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The opening screen

“UNpalettable viewing...”
– Noel Coward on Knotts Landing

The Young and the Uncyclopedians is an action-packed soap opera written by Alexander Graham Bell and his brother. First screened in 1979, The Young and the Uncyclopedians has gone on to showcase some of the greatest emerging talent of the last thirty-one years. See the episode list, along with at-a-glance explanations on each episode, here.

Episode #54: Random Idiots[edit | edit source]

(This episode starts out in the living room. Moonshine lies passed out on the floor. Benson and Shamus are standing above her)

Benson: WHAT...WHAT DID YOU DO TO HER, YOU FIEND!

Shamus: Whoa, whoa, man, do you always yell?

Benson: YES! REAL MEN ALWAYS YELL! NOW, WHAT DID YOU DO TO HER!

Shamus: I'll never tell!

(Shamus breaks a window and jumps out)

Benson: YOU...YOU FIEND!

Characters

See this page for a more comprehensive version.

Benson DuBois - the housekeeper
Shamus O'Perandi - a convicted felon that worked for the Irish mafia
Timothy Engelsfair - leader of Fourth International
Moonshine - a hippie who advocates moose protection
Albert Von Dizberg - Rich pipe smoking German
René Corsaire - A swashbuckling privateer
Zatoichi - Blind Japanese Swordsman
Sensei - His female companion
Nikita Starveshchev - A board member of Uncyclopedia Britannica, Inc.
Boris Codienov - Nikita's underling; Member of the Russian mafia
Lauren Waterstill - The landlord
The Baron - President of the Umbrella Corporation
Adam Uncyclop - A local worshipper of Ouroboros, ally of Von Dizburg.
Jules Nitedorulez - A good friend of Benson DuBois.
Shandion Garm - A celebrity with a dog.
Emmzed - A Canadian lumberjack.
James Priest - A fanatical priest.
General Han Soson - General in the army, grue lover.
Indy Hymn - Contents-obsessed Ouroboros hating death metal bread.
Froggy - A killer poison dart frog.
Braycat - A Shoshone Chief, married to Keira
Keira - A Shoshone woman, descendant of Sacagewea. Married to Braycat.
Brad A. Pacer - A tourist. OR IS HE?
Ronalds - A corrupt officer and communist.
Lord Flandos - French lord who speaks medievally.
Blaning Serian - A serial killer.
Eno Aquarii - A Jack Bauer-like individual.
Muganez - An interesting character with a black hole for a stomach.

(Switch scenes. Von Dizburg is being harassed by Zatoichi and Sensei.)

Sensei: Ouroboros is a ghey donut, you know.

Von Dizberg: You punks know nothing of the great snake that bites its own tail!

Zatoichi: Actually, we do.

(Zatoichi slashes her sword at Von Dizburg, missing)

Von Dizberg: You were better in your movies.

Zatoichi: Yeah. I know.

(There is a pause, and then the scene switches again back to the living room. Moonshine wakes up from his incompacitation, and now Boris is in the room with a silenced pistol. Jules is also here.)

Moonshine: Wha...did I miss something importa-

Boris: Shutup hippie!

Jules: Now, now, don't do anything crazy...

Boris: I'm warn you once. Shut you mouth and just be of telling me where it is or I will be of hurting you.

Jules: I will never tell you!

(Cue dramatic score. Boris shoots Jules. He is immediately down, dead with a pool of blood moved cheaply around him. A chalk-mark is visible near his right hand)

Benson: NO!

Boris: Shutup!

(Boris shoots Benson, and Benson falls too, but he is only in serious pain. Shamus comes in slightly bloody carrying a millwall brick.)

Shamus: Really, me day can't get any worse! Now I hafta deal with you scum!

Boris: Great, boss not warn me of Irish mafia.

(Boris pulls out a pellet and throws it on the floor. Smoke rushes out and he makes his escape. Everyone is coughing. Change scenes back to the Von Dizberg mansion. There is a knock on the door. Von Dizberg opens to find Timothy Engelsfair, who is selling a pamphlet on the greatness of Communism.)

Engelsfair: Hello, kind sir. Did you know that we can be all equal? Communism is the solution to all of the problems we face today.

Von Dizberg: Pfffff HA HA HA HA HA HA! I thought that you were talking about Ouroboros for a second.

Engelsfair: You mean that gay, donut thing?

Von Dizberg: IT IS CERTAINLY NOT A GAY DONUT!

Engelsfair: You can make it not gay by becoming a communist!

Von Dizburg: OUROBOROS IS NOT GAY!

(Adam Uncyclop runs in to the area.)

Uncyclop: Mr. Engelsfair, Ouroboros is not gay, and communism sucks. So does Contents, but that doesn't matter.

Engelsfair: Aaarrgh!

(Engelsfair punches Uncyclop, knocking him out.)

Von Dizburg: Actually, Adam was right about Ouroboros, communism, and contents.

(Switch back to Moonshine in the living room. Benson is yelling like crazy, still on the ground.)

Benson: OW, THAT HURT! PLUS, YOU ARE A FIEND, BORIS!!! OH WAIT, BORIS IS NOT HERE! AARRGH!

(Lauren runs in, obviously having heard Benson yell.)

Lauren: What is going on here!?! And Benson, why must you always yell!

(Lauren gasps.)

Lauren: What...what happened to Jules and Benson!?!

Benson: BORIS...SHOT US! AND REAL MEN YELL!

Lauren: Boris shot you? (mumbling) If I helped, I would have to reveal that Boris is my ex-boyfriend.

Benson: WHAT WAS THAT!?!

Lauren: Er, nothing?

(Switch back to Von Dizburg's mansion. Adam is bleeding a bit, and Dizburg is chasing Engelsfair around the mansion with a big knife. Engelsfair jumps out a ground window, and then runs out, dropping communist pamphlets everywhere.)

Engelsfair: I'll be back! ^_^

Von Dizburg: Looks like I have that problem solved...

(All of a sudden, a large clipper ship crashes through the wall of the mansion.)

Von Dizberg: GOD DAMNIT!

(Corsaire jumps down from the ship and unrolls a piece of paper.)

Corsaire: By order of the French Monarchy, I declare this land property of the Monachy.

Von Dizberg: Who the hell are you, why are you annexing my land to France, and how the hell did you sail a clipper into my home?

Most of the cast

Corsaire: I am René Corsiare, a French privateer. I have been hired by the Monarchy to annex this land to France because King Chirac wants more land. The clipper, how do you say, sailed, well on the land.

Von Dizberg: Ookay...I'm going to tie my shoe...in this direction...

(Zatoichi emerges from one of the other rooms)

Zatoichi: CAN A MAN HAVE SOME PEACE WHILE HE IS GOING TO THE BATHROOM?

Von Dizberg: Erm...that's the kitchen...

(Corsaire notices Zatoichi.)

Corsaire: ZATOICHI!

Zatoichi: Oh great.(Puts hand on forehead) It's you again.

Corsiare: I sought I woould nevar find you, but yet I haf! Now pay up!

Zatoichi: Hell no. I didn't want to go to this hellhole. I thought I was on my fishing boat fishing!

Corsaire: But with what? A ladle you took from my chef's kitchen?

Zatoichi: That's it!

(Both wield their swords - Zatoichi with a katana, and Corsaire with a cutlass. An epic battle ensues. Camera moves to funeral scene.)

Priest: We are gathered here today to remember Jules Nitedorulez. He was a good man.

Benson: YES, JULES WAS A GOOD MAN.

Priest: Benson, stop yelling.

Benson: BUT REAL MEN YELL!

(Emmzed walks in.)

Emmzed: It was in Jules' will that I tell everyone of my...dark...SECRET!

(All gasp and move expectantly forward, but the camera cuts back to the carnage at Von Dizberg's Mansion. There are Communist leaflets everywhere, and blood on the sofa. Baron Von Dizburg is nowhere to be seen. Engelsfair jumps in. Adam Uncyclop walks into the mansion.)

Adam: Ok, what happened here?

Engelsfair: Who knows, but it can be solved with...COMMUNISM!

Adam: Oh great.

(Adam gets out a gun, and shoots, missing Engelsfair.)

Engelsfair: Would you kill...you own BROTHER?

(Engelsfair pulls out a document and hands it to Adam)

Adam: This is just a Communist pamphlet.

(Engelsfair uses this opportunity to make a quick escape. Baron Von Dizburg enters stage left.)

Dizberg: Good thing I had that secret passage installed when I built this mansion. Say Adam, want to heckle Jules' funeral?

(Cut to the funeral. Emmzed has just told his dark secret and everyone is in shock.)

Benson: HOW COULD YOU DO THAT, EMMZED? I'VE SEEN SOME MESSED UP STUFF, BUT AN AFFAIR? THAT'S DEPLORABLE!

Priest: Do you ever stop yelling?

Emmzed: I know I said I was supposedly faithful to Moonshine, but I had a secret tryst with Jules! It was his dying wish that I get it in the open so to close the door forever.

Moonshine: First I have to decide whether to abort Lauren's crack-addicted fetus, and now this? When will it end?!?

Emmzed: You had an affair as well?!

Benson: WELL, WE MUST GET ON WITH THE FUNERAL. NOW, TO READ A TWELVE-PAGE EULOGY THAT EVERYONE PREPARED FOR ME TO READ.

(Dizberg bursts into the room with a baseball bat.)

Dizberg: All right Jules! Time to get heckled!

(Dizberg starts booing the eulogy that Benson is giving.)

Benson: BARON VON DIZBURG, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

Dizberg: Showing that you suck!

Benson: THAT'S NOT NICE!

Dizberg: Exactly. YOU SUCK! BOO! Bring on the Ouroboros!

(Benson walks off his podium, angered. Zatoichi runs into the funeral home, cracking the glass door.)

Zatoichi: Son of a bitch!

Emmzed: Are you blind or something?

Zatoichi: As a matter of fact, yes I am.

(Corsaire drives his ship into the parking lot, totaling Benson's 81' Honda as he tries to get a parking spot.)

Benson: MY CAR!

Zatoichi: Oh great...

(Corsaire steps down from his ship with a small scroll and unravels it)

Corsaire: Pardon, I seem to have went the wrong direction.

Benson: JESUS CHRIST! YOU TOTALED MY CAAAR!

Corsaire: Too bad.

(Corsaire climbs back up and navigates his ship out of the parking lot and moves on his way. A nondescript black car comes into the parking lot. The Baron steps out.)

Emmzed: Are you at least here for the funeral?

Baron: Errrrr...

Emmzed: Well, are you?

Baron: Mmmmeeee.....

Emmzed: Well, at least come inside and pay your last respect to a friend of mine Mr.

Baron: Braiiiins...

Emmzed: Well, just follow me Mr. Brains.

(Emmzed leads the Baron into the funeral home.)

Dizberg: Ok, Adam, let's bring some Ouroboros!

Adam: And here...are the new Funeral Donuts! Perfect for Ouroborosists!

(Engelsfair jumps in.)

Engelsfair: Communism! Rocks!

Adam: You again!?!

(Adam throws a cobra at Engelsfair. Everyone screams, except Adam, Dizburg, and The Baron, who fearlessly takes the snake, then eats its head)

Adam: Holy shit.

Baron: Braaaains...

Dizberg: Oh, I get it! He's a zombie!

(The Baron starts chewing on Jules in his coffin. He is shortly lured away by those at the funeral, then burned. When they return, they see their former friend has become a zombie)

Jules: Braaaaains...

Dizberg: Great, now we have to deal with this. Well, I guess that there's no choice but to bury him alive...

(A nondescript van stops by the funeral home. Boris and three cohorts come out with semi-automatic M-16s and several grenades. All of them are wearing gas masks but Boris)

Dizberg: Oh no...

Boris:(rallying cohorts) Be of moving! Be of moving!

(Two cohorts launch their grenades, which contain a knock out gas. Boris covers his mouth and nose with a handkerchief. When everyone is knocked out, they are put into the van. Jules is killed again by Boris, then transported to an unknown location. They wake up in the office of Nikita Starveshchev.)

Moonshine: Did I pass out during the funeral again? Did someone move me again?

Benson: NO! I BELIEVE WE WERE TRANSPORTED TO ANOTHER LOCATION.

(Nikita Starvshchev walks through the door, clapping. Boris also comes in following, armed with a silenced 9mm.)

Nikita: Well no shit sherlock!

Benson: HEY!

Nikita: Stop yelling.

Dizberg: Who the hell are you?

Engelsfair: Are you Communist?

Adam: (Waps Engelsfair upside the head) Shut up Timothy!

Nikita: My name is Nikita, and that is all you need to know-

Boris: Or you will be wearing of bulle-

Nikita: Don't interrupt me or you "will be wearing of bullet".

Emmzed: Why have you brought us here?

Nikita: The answer will come in time. Right now, I will just have to ask you a few questions.

Zatoichi: (Facing other direction) Chances are I will not answer you, fool.

Nikita: Oh, but you will. Tell me, does Lauren think I'm hot?

Dizberg: How the hell are we supposed to know? She doesn't even know yo-

(A clipper ship tears through the floor, and Corsaire steps out)

Nikita: What the hell?

Corsaire: By order of the French monarch-

Engelsfair: Don't you know? THERE IS NO FRENCH MONARCHY! France is a democracy today!

Corsaire: Nonsense! There has always been a monarchy. Elections are just a cover up for the truth. Oh, and before I continue...

(Corsaire draws his sword from his buckle and throws it at Boris, killing him before he can ring in a shot.)

Boris: Ohh...

Nikita: How the hell-

Corsaire: Now, as I was saying, by order of the French monarchy, I declare this land to be annexed by the great Empire!

Adam: England?

Corsaire: No, France of course! Of course, I'm paid to say this.

(Everyone laughs)

Corsaire: Well, I'm off.

(Corsaire climbs into the clipper and rides away, smashing Nikita's Lincoln Town Car in two)

Nikita: MY CAR!

Benson: HE DID THAT TO MY CAR TOO!

Nikita: So?

Zatoichi: It wouldn't have hurt him to take us along too...

Nikita: Now, back to business!

Adam: Yep, back to stuffing a cobra down Timothy's undies.

(Adam stuffs a cobra down Engelsfair's underwear.)

Engelsfair:EEWWWWW...ugh.

(Engelsfair drops down to the ground.)

Adam: Ouroboros Rules!

Benson: OUROBOROS SUCKS AND SO DOES COMMUNISM! ONLY BENSONISM RULES!

Priest: Bensonism?

Benson: YES, BENSONISM!

Nikita: Ahem. Over here.

Benson: BENSONISM RULES!

Nikita: If you don't listen, Boris will shoot you all.

Sensei: Dude. Boris is dead.

Dizberg: Hey everyone! The HKN Donut Stand is open! They're selling 2 bags for a buck!

Everyone but Nikita: Oooo!

Benson: SCREW THIS! I HATE THIS SOAP OPERA GONE TO HELL! LET'S GET DONUTS!

Everyone but Nikita: Fuck yeah!

Nikita: But-

Priest: Listen, my child. You can either live in your fantasy world full of boring suspense and an unremarkable amount of cliches, or you can get donuts. You decide. Also, remember to give a donation in the box in the front of my church or you're going to hell!

Nikita: We never even finished this episode.

Dizberg: So what? There's donuts!

(Credits roll)

Watch the next episode...

The Young and the Uncyclopedians

Episodes:

Season One:

ABOUT - 55 - 56 - 57 - 58 - 59 - 60 - 61 - 62 - 63 - 64 - 65 - 66 - 67 - 69 - 70 - 71 - 72 - 73 - 75 - 76 - 77 - 78 - 79 - 80 - 81 - 82 - 83 - 84 - 85 - 86 - 87 - 88 - 89 - 90 - 91 - 95 - 97 - 100 - 102 - 104 - 105 - 106 - 107 - 108 - 109 - 110 - 111 - 112 - Season Finale