good to be dead. Right, Bobby?

Bobby: Yes. Good to be dead, sir.

Alka'chuck: Now, why are you bothering me?

Bobby: There is a problem on Ranged Island...

Alka'chuck: PROBLEM!?! I have those firemen so scared they won't handle hoses!

Bobby: Yes, but there is a new fireman there. Actually, a wannabe fireman. His name is Adam Unicycle. I can take him out if you wish...

Alka'chuck: No. I'll deal with him myself.

(Back on Ranged Island)

Adam: Well, I better find out where to find that hosemaster.

(Adam walks into town. A man beckons him into an alley)

Man: Psst...

(Adam walks into the alley)

Adam: What's going on here?

Man: You better watch yourself. Some bad things have been happening on this Island recently.

Adam: You are you?

Man: I'm Brad A. Pacer, the law of this here island. I'm sure we met before. You better watch yourself Threepwood.

Adam: Actually it's Uncyclop.

Brad: Whatever.

(Brad walks away)

Adam: Well that was strange...

(Adam goes in front of a building)

Adam: I can't pick that up.

(Adam opens the door and walks inside. An old man is behind the counter looking at nudes in a magazine.)

Old man: Heh heh...

Adam: Erm...excuse me...

Old man: (frazzled as he tries to put away his porno) What do ye want?

Adam: That's a nice hose you've got there.

Old man: I might be dirty but I'm not gay, sonny.

Adam: No, I mean on the wall.

Old man: That'll be twenty pieces aught six.

(Adam gives the old man a safety pin)

Old man: That's a safety pin.

Adam: Look! (Pointing) A three headed North Korean!

(The old man looks away. Adam runs. He walks away from the main town and finds a circus tent where Flames O' Brien and Shamus O'Perandi are arguing.)

Flames: I'm not doing it!

Shamus: Over a dead horse's ass I will either.

Flames: Well how the hell are we going to pull this off then?

Adam: Hi. I'm Adam Uncyclop, and I'm a mighty fireman!

(Shamus and Flames run up to Adam)

Shamus: Hey, do you want 400 pieces aught six?

Adam: Er...

Flames: 'Corse you do!

Shamus: Just step into this cannon here.

(Flames shoves him into the cannon)

Adam: Shouldn't I be wearing a helmet?

Shamus: Helmet's are for wussies.

Flames: Now shutup and get launched off this cannon.

(Flames lights the cannon and fires Adam out of it. He hits a pole. Several seconds pass by.)

Shamus: ...Fuck...

Flames: You dumbass!

Shamus: It's not my fault!

(Adam crawls up)

Adam: (frazzled) I'm Uncyclopedian and I want to be a mighty Senator!

Shamus: What the hell are you talking about? Here's yer money.

(Shamus gives him money and Adam stumbles out of the tent. He runs back to the old man's store.)

Old Man: (dropping his porn again) WHAT? What do ye want boy?

Adam: I don't know how to use that.

Old Man: What are you mumbling about?

Adam: Sorry. I would like to get that hose.

Old Man: Take it. You know the price.

(Adam takes the hose and pays the old man)

Adam: Thank you mister...

Old Man: Gates. Robert Gates.

Adam: Yeah. That.

Adam: It's a door.

(Adam walks out of the store)

Adam: Oh! I almost forgot to get training!

(Adam rushes to a random house and knocks on the door. A man comes out.)

Adam: Can I have some hose training? My name is Adam Uncyclop.

Man: No way, wimp! MAGGOT!

Adam: Please?

Man: No, MAGGOT!

Adam: Please?

Man: Okay, okay, MAGGOT! I like your spirit, MAGGOT! You need money and a hose, though, MAGGOT! 30 pieces aught six, and a good hose, MAGGOT!

(Adam shows the man his hose)

Man: A good one, MAGGOT! Do you have the money, MAGGOT!?!

(Adam hands the man 30 pieces aught six)

Man: Come in, Halan Umblical, MAGGOT! My name is Mhale, MAGGOT!

Adam: My name is Adam Uncyclop, not Halan Umblical.

Mhale: Show me your hose use, MAGGOT!

(Adam sprays himself with a hose)

Mhale: You will need a lot of work, MAGGOT! Now, MAGGOT, I'm putting you up against the Machine, MAGGOT!

(Mhale brings out a machine. Hose fight commences. A few hours later...)

Mhale: You have the form, MAGGOT, but do you have the wit, MAGGOT!?! Your wit needs to be longer than your hose, MAGGOT! A good hose handler knows when to say a dangerous insult, MAGGOT! Reply to this: You spray like a dairy farmer, MAGGOT!

Adam: I am rubber, you are glue...

Mhale: No, the correct response is "How appropriate. You spray like a cow.", MAGGOT! Try this one: You'll be wearing this water like a soaked idiot, MAGGOT!

Adam: Er, how appropriate. You spray like a cow, MAGGOT!

Mhale: No, that was the reply to the first one, MAGGOT! The reply to this one is "Only if you stop waving your hose like a feather-duster", MAGGOT!

Adam: Is maggot your favorite word?

Mhale: Yes, MAGGOT! Now go out there and fight, MAGGOT!

(Adam leaves the building and finds a random fireman.)

Fireman: It ain't good to stop a fireman, kid.

Adam: My name is Adam Uncyclop! Prepare to get wet!

(Hose fight commences)

Adam: You spray like a dairy farmer, maggot.

Fireman: You took lessons from Mhale, I see. How appropriate. You spray like a cow.

(The fireman sprays Adam)

Fireman: Soon you'll be wearing this water like a soaked idiot!

Adam: Only if you stop waving your hose like a feather duster.

(Adam sprays the fireman)

Adam: Boy, you suck...

Fireman: Is that the best you can come up with?

(The fireman sprays down Adam and he drops his hose.)

Adam: Look! A three headed North Korean!

(Adam darts away. Several fights later...)

Fireman: You are good enough to fight the Hose Master!

Adam: Finally! (runs to town)

Fireman: Oh, how I love lying to the idiots.

(Adam walks back to the store. Robert is looking at porn behind the counter and is again flustered)

Gates: Jesus Christ! What the hell do you want from me, kid? Can't a dirty old man fap in peace?

Adam: I'm looking for the hosemaster of RANGED ISLAND ™.

Gates: I'll go check if you can see her right now. (leaves store)

(Adam follows Gates out. Gates runs too fast for a bit.)

Adam: Darn it!

(Adam looks in the nearby jail. There is a man in one of the jail cells.)

Adam: Who are you?

Man: I am Starnes, a victim of society.

Adam: Why are you in here?

Starnes: I picked a flower.

Adam: A flower!?!

Starnes: Yes. One of those yellow ones on a path of the fork.

Adam: Why can't people pick them?

Starnes: Uh, er, okay, okay, it was not a flower. I took Robert Gates' porn.

Adam: That is illegal!?!

Starnes: Don't ask me. I'm not Governor Keira.

(Officer Brad comes in through the door)

Brad: Hey, Uniclops! Get out of here! Don't feed the prisoners!

Adam: It's Uncyclop.

Brad: I don't care. Out!

(Brad shoes away Adam. Adam goes back to the shop, and after a brief argument over interruption and leaving, asks to see the hosemaster once again. Adam follows Gates to the woods, and to the house of the hosemaster. A conversation can be heard.)

Hosemaster: Get the hell out of here Robert!

Gates: Heh heh heh...

Hosemaster: I have a fucking restraining order against you! Leave this place before I call the cops!

Gates: Whatever you say sugartits.

(The Hosemaster slaps Gates. Gates walks back to the shop. Adam walks forward to the hosemaster.)

Adam: Are you the hosemaster of RANGED ISLAND™?

Hosemaster: Yes. What do you want?

Adam: I'm Adam Uncyclop, and I'm a mighty fireman. Prepare to die.

Hosemaster: Oh great, not this again... Who sent you?

Adam: The IMPORTANT LOOKING GUYS ™ down at the VILLAGE BAR ™.

Hosemaster: I'll humilate you.

(A hosefight commences)

Hosemaster: My hose is feared on every dirty corner of this island!

Adam: So you got that job as a prostitute after all?

Hosemaster: I usually see people like you passed out near the Fireman's pole.

Adam: Even before they smell your breath?

Hosemaster: Nobody will ever catch me watering down fires as bad as you do!

Adam: I see they put you on desk duty again.

(Adam blows the Hosemaster's hose away)

Hosemaster: Okay, you win.

Adam: How appropriate, you fight like a cow, maggot.

Hosemaster: I hope you're happy with yourself. They probably won't believe you, so give them this to show that you defeated me, they'll know.

(The Hosemaster gives Adam a T-shirt)

Adam: It says "I defeated the Hosemaster and all I got was this lousy T-Shirt" on it.

Hosemaster: Thank you captain obvious.

Adam: I can't pick that up.

Hosemaster: What?

Adam: Nothing.

(Adam walks away back to the bar)

Adam: I beat the Hosemaster!

Han: Great kid, but don't get too cocky. We'll test your ability to fight fires next.

Adam: How?

Corsaire: Zere is a campfire burning somewhere in ze forest. Find it and water it down. Take ze prize right next to it after your done.

Adam: Isn't it too easy for someone just to take the prize and not fight the fire?

(The IMPORTANT LOOKING MEN™ look at eachother)

Engelsfair: Shutup. I installed a Commu-Shield that is activated by fire.

(Han punches Engelsfair)

Adam: Well, I'll be off.

(Several hours later, Adam finishes the task. His next task is to stop a flamewar)

Adam: I can't pick that up.

Engelsfair: What are you blabbing about?

Adam: I mean how do I stop this war?

Corsaire: There is a war which will happen in Governer Keira's mansion. Stop it, and take the keg of Victory Gin while you're at it.

Han: You'll have to get past the pirahna poodles.

Engelsfair: The COMMUNIST pirahna poodles.

Han: You wish.

(Adam runs out, and runs to the mansion, past the poodles, getting bitten a lot. He enters the mansion. Two men are arguing)

Jules: No Euroipods!

Murphy: EuroiPODS!

Jules: Euroipods SUCKS BALLS!

Murphy: Didn't you die already!?!

Jules: Yes. But I came back to life. Thank you, scriptwriters...

Scriptwriter: STOP BREAKING THE FOURTH WALL...aw, forget it. I QUIT!!

Director: Dammit!

Jules: Now, back to the war. NO MORE EUROIPODS!!!

(Adam grabs some flamer repellant, and sprays it on Jules and Murphy. Jules dies, never to return to life again. Murphy runs like crazy. Adam then looks at the Victory Gin, which is locked tight in a safe.)'

Adam: I can't open that.

(Brad comes in)

Brad: What's going on here?

(Brad walks behind a door. A fight commences.)

Adam: Use wax lips with pickle monster.

Brad: What?

Adam: I can't talk to that.

(Crashing sound is heard. Several minutes later, Brad is tied up in a room, and Adam grabs a keg of Victory Gin. Keira walks in.)

Kiera: Just what is going on here?

Adam: Gurrrr....

Kiera: What?

Adam: Mgph...a...